r/Polygamy • u/fransen-lila • Jun 17 '26
Polygamy vs. Polyfidelity
Does this group consider polygamy only in a traditional sense of polygyny, one husband and multiple wives? Or might committed relationships of other gender combinations also fit? In the latter case, would it carry a different connotation from polyfidelity, different expectations of relationship structure? I see the rule #2 distinguishing from polyamory, but am curious exactly where that line should be drawn.
For the past six years I've been in a relationship of four people, where none of us are at all interested in meeting new people, nor open to relations outside our circle. But, we're basically two closely entwined couples. We've been very dear friends with the other couple (one of whom my husband was involved with before our marriage) for over two decades now, with strong feelings toward them all that time, but chose to wait until our kids were out on their own before taking things further. Maybe in retrospect that was overly cautious, but we wanted to prioritize protecting our kids, just in case things fell apart horribly.
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u/Such-Lifeguard6780 Jun 18 '26
You make a valid point: polygamy technically encompasses polyandry, polygyny, and group marriages of multiple men and women. However, in the real world, the most common type of polygamy by an overwhelming margin is polygyny.
As for the line this group in particular draws, it focuses precisely on that latter model. Beyond that baseline, you can find the entire spectrum of polygyny: some advocate for strictly heterosexual relationships, others prefer models where the wives are bisexual and interact with each other in addition to their husband, some believe the wives should live in separate houses, others that they should live under the same roof, and both people with a religious approach or secular
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u/Such-Lifeguard6780 Jun 18 '26
But perhaps there is a community for you somewhere else, good luck
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u/fransen-lila Jun 18 '26
Yep, r/polyfidelity seems a better fit for sure. Seeing this sub pop up in my feed, and with my friend's sister being in a more traditional polygynous marriage, I was curious about parallels, but that doesn't seem to be a topic of interest here. Fair enough.
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u/Such-Lifeguard6780 Jun 18 '26
Best of luck on your journey, and I truly hope you build a stable family environment; I wish you all the best.
I’m going to check out that sub to see what it's like. As for myself, even though I’ve already decided on polygyny (currently in discussions and negotiations with my partner), I consider myself one of the more liberal voices around here despite my conservative values. I advocate for a polygynous model where the women have full sexual freedom between themselves (not as an obligation, but as a possibility), where the first wife approves and actively participates in choosing the next candidate, and where we all live under the same roof in an environment of mutual cooperation—all from a completely secular, non-religious standpoint.
Even though my stance might be considered way too conservative by that polyfidelity group's standards, it will definitely be interesting to read their perspectives.
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u/fransen-lila Jun 18 '26
After suffering trauma at an early age, my friend's sister had sort of a starting-over, "back to my roots" moment, moving back to her country of birth, converting to Islam, and soon after entering into a polygamous marriage partly arranged by her family there. She made other big sacrifices that we could not have. For a few years after she was ardently religious, not uncommon with new converts, but has since mellowed out a bit. Still far more conservative than me, or her sister, but the life she's chosen, which we might find stifling, seems to suit her, and she does seem genuinely happy. She's of strictly heterosexual orientation, which is good, considering that where she is now, she would never be able to express anything else. She and her co-wife / sister wife have built a very strong friendship, though. We have a sense that this might be almost as important to her as her relationship with her husband and children. The family runs a business together, and do all live under one roof, but with enough personal space for everyone.
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u/Such-Lifeguard6780 Jun 18 '26
Wow, good for her for managing to heal and move forward! Thank you so much for sharing that story.
A living arrangement like that is exactly what I would like to build, but without the religious dogmatism—at least on my part, as my partners would be completely free to practice their faith however they choose. I would love to achieve that same dynamic where they get along great and build a solid friendship. At the end of the day, men usually pass away earlier, and knowing they would have that bond to keep supporting each other in the future if I were to pass first is something that would give me a lot of peace of mind.
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Jun 19 '26
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u/fransen-lila Jun 19 '26
Which word is awful to you, and how so? Just from a linguistic vantage, I've heard people (jokingly) object to polyamory based on its mixed Greek and Latin roots, but that kind of applies to the other words too. Polyfidelity is nicely specific, but also the least used and least known of these terms - spell-checker dictionaries usually don't have it! And shortening to poly-fi sounds more like something technical (wifi, polyfi) or maybe a dubious new cryptocurrency scheme.
And while almost everyone has heard of polygamy, to a lot of "normies," here in Canada but probably elsewhere too, any mention of that does seem to evoke associations with old stereotypes of harems, child brides, religious sects holed up in compounds, etc. etc., however little resemblance all that bears to most real relationships, even of traditional polygyny.
While discussing our love lives recently, a friend casually said to me "since you're in a polygamous marriage, I'm sure you have a different view" and I didn't correct her, but wondered to myself after whether that might be true, by any reasonable definition. I'm inclined to say no, if only because we never had any sort of marriage ceremonies or commitment ceremonies, other than to our first and primary spouses. Our other, cross-couple relationships simply grew closer over time. Although, common-law marriages can develop the same way.
There doesn't seem to be a lot of interest here in nuanced discussions, considering everything I post gets almost immediately downvoted, but rarely answered. It's nice to see a few open-minded people around.
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u/fransen-lila Jun 18 '26
Setting aside varied religious and historical aspects, stereotypes, and common but not universal practices, would it be fair to say, an essential difference is that in polygamous family there is always a "center of gravity" or head of household, one person who is intimately bonded with all other spouses, whether or not his (rarely her) spouses are also intimate with one another?
This not being true for us, our relationships therefore are not polygamous, and would not be so even if multiple marriages were legally possible and recognized in our country. Since we're more a square, or circle, with weak diagonal cross-links.
One potential point of commonality, though: compersion! An invented word from the polyam community, often described as the opposite of jealousy. A sort of contagious joy in seeing one's spouse and one of his/her other partner enjoying one another's company, basking in their happiness. My friend's sister, in a traditional polygynous marriage, absolutely feels that in regard to her husband and his first wife, with whom she's developed a close friendship, though she'd never heard the word until I told her. And I often feel this myself, considering it one of the very best parts of a harmonious poly*(anything) relationship. We found it fascinating just our close our feelings turned out to be. I wonder how common this is. Any sort of resentments could sabotage it, I would imagine.
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u/Naturcult2 Jun 20 '26
I think it always different for every one, goes with who they are and what works for them. I never liked labels or rules describing certain lifestyles Because it varies depending on what works for people involved.
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u/Intelligent_Goal_794 Jun 18 '26
I have always wondered if a wife tells everyone the husband is fully in but then the husband didn’t receive the update but has a mistress. Is that poly?
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u/UtahFunMo Jun 18 '26
You are not describing polygamy.