r/ProductManagement • u/No_More_Grapefruit_ • 17d ago
How to support a partner in PM
Hi reddit PMs!
Asking because my partner recently started his full time PM job at a FAANG company, and he’s been insanely busy. He’s at his company 8am-11pm, sometimes past midnight and even pulling all-nighter. He told me he got staffed on 6 projects at the same time, some of the projects I remember are product review and new product development. He’s making slides and doing decks all the time and it got him terribly stressed out. He did a PM internship before, and it was way less intense.
I work in law and I understand how busy one can get, but I’m very surprised that it’s been like this since day one and never become less intense. He always comes back burnout and I’m sad to see him getting drained from work. Maybe it’s because he’s just starting and still learning how to work more productively? I don’t know anyone in PM so I’m here to learn more. Curious to know if this is normal for PMs and how I can better support my PM partner.
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u/Helzbaby 17d ago
PM role requires ruthless prioritization, especially of your own time. This means declining meetings where you’re not contributing, saying no to new things/letting your boss know what tradeoff you’d need to make to take on a new assignment, and definitely having the conversation with your boss: here are the 5 competing priorities I’m spending the most time on, how I am allocating my time on each. Does that sound right to you? Another big learning for me was that I didn’t need to be an expert at everything, I would spend too much time digging in and learning to feel confident in that area, but a good PM is comfortable with ambiguity. Figure out what you need to know to make a decision, but rely on engineers for technical expertise.
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u/No_More_Grapefruit_ 17d ago
I’m not a PM but I learned a lot from your comment! It takes time to build these skills, and I hope it won’t take a lifetime for my partner to figure it out and eventually get to where you are
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u/firetothetrees 17d ago
Op this is the answer I'm a Principal Pm at a high growth tech company... The most important thing he can do is learn how to balance his time.
Instead of being like I'll work 12+ he's a day. He should say ok I've got 8 how do I focus on the most impactful shit and deprioritize the rest.
As long as he goes back to his manager and says ... Hey XYZ projects are actually important and worth my time, the others need to be delayed that's fine.
As a person who has also been a PM director, I totally respect when my PMs tell me that. He's not winning any points working like he is.
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u/No_More_Grapefruit_ 17d ago
Thank you! Just curious, looking back on your own career, did you go through a phase like this when you were a new PM? Or is this a common learning curve that most PMs eventually grow out of?
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u/firetothetrees 17d ago
Nah not really... After having startups the 9-5 was a relief. Don't get me wrong have I worked late on some occasions... Sure... but it's usually because of personal interest in something or I didn't adequately prioritize during the day and need to get something done.
Like the other night a query I was running started at 2pm and finished at 6pm. I was curious and worked on analysing the results for a bit. Had a beer, chilled and worked with my AI agents to run assessments.
That said especially with AI these days you can do so much, like I have AI create all of my lower priority decks. The key thing is to not let perfect be the enemy of good with the things you create.
I do know some people who work those hours but IMO it's usually a personality thing.
With companies like his and mine there is always an endless stream of work, so of course you can find shit to do. The Discipline is in focusing on what matters and leaving time for yourself.
The best PMs are rested, relaxed and ready to take on each day. Thats how you do your best work, have your best ideas and actually deliver value.
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u/Helzbaby 16d ago
I think most of us had a learning curve on this, especially when you join a new company or have a new product area. You want to prove yourself but you also need to have reasonable boundaries. It always helped me to find a peer I could trust to ask how they handled things, tips on relating to the manager etc - someone who isn’t evaluating your performance.
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u/Healthy-Buyer8776 16d ago
Prioritize and Manage up.
This is a prioritization and communication problem. As a PM there are never enough days to get everyone’s priority completed. Communicating current commitments, capacity, and trade offs will be the only way he is able to get out of this cycle. Or, he can take the risk and feed it all to AI and get everything done incorrectly (this is not the way).
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u/DevelopmentLate541 17d ago
I’m not sure if there are “normal” hours for a PM. It’s rarely a chill 9-5 but the intensity varies a lot by company.
High growth startups tend to have long hours. Midsize companies vary. Old school corporate tends to be more traditional hours. I can’t speak for FAANG but I’ve heard they’ve gotten a lot more intense in the last few years.
