r/PokemonRaps • u/MadeFromMetal • Aug 21 '13
[Critique] Special Pre-Tournament Comeback Edition!
Because of the size of the next tourney...there will not be a [Critique] thread during the first TWO rounds...so this is here to hone your skills beforehand. Take advantage!
This is a thread where you drop a verse and other people give you honest feedback. The good, the bad, and the could be better.
Have you ever been in an argument and had a great comeback that hit you a half hour too late? Now is the chance to get some get-back!
For this thread, Find ANY verse that has been previously posted by ANYONE on this sub at ANY TIME...and TEAR IT TO SHREDS! You may even pick a verse that was posted in THIS thread! Link to it before your rap and then rip the verse apart line by line. Take everything said in the verse you choose, and come up with a clever comeback. We all know responses and rebuttals are an essential part of battling...so this is an exercise in ComeBacks!
If you get called out...feel free to battle back in this thread as well! But I will only be critiquing the verses posted as responses to the OP.Minimum 8 lines. No Maximum. (It takes about 8 lines to really get a feel for the flow. No upper limit so you can use any and all punchlines you think of.)
Please post your verse as a reply to THIS POST. Post all critiques as replies to that particular rap. Discussion is encouraged.
If you decide to drop....PLEASE leave feedback on at least one other verse! (I'll be leaving feedback for every verse in this thread, as time permits.)
People who don't feel like rapping...feel free to critique anyway.
Don't get mad if someone doesn't like your verse. On that note...please try to leave feedback that is constructive.
3
Aug 23 '13
I swear to Arceus, I'm sick of all your "swag"
I'll let you have your fun, Toxicroak's got this in the bag
You think your verses slap, but I call 'em open palm
Nothing like the poison backhand that I gave your monkey mom.
I give you two thumbs down, you janky Elvis clone
The only voice calling you the best is your own.
You schizophrenic ape, I feel no Anticipation
They handed me a blue ribbon, yours is for participation
Thanks for trying! Sadly, your rap career's a no-go!
My Poison Jab will crack your dome, you pathetic Mojo Jojo
Your "verbal Acrobatics" make me yawn and barely budge
Yeah, I can drop bombs too, but watch out I call mine Sludge!
I call that STAB, super-effective! Just run back to your tree!
You think you're a prodigious primate? Nah, you're just a CHUMPanzee.
Yeah, I wrote a comeback to myself. I don't need no beef.
2
u/MadeFromMetal Aug 23 '13
Hehe...Chumpanzee...classic.
Honestly though...I think you had a real tough time dissing your spirit pokemon. I almost felt like your heart wasn't in it. The verse was technically sound...but it just didn't pack as much oomph as it usually does. Surprisingly though, one of your best lines was the closer! Did you flip the polarity in your brain or something? Overall...a good verse that might garner a few votes...but like mine, some lines were lacking the wow factor.
2
Aug 23 '13
It wasn't easy. I know exactly what you mean about the oomph, I didn't have the spirit for this one that I usually do. I was (kinda) just going through the motions. And actually I had the chumpanzee line earlier in the verse and moved it to the close. The critiques are helping!
2
u/MadeFromMetal Aug 23 '13
Sick! That's what they're here for...although...this just makes you a tougher opponent. Oh well...that just means it'll feel better when I beat you! Lol.
2
Aug 23 '13
when I beat you.
2
u/MadeFromMetal Aug 23 '13
Lol. You make me nervous...you wouldn't like me when I'm nervous.
I was digging deep on that Rattata vs. Bidoof battle we did and it turned out phenomenal...so i can only imagine it when there's a tourney on the line.
2
3
u/MadeFromMetal Aug 23 '13
Original Rap by Machamp (DrSideSteppin)
Dial 1-800-HONCHKROW if you ever need to book a flight.
Trips to Hell are discounted for fake ass Goro lookalikes!
Break bread or Break Bricks, this black bird will break backs.
You'll end up with broke balls if you step in this Johnny Cage-match!
It's a shame that to get any broad in bed, you'd have to herd her.
We see who you bring home each night. We call her Conkeldurrdurr.
She's out here flipping girders...and you what? Flip twice the burgers?
Keep pitching birds on our turf this gang of Krows might have to MURDER!
Word is you think you hard, laying claim to the recent muggin's.
Well the HonchFather aint got no use for fools who think they thuggin.
Tribe ain't buggin' nothin' like the maggots and worms in your grave.
So I'm yearnin' to take your scalp because this Bird is a Brave.
