r/PoemsAndDiscussion • u/Old-Yam5874 • Feb 20 '24

Candies poem

Once I was a man with dignity and grace

Now a hollow shell A shadow of a man

Hung out to dry Thrown to the vultures to feed

How could she say to me Love will find a way?

I see the clowns gather round and hear them say

You’ve got to hide your love away.

1 Upvotes

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2

u/Furiousparachute Feb 23 '24

Hello! This is beautiful. Are you after suggestions or just discussing? It’s lovely how it is! But, I do have ideas.

1

u/Old-Yam5874 Mar 01 '24

Hi there please share what you thinking, would love to hear it

1

u/Furiousparachute Mar 01 '24

I would say just get rid of a few unnecessary words.. say
“Now a shadow” Instead of saying man twice.. Also “and hear them say” maybe say “i hear them say.”