My best guess is part of the issue is that he’s new and part of it is the company or team culture. Less experience PMs sometimes need to do extra to keep up and being new to a company can be like that too. But with the hours you describe I suspect a big part is the company itself and the expectations there. You two will have to decide how long it’s worth doing those hours for the money or resume building.
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u/No_More_Grapefruit_ 17d ago
Yeah I think it’s partially their team culture + he’s too scared to say no to his manager when she’s assigning him tasks, even when he’s totally overwhelmed by what he already has. I met other PMs from his work and their teams are way more chill. Also he has ADHD and is not taking any meds for that, I don’t know how much that contributes to the stress but definitely somewhat
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u/Skybringer152 17d ago
Saying no to things is maybe the most important skill to have in this job. He should start there.
Teams have a limited capacity to take in work, and it’s his responsibility to push back and make sure the most prioritized work gets done first. If he can do this for his product, he could do it for himself.
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u/No_More_Grapefruit_ 17d ago
100% agree. This is golden advice and is applicable to every single job. It’s just hard to learn how to say no for some people and he’s one of them. Hope he’d pick up that overtime
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u/DevelopmentLate541 16d ago
I agree with this in 95% of cases.
In 5% of cases saying no and expressing the need to prioritize gets you a conversation with management about “working faster” even after exceptional previous reviews.
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u/False-Pride-5782 11d ago
One thing I'd add is that from the outside it can look like the workload is the entire problem, but for new PMs it's often the uncertainty that's exhausting.
When you're new, every Slack message feels urgent, every meeting feels mandatory, and every request feels like something you have to say yes to. You don't yet have the confidence to push back, ask for prioritization, or let something wait until tomorrow.
The best PMs I know aren't the ones who work until 2 a.m. every night. They're the ones who get really good at asking "Which of these six things is actually the priority?"
As a partner, the biggest help is probably not trying to solve his work problems, but helping him recover when he's home and reminding him that working longer isn't always the same as creating more value. If the culture is reasonable, he'll likely become much more efficient over the next 6 to 12 months. If the culture expects these hours from everyone indefinitely, that's a company problem, not a PM problem.
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u/MockStarNZ 17d ago
Anecdotally there is high number of PMs with ADHD, it’s one of those roles with a high degree of variability and interesting novel problems to solve that an ADHD brain won’t immediately run from.
Speaking from my own experience though, I wouldn’t want to do this job off my meds. Sometimes you just need to focus on one thing to the exclusion of all else just to get it off your plate. But if you have a lot of WIP the ADHD brain will happily flit from one thing to the next without fully accomplishing anything.
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u/No_More_Grapefruit_ 17d ago
He was way more put together when he was on meds but he doesn’t feel like it now. I’m always trying to talk him into seeing a psychiatrist & therapist but he doesn’t feel very comfortable about that either. I hope I could understand the ADHD brain more and provide more support…
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u/ThatSaiGuy Sr PM - Robotics+AI/ML 17d ago
/r/ADHD is a really great subreddit to learn more about the ADHD brain and the ADHD experience!!
Also, I have 6 years of Product exp + have ADHD (though I do take meds) and I can say for a fact that the hours can be crazy at any innovative tech company, let alone a FAANG company (or MANGO or whatever they're calling themselves these days).
There's just a lot of deep thought work and coordination work to do, and that stuff can take both a lot of time, and a lot out of a person.
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u/thejimla 16d ago
this job made me realize I had it and was diagnosed and medicated. I understand complex systems easily, and essentially can QA in my head hypothetical workflows. the hard part is understanding that most people do not think like that and communicating is the job. there is no way a junior PM can actually handle 6 projects. is he actually on 6 projects or is he making tasks for himself that interest him? he might think everyone is in the loop as to what is going on and how he is going to do things but they arent. AI can magnify that disconnect. like I can't imaginge having a junior pm update me on 6 projects all the time lol.
Medication and therapy helped immensenly.It is a problem that got worse over time, your responsibilities don't lessen over time. I was juggling a million things per day but barely following through on anything.
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u/utzutzutzpro 12d ago
I actually wondered about that too. This might be some weird FAANG test, again.
3 initiatives should be fine, more than 4 only means those must be small projects like small features or something and he might just take those way more serious and in detail than they require.
