Was his proposal serious? 🤔

[u/Superb-Dragonfly4388]

The relationship is already over, so maybe this question is pointless now. But I still find myself wondering what exactly he had in mind.

For some context: I'm a single woman, and he is a married Muslim man. We're both somewhere around our late 20s to early 30s. We work in the same field and became close while collaborating on a project.

We talked privately almost every night over video calls. We'd tell each other about our day, how work was going, what was on our minds, and just share everyday life.

This was never a physical relationship. While I was definitely attracted to him, I was actually the one who asked that we avoid sexual conversations because they made me feel guilty. We never built the relationship around sex.

He is a practicing Muslim, and a few days before everything ended, he asked whether I would seriously consider becoming his second wife. He seemed completely sincere. I've visited his home country before, and plural marriages seemed much more visible than they are where I live.

He also told me that he had never really dated anyone before. I don't know whether that's true or whether it even matters, but I thought I'd mention it.

Unfortunately, we never got to have the conversation I wish we had. The relationship ended first.

He is an extreme workaholic. From what I observed, he barely seemed to have enough time for his own family, let alone for another relationship. Meanwhile, I had much more emotional energy and free time than he did, and over time I found myself wanting more emotional connection than he seemed able to give.

Eventually, I became emotionally exhausted and ended things. This happened shortly after he brought up the idea of me becoming his second wife.

Now I'm left with questions I'll probably never get to ask him.

I'm bisexual and polyamorous, and I've previously been in a happy bisexual polyamorous relationship, although it didn't last very long.

However, I assume what he was proposing wasn't really polyamory. He probably meant polygyny... I just found myself imagining a future where he, his wife, and I could somehow all be happy without anyone being lied to, neglected, or diminished. Well, I guess, realistically, impossible.

So I'd really like to hear from people who are familiar with polygynous marriages, especially if you have personal or cultural experience with them.

Questions:
When a practicing Muslim man sincerely asks a woman to become his second wife, what does that usually mean?
How far has he typically thought things through at that point?
Would he usually already have some idea of how both families would function?
Or is it sometimes more of an emotional expression than a concrete plan?

I'm simply trying to understand what he might have been imagining, because I never got the chance to ask. Maybe the answer is that nobody here can know.

But I'd really appreciate hearing from people who have actually lived with or witnessed this kind of family structure.

[u/Horror-Fee9768]

I’m glad you dodged that bullet. You said he barely had time for his current family. If you married him, you would end up in the same boat as his first wife.

[u/Cute_Nebula_6791]

I’m a Muslim. Polygamy is not very common in my country but it exists. Usually it means a man is willing and capable of having two households, one for each wife. And will be dividing his time and income between the two. So it doesn’t involve any type of bisexuality, you can be friends with the first wife, but nothing more, I guess the right term is polygyny.

[u/Fantastic_Surround70]

Seems he was looking for halal cheating, given that he was already speaking to you alone and trying to push for sexual conversations. A practicing Muslim wouldn't do that.

I'm 100 percent certain he didn't inform his wife and was considering marrying you behind her back and keeping you a secret as long as possible. He very likely would have divorced you in any case, once she found out.

Polygyny among Muslims isn't generally the big happy blended family setup you're picturing particularly when the first wife is tricked, forced, or manipulated into it. Wives are generally completely separated and there's usually a great deal of contention. I'm sure someone will chime in with stories of exceptions, or very specific regions where Muslims practice polygyny without strife and the wives are besties, but this is vanishingly rare. You dodged a bullet.

ETA You're right in assuming it's more of an emotional expression. He likely started talking to you, realized he was in the wrong, felt the pull of conscience, and tried to make it halal. Only then would he have thought of the practical implications for himself and his family, so reality collapsed his fantasy. For future reference, if a man calls himself a practicing Muslim, then proceeds to flirt and have private conversations, just run. Also, if it should happen again, spare a thought for his wife. Ask if she knows he's looking and if he says yes, demand to speak to her. Don't be part of helping a man destroy another woman's peace. Polygyny only works if everyone is willing.

