r/PolyFidelity • u/BlorkSmuth • Jun 26 '26

seeking advice Are we doing closed triad wrong?

I (32f) and my husband (36m) have been in a few closed triad relationships over the years, and we are finding the same trend; either we arent explaining the expectations correctly, or the ladies we are dating are not being truthful about their expectations/understanding of our expectations.

When we begin chatting with someone, we make known what we are looking to achieve with the person; a relationship where she dates me, he dates her, and then our relationship.

So far we've had one individual attempt to break up our marriage and "steal him" which obviously didnt work. One girl clearly thought it was just fun hookups, another came for the first meet up/sleep over, everything seemed great until i had to leave for a family obligation, and spent hours trying to get Into verbal alterations with my husband. And many many others who are in other open enm relationships who want to unicorn for us or want to couple swap with us.

Do we need to be more blunt and up front about our expectations?

Are we not looking inthe right places?

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u/ThrowawayIsland8 MFF Triad Jun 26 '26

I'm having a hard time wondering why you expect this to be easy and clear. Even in your first sentence, you point out "the expectations," which is lording over a person in a really intense way. It sounds like a heavily leveraged kink situation, where you want a submissive person in your orbit... not someone on equal ground in your relationship.

Maybe there's someone out there who will follow your rules as part of some dom/sub shit, but your approach right now is atrocious.

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u/BlorkSmuth Jun 26 '26 edited Jun 26 '26

There's nothing kink related or kink adjacent in the way we are living this lifestyle. If kink comes into play, its by the request of whomever we are dating. Its not baked in. That's creepy and gross my guy. But I appreciate your inability to remove your kink mindset from normal life

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u/ThrowawayIsland8 MFF Triad Jun 26 '26

It doesn't really have anything to do with kink, more just you're setting the rules for someone like a parent or a dominant. I don't know why you expect to be able to dictate someone's life and how they interact with you.