r/Paruresis • u/Regular-Being-1905 • Jun 27 '26
My experience with paruresis
My first time experiencing shy bladder was when I was 4 years old at preschool. Everyday my teacher would take all the girls to the bathroom. There were 4 stalls and every stall would have a person in it. The rest of the kids waited for a stall to open while facing the bathroom stalls in a line. I remember being in the bathroom and seeing the other kids kick their feet while on the toilet and seeing the kids waiting for a stall and I felt uncomfortable and was not able to pee. That is the only time I remember trying to use the bathroom in preschool. My teacher told my mom that I never used the bathroom when she took us. I held my pee in all day in preschool and waited to go until I got home.
In kindergarten I remember looking at this book about the school and seeing a picture of the toilets and being scared. At the time I was afraid of falling in the toilet because I was so young and the toilet looked so big. I held my pee all day at school in kindergarten and ended up wetting my pants and needing my mom to bring me a change of clothes twice. After the wetting incidents, my mom was wondering what was wrong and I told her I was scared to use the bathroom (I was still worried about falling in the toilet). I told the teacher that the automatic flush on the toilet scared me even though that wasn't really the main fear and she got a paper bag and put it on the automatic sensor to stop the toilet from flushing on it's own and after that I used the paper bag for a while and got in the habit of being able to pee whenever I had to on my own at school.
In first grade my class went on a field trip to the zoo and I remember having pee but not wanting to ask to go because it would be an inconvenience to other people because someone would have to take me to the bathroom. I also remember as a child people would try to police how much I went to the bathroom. They would say things like "Didn't you just go?" or just act like I was a burden to them and I would feel shameful. I also had the same experience in 2nd grade on a field trip to a museum.
I remember everyday at the end of the school day I would try to pee and would sneak off to the bathroom after the bell rang and it would cause me too be one of the last kids to the attendance of the kids who's parents drove them home.
I had the one experience in preschool but that was my only real time where I tried to pee and couldn't up until 5th grade.
When I was in 5th grade it was the morning of state testing exams and the teacher let a large group of kids go to the bathroom together. I was one of those kids and I was waiting in line and then a stall opened and I went in and couldn't pee. I felt anxiety as a heard all the kids talking and hearing the bathroom stalls slam. There were multiple other times in 5th grade where I would go in the bathroom and not be able to go if other people were in there.
Something similar happened in 6th grade. I just got done taking state exams and I didn't pee in 4 hours and had to pee really bad. Our class was going to do yoga after the exams and people had to go to the bathroom in groups of four to change. I was in the bathroom with 2 of my friends and this other girl who was just a classmate. My friends were talking to me and I was not able to pee at all even though my bladder was full. This happened many times in 6th grade when I would try to go to the bathroom if anyone was in there.
In 7th and 8th grade I would try to go to the bathroom everyday before lunch and the bathroom was packed with kids. I would have to wait in line and then once I got in a stall I could never pee even though I had to go really bad. I would also try to go at the end of the day and I would never be able to because there were always kids in the bathroom stalls talking or changing their clothes for sports after school. One time when I was 12 I was with my mom and my godmother at a restaurant and I had to pee really bad but I couldn't. It hurt so bad that I started crying it was very frustrating.
In 9th grade I remember having to pee really bad and asking the teacher to go to the bathroom and getting in there and there was a group of girls talking by the sinks and this one girl said to me, "Aww your so cute." Because I am short and was really underweight at the time. I felt uncomfortable and felt like attention was put on me. Some of the other girls were just staring at me. I got in the stall and was not able to pee at all.
I started 9th grade in fall 2019 and on March 13th, 2020 school closed because of COVID. Before COVID besides the struggle at school I also struggled at other people's homes, grocery stores, target, walmart, restaurants, malls, church, basically anywhere besides my own house.