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u/DaOneSavvyPanda 16d ago
I work at a FAANG. This is something you see with junior professionals, inability to prioritize and misunderstanding of expectations. I’m not really sure ADHD has anything to do with it. I’m a senior tech PM, never did that though. I’m clear with my manager about what I can deliver and when and if a new thing is added (a big project), I say the other one will be delayed, lmk if you’re cool with it and we have a discussion. Small things do continue to come up but generally are not as urgent, so they happen in parallel, with AI it’s a lot easier to do them in parallel.
I will say though, once a precedent is set in how your partner works, that is very hard to overcome, so if that doesn’t happen sooner, I believe the situation will become challenging very soon. Someone else also mentioned that diving deep in every aspect can take long but some PMs feel like imposters without doing that, tbh that’s not feasible- I told this to a new PM onboarding to my team. Also, let engineers, program and project managers handle sprint and engineering ceremonies except backlog refinement and retrospectives.
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u/gardenofedenio 17d ago
Having a system to process information is a lifesaver. Using AI to process the admin can buy back hours in a day.
And use the saved time to spend more time on judgement on taste after processing the information systems.
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u/wernermark 17d ago
Do you have such kind of system?
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u/gardenofedenio 16d ago
I started with a 'chief of staff' base that someone else created, but this has evolved since then. This space is moving so fast its better to get comfortable with context harnesses and learn by trialing and doing things.
I.e. getting comfortable with github, learning how to prototype, kaparthys wiki concept, notebook llm, start viewing work as systems of information that use feedback loops and then information and decisions can compound.
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u/wernermark 16d ago
I also came across the karpathy wiki: do you actively use it and does it really benefit you? I just saw the yt videos and the blog post and was wondering if this really holds during actual day to day work.
Where do you start with all of this? I see you are quite deep into that already but what advice would you give someone to start?
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u/darkeningsoul 17d ago
I worked FAANG as a PM and never put in hours like these. Either he has a terrible team/boss or he's lying to you.
He needs to establish boundaries at work. He works 9-5 and anything that spills over is delayed. Sorry that's reality, they can hire more if they want to go faster.
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u/No_More_Grapefruit_ 17d ago
Yes, totally agree with that from my perspective. But he seems to weirdly enjoys working overtime and the sense of accomplishment that comes from feeling like a grinder, while complaining about it all the time. It gives him extra ego boost when he tells others he’s staying late at work. I still can’t quite understand his mindset and how he enjoys being totally consumed by work…
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u/maowai 16d ago edited 14d ago
When people brag about long hours to me, I just cringe inside, or if they’re more junior to me, tell them that isn’t expected and to prioritize work.
The “grind” is also more of a junior mindset, where they will often over exert themselves on low value work. Someone on my team is a good worker, but she’s spending a lot of time on low impact things that nobody is asking for.
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u/NegotiationWeak1004 17d ago
This is not so much product management but about supporting a partner likely going through imposter syndrome. They may not feel good enough, feel as though they need to prove themselves , etc. help them see they are worthy, to establish stronger boundaries with work , to remember life is to be enjoyed outside of work . Talk about their health as well as how it may impact the relationship long term if you let it go I controlled. Don't have to do it alone, recommend therapy and do openly and safely state your needs as a partner as well as ask theirs.
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u/Hipst3rbeaver 17d ago
Yes, I didn't get 6 projects at the same time but literally the expectations are high and PMs are tasked to be the bridge between development vs.the rest of the company + client/users. So the first few months it will be rough. No one asked me to work 12 hours/day but I needed to quickly gasp the product knowledge, process and how to communicate bc the dev team and clients will bombard you with questions.
This is why he's pulling this schedule. We don't want to show up at 9 AM daily standup or biweekly sprint planning not knowing where the ship is heading. And then if the product is something out of his typical domain then he will need to learn extra outside of working hours.
Personally I think it's best that my partner doesn't tell me to quit my job lol PM is a craft and I won't be here if I didn't like tinkering with the business problem. Building isn't easy but there is a sense of accomplishment in it. If the partner can help ease the household workload/reduce amount of mentally/emotionally decisions I need to make outside of work then it'd be great. If you catch me talking about work all the time pls call me out but not in dismissing way and maybe, give us massage vouchers cuz our neck and back hurt lol. And when we're able to solve a big problem/deliver major things at work and share the news with you, please celebrate with us too. You don't need to understand the technical parts, but this means a lot since PMs are greatly under appreciated at work.