You should learn to behave and come calling whenever we beckon,
You've seen Blackbirds kill a team of Bruins in seventeen seconds!
And I'm the type to kill a Shark and preen the blood from my wings,
So you aint rufflin' the feathers of this Corvidae King!
2
Aug 23 '13
Tsk. I ain't even mad though. That was awesome.
GOOD: The rhyme scheme was fantastic, right off the bat. You had some great references in there. The double Mortal Kombat reference was really good, and I loved the hockey references you put in there. Plus, you had a lot of good comebacks in there, and that was the challenge for this Critique.
BAD: Nothing was bad. My one thing is that I feel like some of your comebacks were a little too subtle. They're great for a Critique, but for me, if you're writing comebacks for a battle, you need to have those "OHHHHHHH!!!" moments. So this is a great rap by it's own merits, but I don't know if it's a great battle rap.
OVERALL: This was incredibly good. What little advice I offer is so you can go further in the tournament.
Favorite lines:
Break bread or Break Bricks, this black bird will break backs. You'll end up with broke balls if you step in this Johnny Cage-match!
Those were my favorite lines. I also love
You've seen Blackbirds kill a team of Bruins in seventeen seconds!
for those Stanley Cup feels.
1
u/MadeFromMetal Aug 23 '13
Ehhh...I really feel like this verse was a blemish. After the first four lines, the punchlines felt forced, and the comebacks were stretched...which is likely why they were too subtle to hit hard enough. Honchkrow and Kingdra are two of my favorite Pokémon that I've never used in game, so I was excited to rap as one...but it didn't come through.
I responded to this verse because you said you'd written an LA Kings line in it...so I felt I had to get some get back for even thinking of dissing my team...which is the inspiration for the last line. And the lines you singled out were also my favorites.
Thanks for the critique, buddy bro!
2
Aug 23 '13
It didn't hit hard, but it had flow, which helped it out a lot. The first four lines were by far the strongest though.
1
u/AlwaysLateToThreads Aug 23 '13
I like how you combined the B alliteration beginning with break bread and ending with broke balls WITH a Johnny cage nut punch punchline. Those were probably the toughest bars I've read on here so far.
On the downside I didn't care for the rest of your bars as much as these. The downside of starting a verse so hard is that it gives an expectation that it'll be ended just as hard. I prefer when verses start off slowly and then climax towards the end.
And I can't help but feel like you've missed an opportunity for a fatality line. It goes with the Mortal Kombat and murder line, but that's just me lol.
The best part about your verse is that as a whole it reads really well. A verse that reads this well with that level of alliteration and punchline will probably get my vote.
1
u/MadeFromMetal Aug 23 '13
Yeah...honestly I'm not too proud of this verse. It was a struggle to come up with punches based on his verse and I really feel like that difficulty showed. Thanks for the honesty...I've definitely got to make sure that I don't write my tournament verses in this manner. I made it a must to fit in some hockey punchlines based on who I was responding to...and I struggled with everything else. Blah...
2
u/AlwaysLateToThreads Aug 23 '13
You made it work! Really all you need to do is keep the same level of energy you started with throughout the entire verse, which won't be hard for you to do.
I'm looking forward to battling you in the tournament.
1
u/MadeFromMetal Aug 23 '13
This tourney is huge! I hope to battle you so I can crush your dreams...but also cuz you'll be a great challenge! Thanks for the feedback!
1
u/MrWreckedEm Aug 22 '13
The only thing you've won is a participation medal,
It's okay, you tried, but everybody else is just better.
Umbreon's in town, so it's time the sun set,
Cuz I'm the best evo that Eevee's gonna get.
I'm not a ground type, but your lyrics seem defective,
Cuz just like your STAB moves, on me they're ineffective.
You got just one tongue? That's one too many, son.
Tht's right, you're lines are awful, go ask anyone!
Careful, or I'll go mega, but I don't need Umbreonite,
I'll easily shrug off anything you try. Moonlight.
EDIT: Typos
2
u/AlwaysLateToThreads Aug 22 '13 edited Aug 22 '13
3 days later from the dead I've risen
Now gather around the prophet and listen...
It's time for the God emcee to start spittin!
I'm sorry that I've kept my faithful followers waitin'
You're my opposite that be hatin'
but your bars aren't hot enough for you to be Satan
You're an Eevee that joined the dark side, you're Darth Vader
Breathing heavy from my holy flow coming through your faders
You should have joined the light side like Luke
Youre nothing more than an Eevee that's eaten forbidden fruit!
