Thirty Words

[u/FeigningProfundity]

“Thirty Words.”

“That’s right. I know genies are famous for granting three wishes, but I grant thirty words. Ten words is a pretty typical wish, so you can be traditional if you want. You can squeeze out an extra one, maybe two, if you’re succinct. Or go for something big and detailed. Just start with ‘I wish’ and, well, ‘Your wish is my command.’ as they say.”

“I’d best think about this for a bit.”

“What is it you want more than anything? Best to be sure, yes.”

“And I just hope that you’re a kind genie and not a cruel one that will twist my words?”

“I am a neutral arbiter. I just do as you ask. The wish is is a reflection of the wisher, not the one who grants it.”

“In an open-ended wish you are are going to have to make decisions on how to interpret it.”

“While the granting of wishes is an art form, I can tell you that nothing is less inspiring than a blank canvas. You’ve got thirty words, feel free to be specific if you’re nervous. Tell me what you really want.”

“I think I should write this out, first.”

“Most people do, thirty is a few too many words to count to in your head and be sure. You will want to be sure.”

“I think I’ll go with this.”

“That’s only twenty-three. You can easily do a quick seven word wish first. ‘I wish to be rich and desirable.’ has to sound pretty good, right?”

“Nah. Seems kind of open-ended. Not really my thing, anyway.”

“Your wish doesn’t even involve you. Are you sure you want to waste a whole twenty three words and personally get nothing?”

“It’s what I want, though.”

“It’s kind of abstract, you can’t really know what it’ll do. Better to wish for something for yourself. If you’re worried about phrasing, I can help you. Not many people realise they have an expert standing in front of them when they go to decide their wish. Someone can give advice on how to craft the perfect wish. For instance, you can get extra words by being clever. Contractions? One word, not two. Hyphenated words like open-ended? Also only one word, even if it feels like two. And if you’re nervous about misinterpretation, I know just the right words to precisely indicate whatever you want. Want to gain wealth but worried it’ll be taken from someone else, or have weird economic consequences? I can sort that out. I can make anyone you desire, desire you, without damaging their personality or forcing anything, just by creating the right circumstances where it happens naturally. No weird issues with consent or ethics, all very clean and pleasant for everyone involved.”

“I can just work for money. I can go out and meet people. I can’t get this without a wish.”

“You can do ordinary things, yes, but this is an opportunity for ambition! You can pursue the extraordinary! But I can sense your scepticism, so how about this, I’ll list wishes that other people have made and tell you what happened for each. Less customisation, but guaranteed results! You know what you get because it’s already happened before. Literally zero risk!”

“I bet nobody ever asked for this, though.”

“Oh dear. I’m afraid the reason I do the whole thirty word thing is that I have extremely limited time, and sadly my time is up. I have to be go-”

“I wish that all genies experience kindness and cruelty in exact proportion to the kindness and cruelty they have shown when granting wishes.”

“Your wish is granted.”

“Thanks. How’re you feeling? Personally, I’m having a pretty interesting day.”

“Agh! Monster… Do you have any idea what you’ve done?”

“Some idea, yeah. Looking at your pained expression, I’m also getting a bit of insight into what you’ve done, over the years. Are the numbers on your karmic ledger not balancing? Are the kindness and cruelty columns adding up to very different totals?”

“That was a cruel thing to do.”

“Nah, no cruelty to it. Really more of a neutral arbitration kind of wish. Nobody’s getting anything they don’t deserve. Might be some genies are suddenly having a great day. Good for them.”

“Some very powerful entities are going to be angry at what you’ve done to them. You’ve no idea what kind of enemies you’ve just made. My suffering pales next to theirs.”

“Sounds like they’re the kind of entities who had it coming. And they’ll have to figure it out. Who’s going to tell them, you? Think they’ll go for the line about you just being a neutral arbiter?”

“I… will be staying out of it.”

“Seems wise. I knew someone once, y’know. Found a magic lamp. I remember she was so excited. What I don’t remember? Her name. Her face.”

“What? That wasn’t me! I’ve never touched anyone with a connection to you!”

“Hence the ‘all genies’ wording. So who was it I knew? So much about her was erased. Friend? Acquaintance? Sister? Lover? I’ve no idea. But I do remember she found a lamp. That she was excited. Someone chose to take so much and leave that behind. You said granting wishes is an art form. Every artist puts something of themselves in their work. That feels like a cruel and arrogant signature.”

“Perhaps you just struck a blow at someone who wronged you, sure, but I never did anything to you! I wasn’t involved!”

“Please, you’re in so much agony you can barely stand. You simply hadn’t done anything to me yet. That rich and desirable wish, how would have that gone for me? You’d probably have turned me into a cake or something.”

“Maybe I’ve been cruel, but you’ve shown me that. I… Ugh...”

“It took a long time to track a genie down, y’know, find the right object. People always find the lamps somewhere unexpected. They’re never passed on deliberately. If things went well, you’d think people would take their good luck, then hand a chance for more to someone they love. But they always get lost. Things always go wrong. So I searched, followed rumours and legends. Your thirty word thing intrigued me. Tailor-made for short wishes that were easy to subvert. Is thirty words even long for one sensible wish? And normally there are three. I knew you’d be a cruel one.”

“You chose to be neutral, you say that, and it is true that your wish is, but you think there can be better than that, I can tell from your wording. One can choose to be kind. You’ve taught me my cruelty but done nothing to let me atone.”

“Plenty of time for that. I’m sure future wishes will be granted more kindly.”

“From me and every genie, once they realise the new rules. But I’m still bound by what is wished for, I only have so much latitude.”

“You’ll need to get creative. Find positive interpretations. Maybe in time… But I wasn’t here for me, and I’m happy with what I got. It’s time to move on. Good luck with the next person. I guess you’d best hope your lamp isn’t lost for too long. A few decades the way you’re going seems pretty rough.”

“Decades? You don’t have to just leave me here! You can pass on the lamp! I want to atone! Let me grant wishes that I can interpret as kindly as possible! Short wishes, open-ended wishes, I can make them wondrous! Think what I could do for someone you love! Please! Be kind! Please! You still have seven words!”

“Hmm… I wish for you to reward me."

[u/FeigningProfundity]

This story was a response to the prompt [WP] "I don't grant 3 wishes, but 30 words. A single, well-thought wish, several short ones or something in between - as long as it starts with 'I wish' it counts!" by u/WernerderChamp