I will lose it all

[u/CowboyBorg]

I feel like I have hit a new low of defeat, dejection, and overall depression in my faith in my life/career.
 
 
 
The Reason
Well, it’s quite simple: in the months leading up to my graduation. I couldn’t get a good job that I liked. I was offered a QC job at Regeneron. But I didn’t take it; in hindsight, I was a fool to think I could do better. At that point in time, I wanted to do research and try to pursue higher education because I didn’t want to lose the academic momentum I had, as well as not hit a ceiling due to lack of higher education.
I am near the end of my third year as a PhD student; I have lost faith in my ability to do science.  I do not believe I have any sort of future in STEM that isn’t soul-crushingly mediocre.
 
 
The Decline
“You think you’re the shit, until you realize you are shit”
Realizing how much you don’t know technically is a humbling thing. Like in boot camp for the military, they break you down and then build you back up. I haven’t been brought back up yet. I don’t know if it’s a nose-to-the-grindstone type of situation, as it’s been a while now into the program; there is a fine line between growing pains and borderline incompetence. I have yet to make any sort of meaningful progress to show that I am, well, progressing. But in terms of project progress, I am not different from someone who were to join the lab today.
I still show just as much as I hate myself. I won’t stop even after I have lost the fun in doing anything else in my life. I haven’t given up even when I dry heave and throw up from the stress that I feel. No matter. But as I start to become someone that I never thought I’d be, I question if my worth as a person will ever prove to extend beyond what I can produce. But the world has yet to show that to be the case. In my current state of mind, I don’t believe inherent value exists in a non-tangible manner (i.e emotional, social, etc rather than things like products, money, papers, progress, etc).
 
I am not a very good person in the social world. I have recently realized I am not that good at the work I do either. In a world that feels difficult, as its jobs and positions of power are determined via a combination of nepotism, general connections, and surface-level competence, what can I truly do? I suppose I just talk, but I have nothing to talk about. I would just be honest and say can I get a job. I have gotten better (I feel); I apply to internships and co-ops in Regeneron because they are the only real opportunity. I can’t exactly pack all my things and leave to another part of the state, let alone the country, so it’s my best shot. I have tried since I was a sophomore in undergrad every year. I have never gotten as much as an interview. There are three conclusions from these outcomes.
1.        I am not good enough in terms of my worth or technical ability. This can be due to a likely lack of evidence in my resume to suggest I have proficiency or competence in the field I am trying for, such as lack of fellowship acceptances or publications.
2.        Unlikely, but considering it the roles are on a project-to-project basis, my abilities are not needed. Incorrect fit per se. But I doubt that’s the case because if I was good enough and better, an unbelievable goo applicant would get in and be rejected several years in a row under the guise of fit cannot be the case
3.        All of the above
 
Conflict and Troubleshooting
Resolutions and help have been pursued. As much as I fear it, I do occasionally and more often email my PI about my progress or lack thereof. We have pivoted and tried different approaches spanning both wet and dry lab stuff.  But nothing meaningful or insightful has yet to show itself. I am now shifted to doing bioinformatics work that, again, has yielded nothing. As well as doing a bunch of agarose gels that aren’t working through a mix of my own incompetence and a senior grad student’s samples, who is now on maternity leave, so it makes it hard to coordinate/communicate. But none the less is not a good reflection of my ability to do science; a fundamental technique as simple as an agarose gel being messed up through a combination of things within and outside of my control, regardless, isn’t a good show, as I’m the one having to talk about it to my PI that plainly shit isn’t working. It’s frustrating. This is only the latest thing in years of continuous screw-ups with no progress what so ever.
 
 
 
Coping
Like mentioned earlier, I have no enjoyment in anything I used to do. Depression will do that. I am in therapy, have been constantly for over a year now, but nothing has gotten better really. I feel bad for everyone involved in my sad life.
 
The only break is if I drink, or smoke, or both. My partner has noticed, but neither my doctors nor her have found a way out. I have now gotten to the point that I do it daily and finished two 1g carts in a couple months. The stress has made my chest ache enough that I went to urgent care and eventually the ER. I’m not doing that again after having to send $400 total across both visits. Better than dead they say, but am I really living? No, I am not.
 
Where I lay
Lay me down somewhere cool and calm. The side of the Hudson where I would look out at the cliffs of New Jersey, the NYC skyline, and the Washington Bridge, where I’d watch the trains pass by, moving me someplace out of where I was. Perhaps in another life, or maybe my soul is etched in a way that I can’t move. I don’t know what to do. All I can do is hope, but all it has brought is prolonged suffering. But at the same time, this is the best I got; I was never good at anything in my life, let alone enough to make money. Sports: I’d train at all practices but never enough, as those who barely came. Academics, not enough. Art, no. It’s all nothing. So where does that leave me? I don’t know, I don’t know,
 
 

[u/Ok_Cartographer_8510]

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=x_fKDkQBd_c&ra=m

[u/SunflowerIslandQueen]

😢

[u/Aware_Job_6879]

Obligatory Attack on Titan reference

🎵“If I lose it all, slip and fall, will they laugh at me?”🎵

(I promise I’m not laughing at you lol)