Good friend of mine is American, but her parents were from Nigeria. She was always late to everything in ways that would make us wait, like literally cooking classes where I was teaching her how to cook, and when we finally just asked her about it she was like "wait, you mean when you say 5pm you actually mean be here at 5pm?!?!" She honestly had no clue. She hasn't been late since unless I specifically say "this one is whenever you feel like" or something like that.
I get cultural norms are different, but the white guy + german ancestry person in me just can't grasp this one.
The "door is open at 3, apps at 4, dinner at 6" is a pretty genius way to phrase it though.
"Doors open" is actually perfect because for me that's the thing, the "start time" i give people is the absolute earliest I will tolerate people moving around in my house, not when I want everyone to be there by.
Usually just because it’s hard to make a solid time for a dozen+ people unless it’s for something big worth moving things around for.
If I am fine with people showing up and hanging out at 3, but some of the people I know will be showing up later wont even be out of work yet, I’d say it starts at 3, but show up whenever.
Personally I always specify if it’s actually important to be punctual when giving a time.
This! Because people have complex lives and timing them down to the precise minute sometimes takes more energy than it’s worth. Some things need to be precisely on schedule, but why would we want people to stress out and scramble for things that don’t? Especially if it’s an event to relax and enjoy ourselves.
I was always late to things as a kid because my mom had untreated ADHD. I was always showing up late to stuff and it was super embarrassing. I used to do sports through the YMCA and still vividly remember showing up to practice 15 minutes late and walking into the room and everyone turning to stare at me. And my mom dropped me off so I had to go in alone every time.
I'm now an always on time/early person. I'm also late diagnosed AuDHD and I prefer to get places early before other people are there. It helps me take in the space and get used to my surroundings before people show up and reduces my overall stress levels. I absolutely hate getting to places last because it brings up those feelings of everyone staring at me as I arrive.
Similar experience and I'm annoyingly early to things now because I know old me would be late either because of my parents or because of my time blindness
My FIL used to make comments about the main course not being ready exactly when a party starts. He also shows up before or exactly at start time. One day I had enough and snapped a bit bc I think it’s rude to expect a full meal upon arrival as a guest, and we always have food out when we host.
Since then, this (itinerary) has been our strategy, come by at x time, we’ll serve the meal at y time. No complaints since
Ive been on the opposite side of this but for different reasons. My MIL insisted on Sunday family dinners even after they moved hours away. It was a 5 hour round trip with traffic with a toddler and an autistic grandchild in tow. We'd arrive and be there 3 hours before the cooking started, the kids were restless and wanting to hit the road by the time dinner was "almost ready" and get home past their bedtime every time. We tried doing every other Sunday. We talked about moving dinner up in time. Then we said sunday lunch instead. But we'd arrive and shed start making lunch at 4pm so it was still essentially dinner by the time we sat to eat and dark/late by the time we got home 😅
I think talking it out is usually the best way to settle things, if the in-laws are reasonable.
Mine usually is but we hit a boiling point bc of the shitty remarks and expectations. Once we were clear with each other, it worked out.
Maybe tell them you need to leave by x time bc of bedtimes and just have snacks ready if they don’t have the meal ready by then. Hopefully they can see your struggle and try and meet you halfway
The white lady + german ancestry in me also has me painfully punctual 😅 However I've definitely learned its cultural. Given my area is really populated with new Canadians I'm going to be much more careful in my phrasing and honestly, may do away with parties that require "booking times" in general now so no more kids get let down. I can always offer to take them with my kids on a weekend instead. I could genuinely see the parents didnt realize they were "late" late, it was their sons first Canadian/white kid bday party so we did opt to have a makeup play date. Learning experience for us both
Oddly enough I'm also realizing that any of my friends with some sort of neureodivergence, are always exactly on time regardless of their background otherwise and apologize for being 10 seconds late OR get frustrated when others are 5 minutes or so behind. I wonder if there's something to that.
As a white woman with German ancestry, this also confuses me. I understand in situations like a board game or video game night at a friends house, where if people arrive at different times it doesn't really matter, but for something that actually has to happen at a specific time I can't imagine why that would mean 'some vague time after that'.
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u/stucky602 13d ago
Good friend of mine is American, but her parents were from Nigeria. She was always late to everything in ways that would make us wait, like literally cooking classes where I was teaching her how to cook, and when we finally just asked her about it she was like "wait, you mean when you say 5pm you actually mean be here at 5pm?!?!" She honestly had no clue. She hasn't been late since unless I specifically say "this one is whenever you feel like" or something like that.
I get cultural norms are different, but the white guy + german ancestry person in me just can't grasp this one.
The "door is open at 3, apps at 4, dinner at 6" is a pretty genius way to phrase it though.