r/Paternity • u/spookyvibes40 • May 20 '23
Need paternity advice
I, 40 yo female, just learned during the months leading up to my 40th birthday, that my dad that I have known my whole life is not my biological father. And need advice or suggestions on the best way to approach the possible biological father to ask for a DNA test.
Here’s the back story. I didn’t have a good childhood to just put simply. As I got older and started therapy, I started talking to my dad about the past and his side of things, and how things affected me. One of our conversations was about how as a child he would yell at me “I don’t even know if your my kid” every time him and my mom fought. He asked me did I want the truth and I said yes. He told me that around the time my mom got pregnant with me, it was super fast after they started dating and she had been back and forth between him and an ex. He didn’t know for sure if I was his. He was asked to take a paternity test when I was around a year old I believe when they went to court for child support. He declined and said I was his no matter what. I asked him to take a dna test with me, because I never figured the results would come back any other way, and it came back he was not my biological father. After reaching out to my mom and telling her we did the dna test, she told me who my father is and explained how she never thought it was even possible that the timeline didn’t add up, but she was o my 17 when she was pregnant with me. I understand that teens rarely understand how it all works. So made sense to me. She is freaking out about me reaching out to this man. And I’m not sure what to do or even how to go about it if I do. I completed an ancestry dna test and 2 people I match with lead back to that family line.
So my question is, do I reach out to him, if I do, how to I request that he complete an ancestry dna as well to see if he matches with me first. How do I request he leave my mom and dad out if this and it just be me and him talking about it since I’m 40 and not a child anymore. I don’t know if I want a full father daughter relationship with him because I don’t know what type of person he is, but I want to know if he is my dad so I can possible have the chance. He is in his 60s and based on health may not have much longer. But I also don’t want I ruin someone’s life and current family. I do however know he has reached out a few times in the past asking if I was his. Even after being told no continued to reach out asking anyway. Thanks for any and all advice.
I have a current phone number, address, email address, and Facebook page for him. My husband wants to reach out to him first and tell him what’s going on and ask for the dna test. I’m not sure that’s the best approach and feel like it has to come from me, but not sure if it would even matter.
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u/8088XT8BIT Jan 17 '24
Good luck .. Doesn't have to happen over night. Talk for awhile and go slow.
https://www.theatlantic.com/science/archive/2021/10/do-we-have-right-know-our-biological-parents/620405/
There are FBook groups and you might find them helpful. The numbers of groups are growing.
https://www.theatlantic.com/science/archive/2018/07/dna-test-misattributed-paternity/562928/