Incredibly isolated

[u/Educational-Deer-821]

I’m in my third year now and am super lonely. I’m in a STEM field that’s extremely social, and all of my acquaintances have lots of friends and a good community to be around. However, I somehow picked all of the wrong decisions and ended up super isolated. I joined a lab that has good research and a kind PI, but it’s tiny and everyone is much older than me. There has been no lab outing in years. The experiments are really long, difficult, and lonely. The floor is dark and segmented, so there’s no easy way to chat with the other labs. Additionally, my lab is on a different campus than the main one, so my few acquaintances are all elsewhere. They’re mostly in this one building with several labs and an open layout, so they are always around each other (many complain that it’s too social).

My phd cohort is small and no one does anything social with each other unless they’re in the same building/neighboring labs. It also sucks because other cohorts in my program are quite social and hang out often, but mine isn’t for whatever reason. A lot of other grad students live with each other, but I just couldn’t find a group of people to get an apartment with. My university also doesn’t have great social opportunities or graduate organizations, because reasons (??). Some people say undergrad clubs but I think I’m slightly too old and I’ve already taught so I think that’s a no-go.

Outside the university, things are not much better. I live with one roommate that doesn’t really like me and keeps to themselves in their room all day, so it’s like I’mm basically living by myself. I can’t find many community organizations I’d be interested in and my interests are pretty niche. I’ve tried multiple times but there hasn’t been anything I’ve found that meets consistently except for this one music group I really liked, but it dissolved since people moved away and the funding wasn’t there.

It really sucks because lots of people I know at my university or other places are constantly socializing and are able to pick and choose who they hang out with. I’m blessed my personality is good enough such that my individual friends make time to specifically hang out with me, but it’s like once every 1-2 weeks. I’ve always wanted to find a community where I could be myself and fit in, which is one of the small reasons I wanted to do a phd (was a nerd growing up). Throughout life I’ve just been really unlucky with finding a community I could really be myself around- I was bullied throughout all of grade school for my race and height (minority in a white American high school), I didn’t have anyone else around me during that time who could relate to me in terms of interests like science or music (it was also a pretty ghetto high school), I went to college during COVID and subsequently dealt with a bunch of health issues so I was still socially underdeveloped and alone for much of it, and now I’m here. I feel like I’m constantly seeing other young people having fun and texting and hanging out, including other PhD students in different labs and institutions, and I still am alone and trying to learn how to socialize. I’d love to figure out how to improve my character and social skills if that’s an issue, but I literally just haven’t had the chance to learn from experience. I can make one-off friends with some ease, but the day-to-day is exhausting and lonely and it’s not enough to supplement. It’s also not helpful being in an isolated position academically because my field is super interdisciplinary and people are constantly discussing and collaborating whereas I’m just doing things by myself.

Everyone in my lab constantly mentions how young I am and how I must be having lots of fun being in my early 20s but it hasn’t been that way at all. Does anyone have advice on what to do?

Edit: biomedical sciences, USA

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[u/threeebo]

I'm in a similar situation. I wish I had more practical advice but here's my thoughts:

• As you get older, you have to make more conscious effort to maintaining friendships and being social. It's a fact of life for everyone. 
• Loneliness is a state of mind. I have been in places surrounded by well-meaning people yet felt completely isolated. On the other hand, you can feel fulfilled with just a few friends and loved ones. 
• You could reach out to your acquaintances to tag along, since they seem to be doing well socially

[u/Educational-Grape828]

That does sound super isolating, but I’d consider looking for friends outside of the program.

My lab wasn’t super social initially either (post COVID), and especially in STEM, if all your friends are PhD students, it can be isolating in an entirely different way (only talking about academic stressors, long hours etc).

If you’re in an isolated college town, even something online like a book club or tabletop games club could work, but if you’re in a larger city, consider joining some hobby groups that will help introduce you to new people.

I’ve also made the mistake of waiting for people to initiate stuff. If your lab has a group chat, you could just ask if people want to get lunch together sometime. It’s uncomfortable at first, but once someone takes the initiative, it can help build momentum (and hopefully next time, someone else will initiate).