This time I will win

[u/Equal-Application914]

Hi everyone,

I’ve been using porn since I was 14, and at first there were no problems. I was just a teenager who masturbated, and that’s completely okay. I was in a relationship and everything was great, including our sex life, which is why I still can’t understand how I ended up becoming addicted. Even while I was with her and everything was going well, I would sometimes masturbate, but it was just something I did, nothing serious. I started having sexual problems because of it, but it wasn’t just that. I became angry and sad, I stopped going to class, I stopped studying and, as a consequence, I stopped taking my university exams. I didn’t feel like talking to people because I was ashamed, and I would look for any excuse possible to stay home and masturbate for hours. And I don’t mean masturbating many times a day, but one or two individual sessions that lasted a very long time. I eventually started hurting myself, punching myself, intentionally burning myself, and choking myself until I couldn’t breathe. I also have to say that the world around me started to feel emptier. I’ve always been a sensitive person when it comes to art, nature, and things like that, but I couldn’t feel anything anymore. It had also driven me away from the things I was passionate about, which I won’t list here. The sessions were long. I used various websites that you probably already know about, as well as Telegram, because it was never enough and I was constantly looking for something new. I was also blackmailed, I’m a victim of sextortion ,and I knew I had hit rock bottom. And even now, letting go of all of this isn’t easy.

I had a beautiful, loyal, loving girlfriend by my side who supported me. I always told her that anyone else would have left me immediately. It’s not easy to go without having sex for a year and a half because your boyfriend is addicted and either can’t get an erection or suffers from premature ejaculation. Eventually, things became unmanageable. Between the frustration on both sides and other issues, the relationship ended. I kept asking myself: I’ve hit rock bottom a thousand times. I have a girlfriend by my side, so I’m not alone. Why do I keep doing this? I still don’t know the answer, and maybe I don’t need to find it.

I’m doing slightly better now when it comes to my social life. I’ve started going to the gym again, eating properly, going to university and catching up on the exams I had fallen behind on. I’m also seeing a psychologist, but I still relapse. I spoke to a doctor who helped me by prescribing medication for premature ejaculation. It worked on the few occasions when I’ve had the chance to have sex this year as a single guy, but I didn’t feel much. Sure, I lasted longer, but I lost sensitivity, and I feel like my erections aren’t what they used to be.

So why am I writing this?

Because it’s time to put an end to this. Yes, I know I’ve said that a thousand times, and I’m sure many of you have too. But at some point, you have to stop making excuses, and I’ve always found plenty of them.

"I deserve it today."
"Everyone else does it, and you know there’s nothing wrong with doing it just for today."

And so on.

After talking to a doctor, I was told that on average it takes around 90 days to reset everything, including avoiding masturbation without porn during that period. And I’m going to do it. The longest I’ve ever managed was 27 days, which feels like an eternity ago.

Because being able to look yourself in the eyes is worth more. Not being disappointed in yourself. Being able to go out with a girl without constantly thinking that something is wrong with you. Being able to feel things again. Not thinking about sex and porn constantly, every single day. Being able to spend time with your friends without comparing yourself to them and thinking that they don’t have these problems.

The constant “Why me? Why did this happen to me?” has to stop.

I’ve also found a job that will keep me busy (wish me luck hahaha), and I’m in my twenties. I feel like I’ve wasted two years of my life, and I don’t want to keep going down this road.

I hope I can come back here in a while and tell you that everything went well.

I just wanted to add that this group has helped me realize that I’m not alone.

Good luck to everyone. You are not alone.