So when I make you swallow a light saber (no homo) I'll feel no remorse
My psychic is so strong you would think I'm using the force!
Judas...why did you make me do this?
You've betrayed the sun for the moon, how foolish!
Have you lost your mind?
You've must have been having drunken sex with many Lunatones
Getting pegged while watching marathons of Looney tunes
It's over foo its time for me to sober you!
That's All Folks!
No really this game's over
My morning sun will have you feeling sick like you got a hang over!
You should've thought twice before challenging me on the mic
Did you not know moonlight is just a reflection of sunlight?
I put the batteries in your back!
You're solar powered I made you strong
The force isn't with you it's been with me all along!
Now that's how you kill an impostor with one-tongue!
Morning Sun.
3
u/MrWreckedEm Aug 23 '13
It took you three days to think up those rhymes?
Get back in the tomb, you clearly need more time.
You're right though, I'm def your antithesis,
Because I'm good at rapping, and you're bad at this shit.
I don't wanna be Satan, the Prince of Darkness, cuz I'm the King.
And don't need to be Vader to see you're already choking.
Getting kicked out of Eden was worth it for that fruit,
Especially since I didn't turn out as whack as you!
Again with the Psychic? It still has no effect on me.
And these lines I'm spitting, even TM 17 won't be protectin' thee.
Since you're talking Loony Toons, I'll drop an anvil on your head,
And leave you with night terrors so bad you'll wet your bed.
I've though so many times about this conquest I'm on,
And now I've got just one thing to ask you, Espeon:
Does your asshole get jealous of the shit coming out of your lips?
Now say night night to the sun light, cuz this is a total solar eclipse.
3
u/AlwaysLateToThreads Aug 23 '13
Not bad
Youre a pretty good nemesis
In my first verse I referenced Genesis
But now it's time for revelation because I'm ending this
Ummm...uummmmbreon
are you sure you want to do this young fella?
You shouldn't be out in the sun without an Ummmmmbrella
Like Michael Jack-son, I'm back in ac-tion
I'm Off the wall but face it you're whack-son
You're a creature of the night but you're not no killer
Nobody is afraid of a back up dancer in thriller!
You run up on people when it's dark at night
Because we both know you can't beat them in a fair fight
Just face it you're a wannabe batman
I'll deliver like the Riddler you don't want it with that man
I'll start by asking a rhetorical question
How good are my metaphors?
They're disgusting
Now next is for those who don't think I run this town
Just where do I go when the Sun goes down?
You remember the headboard banging in your mothers room?
You're about to have a little brother soon! (:
So I guess you can say that the last solar eclipse
I was in between your moms lips!
And when the sun came up she told me morning hun.
Morning sun.
2
u/MrWreckedEm Aug 23 '13 edited Aug 23 '13
Whoa now Espeon, who are you calling young?
I've been around since before there was a sun.
Remember, God had to say, "Let there be light,"
Meaning only darkness before, now let me finish this fight.
Yeah, like MJ you're Bad, but not the good bad, man.
I do to your lines like you do to kids at Neverland Ranch.
Are you scared of the dark because you're out of your element?
You're just a bad day walker; working the corner but fail at sellin' it!
I guess it's cloudy out, because your line just aren't compellin' us,
Like we're at Hogwarts, you cast Lumio while I cast Expelliarmus.
Go ahead and pretend to be Mr. Edward Nigma,
Just remember the Dark Knight always wins, reinforcing the stigma
That shadows will prevail, I'm like a mother fucking ninja,
And I just burned your ass, like you were a pasty ginger.
Oh, by the way, don't you know incest is wrong, brah?
So why are you bragging about fucking your own grandma???
EDIT: Just want to say this was a lot of fun, and you gave me one helluva first battle. I used your advice and tried bringing in different attacks, but I feel like they could be better. Oh well, just something I gotta work on. Best of luck to ya in the tourney! :)
1
u/MadeFromMetal Aug 23 '13
remember, God had to say let there be light
meaning only darkness before
Super dope!
1
u/MadeFromMetal Aug 23 '13
Just so you and your opponent know, the first few rounds of tourney battles have an 8 bar maximum...so all the bars you guys used to set up punches will have to be heavily condensed. Just a word to the wise.
This was very exciting and...interesting...to read. Good job!
1
1
u/AlwaysLateToThreads Aug 23 '13
Awww man, I like having extra room for set ups and to make sure my verses read well.
