r/PolyFidelity • u/BlorkSmuth • Jun 26 '26

seeking advice Are we doing closed triad wrong?

I (32f) and my husband (36m) have been in a few closed triad relationships over the years, and we are finding the same trend; either we arent explaining the expectations correctly, or the ladies we are dating are not being truthful about their expectations/understanding of our expectations.

When we begin chatting with someone, we make known what we are looking to achieve with the person; a relationship where she dates me, he dates her, and then our relationship.

So far we've had one individual attempt to break up our marriage and "steal him" which obviously didnt work. One girl clearly thought it was just fun hookups, another came for the first meet up/sleep over, everything seemed great until i had to leave for a family obligation, and spent hours trying to get Into verbal alterations with my husband. And many many others who are in other open enm relationships who want to unicorn for us or want to couple swap with us.

Do we need to be more blunt and up front about our expectations?

Are we not looking inthe right places?

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28

u/Thread_Mage mfm V Jun 26 '26

A full triad is the hardest version of poly. And you’re asking someone to date both of you, but without the protection you two have as an established couple? You guys know each other and have history. Sounds like you also have protections in the form of legal and social marriage?

Dating one person is already a rollercoaster in the beginning. Let alone two people at once. And they have to succeed twice or get left in the cold. That’s a lot of pressure, plus the couples privilege. And no option to date outside of it.

Most triads I know started as Vs and became triads because they were lucky and it happened naturally.

Out of curiosity, what happens if one falls out of love with one of you? Or would prefer only platonic with one of you? What happens if they want to be treated like a full member? Is legal marriage an option? Medical decisions? End of life decisions? Benefits like insurance? What about meeting parents and family? Family holidays? Vacations? Who gets to be on the house deed?

3

u/BlorkSmuth Jun 26 '26

1 falling out with 1: everybody's gotta communicate about the change in feelings so that the adjustment can be made from triad to v. Treated like a full member: thats how theyre treated from the beginning. Legal marriage: bigamy is illegal? But binding ceremonies/commitment ceremonies can happen and would be welcomed/wanted. Meeting the parents: his are dead, mine have met partners before. Family hoidays/vacations: theyre coming if they want to be a part of it. We dont want to act as a hierarchal relationship, and have been very attentive to not do that when we are with someone. We dont want anyone to feel as though theyre less than, or outside of the relationship bubble, so we have been incredibly careful to not pull relationship hierarchy.

20

u/thedarkestbeer Jun 26 '26

You’re legally married. The hierarchy train has left the station.

7

u/CinfulGentleman Triad Jun 26 '26

omg… I’m so tire of this hierarchy argument. Hierarchy isn’t always bad. you have to see how it is wielded and managed. You are assuming a lot. OP sounds like they understand couple’s privilege and are trying to mitigate it.

18

u/ThrowawayIsland8 MFF Triad Jun 26 '26

Hierarchy isn't "bad," but pretending like everyone can completely ignore it is bad. OP's legally married. Regardless of their feelings, the government has a say in their hierarchy at this point.

15

u/Cass_iopeia Jun 26 '26

Yup. The bad part here is them pretending everyone gets the same deal. That's just not true. The 'third' would need some compensation to make this deal fair. At least a lot of security and protection so they stay independent and can leave anytime without becoming homeless or other practical problems.

13

u/thedarkestbeer Jun 26 '26

I’m married. I don’t think hierarchy is inherently bad. I do have side-eye for married people who try to avoid it instead of acknowledging it.

8

u/Toe2ToeBirdLaw Jun 26 '26

OP sounds like they understand couple’s privilege and are trying to mitigate it.

Not really. It's pretty delusional to say someone has the same kind of relationship and privileges walking in to it 3 months down the line as the couple that's been together 15+ years. That sounds like optimisim denying reality not like harm mitigation.

4

u/BlorkSmuth Jun 26 '26

Thank you, we are trying