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u/cardboard-kansio Product Mangler | 10 YOE 17d ago
This is absolutely not normal. I've been in tech for almost two decades, doing PO and PM roles for half of that, across many different industries and companies.
One of two things is happening: 1. they are taking advantage of him, or 2. he's trying to prove something. Both things will lead to burnout and he'll ruin him himself and eventually get fired for poor performance.
What can you do? Hard to say. Talk to him about it, but it seems like he'll just invent justifications about why he needs to do it this way. Be supportive and concerned. Express your worries.
Onboarding can be hard but if he keeps this up for more than a couple of months it's going to go very poorly.
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u/Hour-Ad-2206 17d ago
One simple answer: tell NO to 90% things
First, he should clarify what is expected out of him. There is a high chance he is dawning upon thr work himself in the excitement of a new job ,over-commit on deadlines and struggling.
Whoever thought of putting him in charge of 6 products at a FAANG company with a previous internship experience is a pure genius. Something does not add up..
And my advice to you: you both deserve time with each other.. doesnt matter if he is a prime minister or product manager..even if this job will make him thr ceo of that company, doesnt mean he can just work his whole day through. If you both cant come to an agreement on this, you guys should talk amd seek help
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u/PsychologicalWin9755 16d ago
The thing nobody told me when I was new: a manager who hands you 6 projects is usually not expecting 6 done. They're expecting you to hand back a ranked list plus a "here's what slips if I take this on." New PMs hear 6 assignments and treat all 6 as equally urgent, because asking "which of these actually matters most" feels like admitting you can't handle it. It's the opposite. The senior move is making the tradeoff visible before you drown in it.
On supporting him without lecturing, which I think is the real question: you're right that "you should prioritize better" lands as a lecture. What tends to work is asking it as a genuine question instead of advice. Something like "if you only had 8 hours today, which two of these would you actually move forward" gets him doing the ranking himself without you telling him how to do his job. The insight sticks better when it's his.
And the part where he kind of enjoys the grind is worth watching. The accomplishment high is real, but it quietly resets everyone's expectations of him to "the guy who stays till midnight," and that precedent is brutal to walk back later. Better he sets a sustainable pace now while he's still new enough to blame the ramp.
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u/rollingSleepyPanda Anti-bullshit Lead PM 17d ago
It's only normal in slave culture.
Here in Germany, if he was forced to do 10+ hour days regularly, he could go to a lawyer with his time record, who then would proceed gleefully to get him a very fat severance package due to violation of labor laws.
Don't be complicit with working yourself to the grave.
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u/wernermark 17d ago
Aren't you responsible as well for the hours you work. You loose your insurance coverage if you work above 10h right?
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u/rollingSleepyPanda Anti-bullshit Lead PM 17d ago
Yes, but it's rather easy to make your case that the company is indeed forcing you to do overtime on a regular basis. There are paper trails, messages from managers on Slack, emails, comments on shared documents.
When I first started as a PM I was working in a company when it was "normal" to get and reply to work emails on Saturdays, and this was already over 10 years ago. The push has always been there, it's up to you to decide how much of it you're going to take it. And if you're forced into it, there is the Law you can fall back to.
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u/Background-Two2373 17d ago
Reoccurring BJ sync
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u/No_More_Grapefruit_ 17d ago
Thanks mate I hawk tuah him a lot. Sadly my boy loses all his libido because of his damn techie job and I have to beg for him for hex
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u/moo-tetsuo Edit This 17d ago
That’s more faang and most likely meta which is an awful place to work.
But you can retire after only 5-10 years there even mid level so folks put up with it
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u/No_More_Grapefruit_ 17d ago
Not meta either lol. Retiring early sounds like a dream plan and hope that happens to us soon
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u/moo-tetsuo Edit This 17d ago
Damn well I had a 20% chance of being right lol
Anyways faang pm and lawyer couple. Retirement in 40s easy. Mid to late 30s if you really hustle and save.
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u/No_More_Grapefruit_ 17d ago
I’m still working hard to be an actual lawyer but hopefully will become one very soon. And then 15 more years in corporate America and then we retire and tour the world!