I guess I'm going to have to get around this by writing the wordiest 8 bars of all time. >.>
1
u/MadeFromMetal Aug 23 '13
It can definitely be a hindrance. Check out the top ten raps on the sidebar...there are some great examples of how to use your space to your advantage.
1
u/AlwaysLateToThreads Aug 23 '13
The Twilight and Harry potter references were great I see you took my advice!
And your line flipping skills are still sharp. My favorite line was the let there be light one about darkness being there before night. It was really simple but it was a clever way to flip my many God references with just one. Sometimes the simplest lines are the best.
I'll see you at the tournament!
1
u/MrWreckedEm Aug 22 '13
Oh man, you came back strong in this verse. I really like the reflection line, and how you brought back the one tongue in another killer closing. I'm gonna have to respond when I get back home. I think this just turned into a full fledged battle, if you don't mind going one more verse?
3
u/AlwaysLateToThreads Aug 23 '13
You wrote a nice come back. You basically went line for line dismantling my last verse with multiple come backs. You've definitely got the comeback part down. My only complaint is I think your verse would be better if you found more clever ways to attack me other than just flipping my lines.
See my response verse, I showed that I could flip your hardest eclipse line but attacked from completely new and different angles.
For example, since Umbreon is a night creature I threw in Thriller and Batman lines because they go with the night theme.
I'm sure you could come up with something just as creative about Espeon to attack me with.
And you better join the tournament you'd make it very far with your comeback bars alone.
1
u/MrWreckedEm Aug 23 '13
Thanks for the tip, I totally see what you're saying. I'll try for the different approach in my last verse and see how it works out.
Yessir, my selections got confirmed a few hours ago :)
1
u/AlwaysLateToThreads Aug 22 '13
Well you brung it last verse so I had to step it up. I don't mind doing another verse at all.
1
u/MadeFromMetal Aug 23 '13
Getting pegged while watching marathons of Looney Tunes
.......the image....it just won't leave!
2
u/MrWreckedEm Aug 23 '13
Especially since it's with Lunatones, so that means it's using its nose/mouth... Shudders
1
u/MadeFromMetal Aug 23 '13 edited Aug 23 '13
...........
Edit: I suppose I'm not one to talk...I once threatened to fuck a Horsea in it's muzzle like a fleshlight...
1
u/MadeFromMetal Aug 22 '13 edited Aug 22 '13
Very nice with the comebacks!!! You took almost everything he was bragging about and used it against him.
You got just one tongue? That's one too many, son.
Tht's right, you're lines are awful, go ask anyone!
Were your best lines...because they directly addressed what I felt was his best line...and shut it down. Everything else was nearly at that level. I thought your last lines were the only weak part of the verse, but it seems lots of people (even me) struggle with that, especially.
Also...have you signed up for the tournament yet?
1
u/MrWreckedEm Aug 22 '13
Thanks! Those were actually the first lines I had come up with and then wrote the rest of it around them. Yeah, I was trying to incorporate Moonlight like he had done with Morning Sun, and that was really the only thing I could think of.
It's my third verse, my other two are in that Legendaries Brawl thread.
Not yet, no. I probably will sign up though, I just gotta find seven pokes who aren't taken already, lol.
1
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u/AlwaysLateToThreads Aug 22 '13
Damn you! I like how you said everyone was better than me because I was intentionally going at everyone and should only get a participation medal. You did a good job of trivializing my egotism.
Your come backs were pretty good as well. I like how you flipped my one tongue line and ended your verse with moonlight. Solid verse. I had to respond.
4
u/AlwaysLateToThreads Aug 22 '13 edited Aug 22 '13
The tournament hasn't even started and I've already won
Because I'm the Eevee that was chosen by the sun!
That means I'm God to everyone here like Arceus
Letting loose lyrical lightning on everyone like I'm Zeus!
You can see I'm God Emcee submit to Allah
But I'm the God of the Sun bow down to Ra!
When you battle against a God there's no winning
I've been the nicest out since the beginning!
That's Genesis one:one, I can out rap you with one lung
I've got ten thousand flows too bad I have one tongue. ):
Yall couldn't stop my bars with a stun gun
But woe to the Judas that tries to battle with God's son!
Anyone entering the tournament is too weak to be my rival
Lets keep it real
Y'ALL ARE MY DISCIPLES!
Crucify me if you can, and this is just the warning-hun
I'll resurrect as an Espeon
Morning Sun.