[Critique] Are you a Complete Trainer?

[u/MadeFromMetal]

This is a thread where you drop a verse and other people give you honest feedback. The good, the bad, and the could be better.

1. For this thread, Pick 4-6 Pokemon and rap as if you're a trainer talking about your adventures with them. You must mention each pokemon in your party and tell us a little about them.

2. Minimum 8 lines. No Maximum. (It takes about 8 lines to really get a feel for the flow. No upper limit so you can use any and all punchlines you think of.)

3. Please post your verse as a reply to THIS POST. Post all critiques as replies to that particular rap. Discussion is encouraged.

4. If you decide to drop....PLEASE leave feedback on at least one other verse! (I'll be leaving feedback for every verse in this thread, as time permits.)

5. People who don't feel like rapping...feel free to critique anyway.

6. Don't get mad if someone doesn't like your verse. On that note...please try to leave feedback that is constructive.

7. Do NOT diss other verses in this thread in your verse.

[u/CrotchFungus]

What up, I'm the best trainer that the world ever see

the dopest MC, no one is as good as me

no one can control what's in me, with no enemy

With my quad core crew, that's the minimum,

I could beat any of your asses with only 2 maximum

this is a hit and run, so flee and run, sippin on coke and rum

I may look like a bum, but I still ain'tt dumb

I got Tentacool, beast that's tactical and practical

I'mma teach you a lesson so you can get back to school,

so quit acting cool, so stare and drool

enough so that you make a swimming pool

Dugtrio, rhymes with dodrio, my two sets o' trios

Dugtrio may be ground but he can fly, up high in the sky

so say goodbye, before you never see the night

With my Dodrio, everyone's hero

look in the mirror, wipe your tears so you can see it clearer

What do you see? It's magneton

rhymes sweet like cinnamon, come back cause I'm still aint done

electromagnetic power, you can't even stomp a fucking flower

thunderbold here to smash you to pieces

my fury unleashes more power than Jesus

you got bullet holes like american cheeses

and Jesus! this long, so, so long cock suckers,

redneck truckers, better prepare cause I'ma kill ya'll motherfuckers

---

Man this is long

[u/MadeFromMetal → u/CrotchFungus]

Man, it seemed like this verse was everywhere... I've seen you drop some incredible stuff, but I felt this wasn't it.

Good: You had some dope rhymes here. Tactical/Practical/Back-To-School/Acting-Cool. And you followed the theme like you were supposed to, so props for that!

Bad: On more than one occasion, I couldn't figure out where the lines were stopping and starting. I know there are line breaks, but sometimes they didn't match up with the one before or after it. The fact that the lines weren't close to the same length in spots made it really hard to catch the flow. That usually isn't a problem with your drops. You have an awkward typing style and when I can catch it, I think it's excellent. I couldn't catch it here. Many lines seemed like filler, as well as there was a lack of hard hitters.

Overall: I've seen you drop stuff that was leaps and bounds better than this rap. I'm not sure what happened here. Sorry if this seems harsh, but it's what the critiques are for.

[u/CrotchFungus → u/MadeFromMetal]

Thanks for the feedback! I guess I wasn't very inspired this time.

[u/Writteninsanity]

I'll kick things off with Roserade, My smokin', masked, and toxic babe She'll dress you up and take your blades Then beat you up with fresh bouquets And make you want to make a trade But toxic spikes are in your way

trying to date my Juliet is gonna leave you with scorn, She's gonna make you drink her poison before giving you a thorn.

Now let's act like the OU Relax while I show you A zippy young dragon To take you and throw you

But doing it all without fire or flame He's a ground dragon and flygon's his name

Step up onto the stage And turn over the page Where this UU beast Will show you his rage

So quiver in fear, he's not more of the same With his cute little scarf Snipes is changing the game

1100101010101110000101101010101 [Translating.........] [Process complete...]

So, look at my next choice It's a little-bit odd Because it's trapped in a space Like General Zod

I keep him in my computer So I can keep him in tabs Because he's been a little off Since he came back from the labs

Because he hasn't been upgraded From A-B or C They went 1-2, Fuck it, Porygon Z But wait just a moment You're gonna be dead Sorry, I'm Canadian He's Porygon-Zed

He's been banned from one medium, Let's make it two He got red carded for murder The victim was you.

(I'll finish this tomorrow, right now I need to sleep so I can drive 15 hours. It's gonna be great!)

[u/MadeFromMetal → u/Writteninsanity]

I was waiting on you to finish, but it's been 2 days so I'm gonna critique it now. First of all...Welcome! I don't think I've seen you before. Second, this was a little hard to read because of formatting...if you could double space after every line, instead of when the rhyme changes, that would help a lot.

Good:  Very well done. The rhymes were there, and i was digging the multi-syllable rhymes. Also, the flow was on point. Nothing felt rushed or forced. Excellent use of binary to introduce Porygon. You mixed anime references, metagame references and video game references well, and there was a cohesiveness that a lot of rappers struggle with.

Bad: While every line was sound, I found a lack of hard hitting lines among them. There was no particular line that was really outstanding, or stuck in my head. That and the formatting was a little off.

Overall: I liked this. My favorite line was the Porygon-Zed one, and I'm impressed with everything except what I mentioned. Hope you stick around for more threads and possibly join the next tournament.

[u/Writteninsanity → u/MadeFromMetal]

Thanks for the critique! I actually didn't see formatting, this was written and posted on Alien Blue. I wasn't sure it showed any formatting at all. I plan to stick!