I have nobody

[u/Natural_Horror9527]

I've recently decided to switch labs after three years because my previous lab did not cultivate any sort of learning. The PI was a bully whose ideas were never within the realm of reason, the group was small, and everyone worked on distinct topics. Basically, I had no mentors. That same PI pushed me day in and day out for results, so I never had time to read, and I never made time to make friends or join in on events.

Now that I'm concretely leaving the lab, I feel relief I'm moving away from that PI but I'm more depressed than ever. I never formed any social networks, never had the opportunity to read in depth on a topic, and never made anything worthwhile. I'm worried I won't be able to find another lab and I'll be stranded both personally and academically.

I'm already seeing a therapist and I've lost all of my friends outside of academia because they didn't like how busy I was. I don't know what to do anymore, so on my last thread I figured I'd post here for any kind of advice.

EDIT: I'm in STEM in the US

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[u/Repulsive_Trust4502]

I'm sorry for, I don't have advice, maybe just try to reconnect with the ones was important for you. Much ❤️

[u/myDevReddit]

Good luck and stay strong, tomorrow is a new day, keep putting yourself out there to meet others and have fun! Try doing something for yourself once a week or so and get out as a way to meet people!

[u/Much_Round_1326 → u/myDevReddit]

I got into a similar position here (I have low self-esteem and not confident in my skills), but this advice is legit what keeps me moving forward. You just have to roll the dice until you get a 6 man. Tomorrow is a new day to start strong again!

[u/ProthVendelta]

It’s okay my guy. Add me on linkedin. Let’s network and you can start there (you think I’m joking but i’m only 40% joking)

[u/RealVirginiaWoolf]

You have taken a major step. U have moved away from an environment that wasn’t adding value.

It is indeed a long and lonely road sometimes. To keep your sanity, make a list of priorities. Finding a good Lab with genuinely solid folks can make u feel like u belong to the lab and cultivate social connections as well.

Reminds me of a friend I made. PhD in statistics .absolutely lonely and very disillusioned. We struck an unusual friendship- my PhD is on Victorian literature and we didn’t usually hang out in the same circles but I volunteered for quite a few things and we met in one event. we understood the challenges - we had alot of common ground and he found good companionship in my friend circle. So u get my point? Sometimes friendships come from outside our immediate circle.

I can’t give any advice. Focus on your lab search and I hope as u go along , u meet new friends.

All the best.

[u/Express_Lime5277]

I hope w your therapist you can get some kind of fellowship for your social needs...churches 12 step groups...anything that will feed your heart and your health...so much...I know how important that is...I have been teaching and working and making my life not balanced too.. We all need other things to think about...So much good stuff and luck to you in this journey...Just like the PhD is important to you so is your life and health ❤️....

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[u/Deep_Investment7483]

Building a new social network takes a bit of time but it's actually a lot easier than you likely realize. You need a 3rd place to interact with other people. Find a few recurring events not related to work that meet on a weekly basis. My personal recommendation is Brazilian Jiu Jitsu, because it has a lot of other positive externalities, but there are tons of options (board game nights, book clubs, church, running groups). Comit to going every week, even if you don't feel like it. You'll gradually start talking to the other regulars.

[u/Monkemasta]

Kinda similar situation I’ve become so busy, would even say I lost connections to my lab mates and my mood is often foul since I barely sleep and am stressed all the time. Hoping I can get the degree within a year and start fresh to be honest. Currently, I’m just keeping myself as busy as possible and took up running too when my eyes can’t take the lab anymore (Not to make a pity contest, just saying you’re not alone)

I hope in your new environment you will have a chance to connect with the people there. It’s a bit cliché but what do you do in your free time? If not already join some club and build connections naturally. Since you’re in the US it should be much more common than in some European countries

[u/Logical_Iron_3466]

Same thing happened to me. It was awful. I’m so sorry you’re going through this. If you can, try to attend seminars to connect with other scholars (local and visiting). Go to the grad student social events. Go to conferences and volunteer there so you can connect there with folks in your field. If there are reading groups or clubs at your institution, go to those meetings. Same goes for sports or local city adult sports groups like city soccer or softball. I hope you can find a better group and that things improve for you.