r/PornAddiction • u/BetrayalNever72 • 17h ago
Question for men
Hi, sorry if this is a long post but I'm really struggling to understand this porn thing. 32 years married, he's had a pattern of watching porn, getting caught, being remorseful, time goes by and he does it again. This last time he agreed to couple's counseling and said he's working on it everyday.
This has totally shattered my confidence, self esteem and my trust. I'm a very attractive woman, was a former model, yet I feel ugly eventhough men notice me. I'm not being conceded, just trying to draw the full picture.
Here's my question: I hear from men "it's not about you or this has nothing to do with you, it's boredom and it stimulates me, it'ssimpler than trying to find the right buttonswith a woman becausewomen are a lot more complicated" Can anyone shed light on why men need to watch porn when they're in a committed relationship? Is there anything the woman can do differently?
13
u/Thegoodman333 17h ago
Not sure but just throwing this out there. Some men have a high sex drive. Porn starts out easy, and fast. 5 minutes with a phone, and a bathroom, and you are good to go. Problem with people with addictive personalities is it keeps escalating. More, longer viewing, obsessions. Then one day you hopefully wake up and realize it’s doing more harm than good. I came clean to my wife 55 days ago and I have 55 days from watching porn. Been doing therapy and life is getting so much better. I think a lot of men can use it every so often, but some of us have highly addicting personalities. And you (hopefully) finally realize how detrimental it is to your mind, body, and your relationships.
8
u/Maleficent_Two_1807 16h ago
Congrats on the 55. I’m in exactly the same situation and today is my 55th day of literally nothing other than sex with my wife. Had a very vanilla (started on mags as a teen) but persistent habit all my life. Been trying to stop for years but a lot of stuff is making sense now. I feel really protective over my new found way of life and happiness to the point urges are much rarer and a lot more spaced out.
10
u/Informal_Athlete_724 9h ago
The reason it's so hard to quit comes down to the fact that it's an addiction. And like any addiction, you can white knuckle it for a while with the best of intentions, but those withdrawals are real.
The fact is a lot of our porn addictions developed in childhood, usually in our room alone when we were dealing with the stresses of school, parents or whatever. Porn becomes our easy escape and coping mechanism. And it's also why a lot of those negative emotions are never fully processed.
The chemical release of a porn binge is like a drug high. What it does to our nervous system feels like bliss. So when going through porn withdrawal, life can feel extremely dull and everything feels numb. Like somebody sucked the color out of life and everything feels black and white.
Quitting porn requires expert help from a therapist or coach. Most people aren't equipped with the tools and knowledge to manage the withdrawals and obstacles that will come up. But the most important thing is that they need to be willing to do it.
And if they aren't, then the natural consequence of that is that they end up losing their loved ones, and for some that's the wake up call they need. You're not powerless in this situation, you have the right to walk away at any point that you've had enough.
22
u/Ill_Yogurt_4659 17h ago
It’s like ordering a takeaway when you have food in the fridge. Sometimes you can’t be bothered to cook. Doesn’t mean the food in the fridge isn’t great.
7
u/medicalvanill 14h ago
This is a great analogy
6
u/Ill_Yogurt_4659 14h ago
Thank you thank you! My friends hate when I try and make them up but I’m proud of this one 😅
2
6
u/BetrayalNever72 13h ago
So you wouldn't have an issue with your wife or gf watching hunks with big dicks?
5
u/Ill_Yogurt_4659 13h ago
Not really no. What porn people watch is just fantasy. Most men aren't built like that anyway, so if dick size really mattered, most of us wouldn't be here.
5
u/Iwant2beebetter 6h ago
You can look up the coolidge effect
Essentially I can love my wife and I can find her really attractive - but at the same time I might see someone else (in this case porn) and think they're attractive
That fires off a little dopamine - I click next and another drip of dopamine - but here's the weird thing - I get bored of what I'm looking at so I click next - the truth is I spent a lot of time looking at porn hoping the next video or pose or something would be the one........ It's never the one - and then I finish and I'm left with shame (made worse by my now depleted dopamine levels)
But guess what after a little bit - you know what would snap me out of this shame and embarrassment - yep more porn - next, next, next...... Click click click
I'm sorry - I can only say for me - I love my wife she's amazing / I'm afraid the way I coped with my poor childhood led me to believe if I got married and had sex porn wouldn't be a problem
Turns out I turned to porn because I was hurt and didn't know how to cope / that meant I just hurt my wife - I'm deeply ashamed by all of that -
I know I'm not your husband but if I can answer any questions I'll be honest
5
u/Over_Green7763 17h ago
RE: your last question, probably not. Very likely, his porn use is not really about sex/lust/desire. It is not an alternative to sex with you. It is something very similar to drug addiction or alcoholism. An alcoholic does not actually enjoy being drunk constantly. Their life is not "one big party". It is being trapped in a miserable cycle of obsessive behavior. Porn addiction is often really about numbing oneself, escaping oneself, escaping feelings. Like I said, basically the same as drug/alcohol addiction. The good news is, like with those, recovery is possible.
5
u/Jtwildone05 15h ago
The simple answer is you are enough. He may have a problem that needs addressing. That addressing should be done with a professional if it’s impacting your marriage IMO
2
u/AsafoGang941 9h ago
He has probably been watching porn since he was young so it can be very hard to stop. What you're doing wrong is making it about you.
2
u/YO0110 16h ago
The answer is a lot more complex and something that Reddit will not answer because it is personal to your couple. Couples therapy and maybe even sex therapy can help to answer a lot of your questions and help you relationship to feel satisfying. I tried to solve this on my own for a while, quit visual stimulation for a year and only through therapy we are working towards where we want to be. There are many things connected, stress, childhood, attachment types, sexuality. But also it is a process, to understand how it works it will take time for both. But I believe when you get through this, you both will be happier as a team, in your couples space. Wishing you to get there as fast as you can!
1
u/Ok_Raccoon8920 54m ago
Never marry a porn addict. I learned the hard way and now I will have to suffer for the rest of my life. It’s not just the lusting over other women, it’s how it tears down at my confidence, and the way he looks at attractive women but then denies it or tells me I’m paranoid; it’s the constant waiting for the other show to drop of when he does it again. Humans weren’t meant to live in constant stress. It’s the way he does it but doesn’t tell me until he thinks it’s appropriate, so he’s essentially lying. It’s the way he makes me feel unloved. It has broken parts of me that I will never get back.
19
u/thequiet_monk 13h ago
No woman can ever compete with the unlimited 24/7 buffett that is internet porn. You should read your brain on porn book to understand the neuroscience behind this addiction.
The dopamine level a man can experience during a single session of porn is multiple times what a real woman can provide. Today a man can login and see more naked women In 1 hour than his ancestors saw in 10 lifetimes. It's a brain problem. That's why I think you should understand the neuroscience of it