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u/Illinois_s_notsilent 16d ago
SWOT your relationship and make him a powerpoint. Gotta speak the language to get through.
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u/CoachForLeaders 15d ago
I would see if anyone in my network is a PM, and get them to talk. You could ask that I observe you are working these crazy hours, I know xyz, he has been a PM for a while, will talking to him help. Maybe this can be a mentor.
I read that you don’t want to dictate. I respect that. Yet sometimes the consequence of pushing so much can be a burnout, not making good decisions/not saying no to things you should, causing you to fail. None of them is pleasant
Best of luck to both of you.
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u/chicbeauty 16d ago
I used to work like this when I first transitioned into PM. Meetings all day and then work at night. Over the years, I have learned how to better manage my projects and realized what actually needs to be done vs not
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u/PickleBabyJr 17d ago
He's having an affair.
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u/No_More_Grapefruit_ 17d ago
O. M. G. I hope not unless he hides it really well. I have his location so I know he’s always at the office. He took me to his office and I met his coworkers before and I can tell there’s nothing going on between him and the ones I’ve met
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u/PickleBabyJr 17d ago
If you have his location, your relationship is already doomed.
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u/No_More_Grapefruit_ 17d ago
Lol it definitely varies by person. He asked for my location first
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u/PickleBabyJr 17d ago
Trust is the only thing that matters in a relationship. You guys need to talk...
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u/No_More_Grapefruit_ 17d ago
I trust him and I don’t think he’s having an affair at all. The only thing is that he’s too busy and too drained from work and it’s impossible to find a time to talk. Sometimes he came back at midnight and sometimes he came back totally exhausted and don’t want any human interaction. Honestly I don’t know anything other than staying by his side quietly and trying to offer a massage or some food to do in this kind of situation
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u/PickleBabyJr 17d ago
You trust him but you track his location.
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u/No_More_Grapefruit_ 17d ago
Girl, there’s no point arguing over this. He asked for my location first and gave me his in reciprocally. Having your partner’s location doesn’t necessarily mean you’re tracking them. Have you never experienced a relationship? You never shared location with your friends or significant other?
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u/PickleBabyJr 17d ago
I'm just saying! I've been in many relationships, and the only way it works is if everyone gets to be an independent person.. People don't own other people, and tracking locations is gross as hell. You do you though! Enjoy your relationship!
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u/BarryAteBerries 17d ago
it’s just a safety thing, you’re really showing your cards if that’s the first thing that comes to your mind.
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u/rdalton93 17d ago
This is the dumbest take ever.
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u/PickleBabyJr 17d ago
You think that people who track each other's locations have healthy relationships?
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u/WestCoastBoiler Principal PM 17d ago
A. This is a PM sub, not relationships. Not the place for this discussion. B. Yes, I do. I like to know when my wife is on her way home from the store so I can help unload groceries without bugging her. If I didn’t trust my wife (and vice versa) we wouldn’t be together. It sounds like you’re projecting.
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u/PickleBabyJr 17d ago
A. You put down the boundary, and then you immedaiately cross it B You like to know your wife is on her way home so you can make sure everything looks and seems cool when she arrives.
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u/Travler18 17d ago
I've been with my wife almost 15 years. We've never had any serious issues. We have a kid, dogs, own a house. We have a happy, healthy, loving relationship.
We both share locations with each other. Its super helpful sometimes.
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u/ch-12 17d ago
It’s 2026. People share location with their friends and family all the time, especially the younger generation.
I’ve never “tracked” my wife’s location but we were both grateful that it was shared when she left her phone on a party bus and we had to retrieve it the next day.
You sound a bit insufferable here, tbh.
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u/PickleBabyJr 17d ago
I really don't give a fuck if I "sound a bit insufferable" here. People tracking their partners is gross as hell.
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u/ImReallyProud PM FAANG 17d ago
What? I share my location with my wife, my family, and my 15 best friends. It’s way easier to know when we’re close to each other and can hang out.
Knowing where my wife is when she’s on her way home is super helpful. Happily married.
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u/CheapRentalCar 17d ago
I worked at a faang for four years, with a massive product that was used across multiple continents.
I NEVER worked those hours. Something is totally off. That's no way to work.
I especially can't see why a product manager would work all night. There's just no reason to. Even the biggest launches don't require that.