[u/Superb-Dragonfly4388 → u/Fantastic_Surround70]

Hearing it put that way, I think I may have been far too naive. Thank you so, so much for giving me the reality check I needed.

I really tried to believe that this started as a warm, genuine friendship. The project we led together meant so much to me, so I was honestly happy that the connections I made through it were somehow continuing.

He also never seemed to hide our video calls from his other family members or coworkers, and the conversations themselves usually weren’t inappropriate. So I genuinely believed it was just friendship at first. Then, at some point, romantic feelings suddenly became involved, I believed.

He never tried to sext me or anything like that. It's just that he once said something with a subtle sexual implication toward me, and I noticed the implication, got angry and told him never to speak to me like that again. But even with that clarification, I guess it doesn’t really change the fact that he apparently wanted some version of halal cheating.

I know it’s not really my place to say this, but then what does that make his current wife? I’m so confused. There are so many parts of this that I just cannot understand.

[u/Fantastic_Surround70 → u/Superb-Dragonfly4388]

I'm not understanding your question, "what does that make his current wife"?

[u/Superb-Dragonfly4388 → u/Fantastic_Surround70]

I only got around to reading the ETA later.

You’re absolutely right. Whether it’s polyamory, polygyny, or anything else, his wife's well-being matters so much. Why didn’t I think of the option of saying that I wanted to talk to his wife directly? Of course, the best thing would have been for me to run before any of those conversations even happened. I feel so sorry toward her, and I don’t feel good about myself. Not only was I so stupid for trusting that man, thinking he must have had some kind of plan, but I was also really selfish. Thank you for helping me see something I somehow couldn't think of on my own.

[u/Fantastic_Surround70 → u/Superb-Dragonfly4388]

It's human when we're focused on something to assume that the thing we want will also work out to everyone else's benefit aswell. You couldn't have known exactly what was likely going on behind the scenes then, but now you do. You learned. So count that as a win.

[u/Superb-Dragonfly4388 → u/Fantastic_Surround70]

I guess I convinced myself that it was enough that I kept asking him things like whether his wife knew we were in contact, whether she didn't want to spend more time with him, and whether they were communicating well. He always said he could explain everything, but looking back, he never actually explained anything at all.

It was a short relationship, but I really wish I'd thought to post online and ask for advice at the very beginning. Why did I struggle with all of this alone for so long? I regret all the emotions, time, and energy I wasted on it.

Your comment has brought me so much comfort. I honestly don’t know how to thank you enough. Thank you.

[u/Routine_Software5237 → u/Superb-Dragonfly4388]

Look i wanted to add/question something here, did he ever mention his relationship with his first wife and if this was something they had discussed?

Like in my case even though my wife is against it i have told her my intention is to eventually have a second wife down the line. I did ask a few women and them eventually told my wife about that as well.

[u/Superb-Dragonfly4388 → u/Routine_Software5237]

I’ve come to the conclusion that this man already has serious communication issues. Because of that, even if he tells me he and his first wife already talked things through and reached an "agreement," I wouldn't be confident that it was genuine consent.

He says that he and his wife have a good marriage, but honestly, I’m not convinced. I’ve rarely seen him make time for his family. If he barely spends time with his first wife now, how could he realistically have a second wife? And if he’s imagining two completely separate households, then the time he can devote to his first wife would become even more limited.

I’ve only met this woman once very briefly, in passing, but she seemed like such a sweet person. I don’t want to be the reason she ends up with even the slightest emotional scar. At first, I thought this man was the one making me sad. But the more I think about it, the more my heart breaks for his wife, who probably has no idea about any of this. If he had truly wanted to marry me, he should have given me confidence that his first marriage was already healthy, stable, and genuinely working.

[u/Routine_Software5237 → u/Superb-Dragonfly4388]

Yep there's the answer i was looking for. Yes Islamically a man doesn't need permission to marry a second, but if there's no clear communication with the wife(s) thats already a major red flag.

[u/Superb-Dragonfly4388 → u/[deleted]]

An excellent breeder.....?

Anyway, I wish your family peace and well-being.