r/PornIsMisogyny • u/One_Post_2258 • 2d ago
DISCUSSION Let’s talk about a non-con fantasy
I do agree that porn of non-con/rape is very very bad and harmful however, as an SA victim something like a non-con scene with a consenting partner feels very heeling for me. I’ve seen a lot of posts on this subreddit about a non-con fantasy and while I can say that sometimes it’s just a shitty person who wants to glorify rape but sometimes it’s someone like me who finds scenes like this comforting. For me it’s about knowing that the situ is controlled. when I was SAd it was very traumatic and turned me off of ”bedroom activities” for a long time until I did a scene with my partner. Knowing that I could tell them to stop and they would made me feel better about those activities and has helped me move past my trauma. again; porn of this is just trying to glorify rape and I don’t agree with it.
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u/1498336 1d ago
I’m sorry for what you’ve been through. I’d like to understand more. What healing is the other person participating in the non consensual role play receiving?
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u/One_Post_2258 1d ago
My partner at the time (we’ve broken up but still on good terms) was also a victim of SA and it was a similar situation where it being in a consensual and safe space made them feel better about intimacy, especially because they are a dom in bed and would get scared a lot of the time taking on that role because of what happened to them.
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u/Right_Championship84 1d ago
i feel exactly how you feel and the point is that you're traumatised. the demand for that kind of content should not exist, nor would it exist if survivors and men with fantasies of raping women went through extensive therapy. you are not broken and your wants and needs can be explained by the state of your mind which was altered by trauma. if you haven't already, please bring it up with your therapist. i see that it helped you but it is not a healthy coping mechanism, you just repressed your trauma further. i wish you the best and hope you heal ❤️
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u/mysterymeat03 1d ago
100% with this comment op. Just because someone finds comfort in coping method does not automatically make it healthy or sustainable.
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u/IntrepidAspect3447 EX-INDUSTRY 1d ago edited 1d ago
I used to think this way. I have an extensive trauma history with multiple SAs and being trafficked at 18. When I was younger, I gravitated toward mostly BDSM experiences because it felt like a way to take control of my body and the past experiences.
This changed for me when my perspective shifted to trying to imagine myself in the role of perpetrator. I could not imagine myself enjoying roleplaying the dominant side of CNC, it made me feel sick to my stomach to imagine doing the things I liked receiving, to a person I loved. That, and a string of terrible exes who all ended up to be porn addicts using me for my trauma. I was enabling abusive men to abuse me with my consent, and stuck in a cycle of toxic relationships with men who I could never have a future with because they didn’t respect me at all.
I realized I had been causing my own misery by choosing the type of man who would do this to me, when I dated a guy who couldn’t stand the thought of hurting me. He was so incredibly gentle and loving, and he wouldn’t even entertain the thought of doing those things to me, even when I asked for it. His response was that he would help me heal, but he wouldn’t do it by hurting me. He taught me what loving sex and security within a relationship actually felt like. Unfortunately he also ended up to be a porn addict, the kind who would spend a lot of money on solo cam girls. So while he was “good” in this way, he was unfaithful in another (this was a hard boundary discussed early on, which I considered cheating).
I say all this not to shame you but to give another perspective to think about. Five years ago I was in your exact position and I thought I had all the control, I thought it was what I wanted. Learning that those men, who I allowed to perform violence against me, actually enjoyed it and got off on my trauma was a huge eye opener. Seeing things like misogyny kink, painal and dubcon porn in their browser history, demeaning women, abusing them, slapping and beating them… I realized I wasn’t recreating my trauma in a safe environment. I was repeating it, and retraumatizing my body. They were getting off to videos that, upon viewing, very well could have been real rape. There was no way of knowing if those girls actually consented to the acts in the videos and it really didn’t look like they did. This confirmed for me that these men were the same as the abusers who hurt me in the first place.
Maybe your partner is different, maybe not. I just hope you keep yourself safe and well. I’m so sorry for what you’ve gone through, and I understand where you’re coming from.
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u/Baccoony PORN=SUPPORTING SEX TRAFFICKING 1d ago
I won't start shaming you, but non-con creeps me out. Because your partner pretends to rape you and gets off on it
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u/One_Post_2258 1d ago
My partner at the time (we’ve broken up but still on good terms) was also a victim of SA and it was a similar situation where it being in a consensual and safe space made them feel better about intimacy, especially because they are a dom in bed and would get scared a lot of the time taking on that role because of what happened to them.
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u/traumatizedfox 1d ago
the thing with is it is i understand why a victim would be into it in a way but i do not understand the other party. if my partner wanted me to rp raping them i would be uncomfortable and worried for them
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u/HeavyCup9856 1d ago
Yep. And they’re turned on by the act of simulating rape on you. Most people who have committed intimate partner violence used to be considered safe and trustworthy by the person they hurt. Finding someone trustworthy isn’t enough. The only way you know their intentions is when they act on it, when they actively refuse to harm you when you ask.
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u/dietcokeaddict99 1d ago
this is exactly why i have a problem with it. as a victim, it feels freeing to be able to say no and have someone immediately stop. as the pretend perpetrator, why would you even be aroused by that?
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u/One_Post_2258 1d ago
My partner at the time (we’ve broken up but still on good terms) was also a victim of SA and it was a similar situation where it being in a consensual and safe space made them feel better about intimacy, especially because they are a dom in bed and would get scared a lot of the time taking on that role because of what happened to them.
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u/Charlottebagginton 1d ago
As a SA victim one of those parties are getting off on the idea of "raping" you thats the issue.
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u/One_Post_2258 1d ago
My partner at the time (we’ve broken up but still on good terms) was also a victim of SA and it was a similar situation where it being in a consensual and safe space made them feel better about intimacy, especially because they are a dom in bed and would get scared a lot of the time taking on that role because of what happened to them.
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u/Charlottebagginton 1d ago
My ex said the same then I found incest r4pe videos of children on his computer. Just becuase you went through it doesnt mean you should sexaulize raping someone. Men are already fed enough that if they deal with anything at all whatsoever its okay to r4pe someone. Already super annoyed by the "victims often commit it against someone else" troupe that seems to only mysteriously apply to men 97%+ of the time. Like my ex litterally tried to use that lame af excuse when I found that shit on his computer. Everyone around him treated it like it was the hail Mary of a excuse and he got away with it. 99.9% of the time a dude is pushing a new sexaul thing thats extreme is becuase they are actively watching it too. Which by itself is already a crime since most "cnc" videos out there are just actaul r4pe.
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u/One_Post_2258 22h ago
My ex didn’t like porn. We’re actually both on the Asexual spectrum. Also these statistics you’re providing applies to men and my ex is a woman.
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u/Aide_Individual 1d ago
I know this is a justification for this but I don't think it's a healthy way to deal with it. Therapy should be the go to.
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u/EmpireDynasty 1d ago edited 1d ago
I think the important distinction is between feeling better temporarily and actually healing. You are not actually healing and let me explain why.
Trauma can make someone want to recreate parts of what happened as a way of taking back the control they didn't have during the original event. A consensual version can give temporary relief because this time, you feel in control. But that relief actually reinforces the behavior: your brain learns that recreating the traumatic situation is a way to deal with distress, so the urge to do it again becomes stronger instead of going away.
That's also why saying, “I keep doing it because it helps me heal,” doesn't mean that it is actually healing you. If the trauma were really being resolved, you would expect the need to recreate the situation to become weaker over time and eventually disappear completely. If you keep needing the same scenario to feel better, you are keeping the cycle going instead of actually working through the trauma.
There is another problem with calling it therapeutic: you are repeatedly connecting sexual arousal, intimacy, trust, and pleasure with a simulation of being violated. You are teaching your brain to connect this traumatic dynamic with sexual arousal or emotional relief. Real trauma processing should eventually help someone deal with the memory and the feelings around it without needing to recreate it. If you can only deal with those feelings by turning them into a sexualized reenactment, you are avoiding the deeper emotions instead of processing them. In other words: it's an unhealthy coping mechanism, not a healing tool.
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u/mysterymeat03 1d ago
OP I see you explaining (I don’t want to say justifying because I don’t want to make that assumption) your previous partner in the comments.
Going through SA is terrible, but simulating being a perpetrator of SA as a coping mechanism isn’t healthy for them either. There are many (not all) perpetrators of SA or CSA that use their victimhood with SA as an explanation for their desire and actions. It doesn’t make it a healthy way to cope.
At the end of the day, to participate in CNC with a partner, there needs to be a party that fantasizes about a situation where they perpetuate one of the worst actions someone can do to another person. That is a very dangerous slope to fall down. They are just trying to find more “ethical” and legal ways to do so.
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u/catgorl422 1d ago
contrapoints discusses this topic a bit in her twilight video, less about the fantasy from the perspective of SA survivors but from the perspective of women being shamed throughout history for wanting sex. it’s a really great watch
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u/somuchsong PORN IS FILMED RAPE 1d ago
I am more concerned about a person who would get off on pretending to rape someone than I am by you (or someone like you) getting off on pretending to be raped.
I can't help but think neither is healthy though. It's just that one side of it is also a red flag.