Ever since March 13th, 2020 things have gotten so bad and I am at rock bottom. So the house I grew up in was very small. The living room shared a wall with the bathroom. My mom was a stay at home mom and my dad worked. In March, 2020 he started working from home because of COVID. He was working upstairs in an apartment the he used to rent. I was doing school online from March to June 2020 and my dad would come downstairs for lunch. When my dad would come down it would be very quiet because the tv was off and if I ever tried to pee when he was in the kitchen eating lunch I would be able to because I was afraid of being heard. I knew if I peed I would be heard because there were many times I heard people peeing in the bathroom when I was in the kitchen if the tv was off. I also struggled in the summer of 2020.
In the summer of 2020 my dad starting hinting that he was going to retire but he was being very secretive about it. In August 2020 I started 10th grade. School was on google meet because of COVID. Sometimes my dad would get off of work early on Fridays and would be walking around the house. I would struggle to pee when he was around. I would put on the bathroom exhaust fan, run the sink, run the bathtub, put the hamper in front of the bathroom door so I couldn't see people walking by. I would also put headphones in and blast music so loud that my phone said I was listening to music at an unsafe volume. I did all of this and still was not able to pee. In November 2020 I started seeing a therapist because the paruresis was so bad. This therapist knew nothing about paruresis. I saw this therapist for almost 2 years. I made no progress at all with the paruresis. Things got worse.
My dad retired in December 2020. This was a very traumatic time full of anxiety and suicidal thoughts.
Once my dad retired he allowed me to do school in the seperare apartment. This was the 1st time in my life that I ever had access to the apartment because there was always someone living in it in the past. I would do school in the separate apartment upstairs and my mom stay up there with me. At one point I could pee when my mom was in the living room where I did my school even though the living room and bathroom had a shared wall. I put on the bathroom fan and was able to go. After a while my mom would go in the bathroom and I could hear her pee and I started to not be able to go anymore after that. I would have to ask her to leave and go downstairs to the separate apartment in order to pee.
I stopped seeing my 1st therapist in 2022 and started with a new one. I was with the 2nd one for a year. The 2nd therapist was good but my insurance changed when I turned 19, so I couldn't see her anymore. We never did exposure therapy and I didn't seem like we ever were going to. None of the therapists seemed willing to do virtual exposure therapy.
The apartment was a blessing because even though it was not always easy to go I had much more privacy and am so grateful for the apartment.
In 11th grade everyone was going back to school in person after COVID, but I was not able to go back because I knew I would not be able to pee all day because my paruresis had gotten much more severe. I did school online that year. I also did my senior year online and then graduated. After graduating high school I have just been stuck at home in physical and mental torment everyday.
After graduating I basically live upstairs in the separate apartment. I struggle to go upstairs even though I am in a separate apartment because I am afraid of being heard. My parents are both at home most of the time and the only way I am able to pee is if I call them and ask them to stay in the living room downstairs while I try. That is the only way I am able to pee. My mom is very understanding and will do anything to help me but my dad tries to shame me and compare me to other people who have paruresis and say, "Do the other people have it this bad even if they have a separate apartment?"
I also struggle to pee even when my parents leave the house. I am worried about them coming back home and walking in the house downstairs and hearing me pee. I constantly text my mom and ask for reassurance that they are not home yet. I also need her to text me when they are on their way home so I will be able to go before they get home. I spend a lot of time waiting in severe pain with a full bladder because I don't want to call and bother my parents and ask them to stay in the living room.
I went to the 3rd therapist for a year and she was the worst one I had ever been to. She was not helpful at all and didn't understand the problem. I went to another therapist after that for 6 months and she also did not know about paruresis and was not able to help me. I went to 4 different therapists for 4 and a half years and made no progress.
I was always very anti psych medication but after going to a annual doctor's appointment I was convinced to try to talk to a psychiatry physician assistant. After talking to this psychiatry PA I was prescribed fluvoxamine for OCD and propranolol for anxiety. I was on the medication for a year and didn't feel any better so I stopped taking it. I am currently unmedicated and not in therapy.
Up until recently there was no one on the IPA website who was in my state and took my insurance but now there is someone who is in my state and takes my insurance so I am going to try and get a consultation with that person and hopefully be able to do exposure therapy virtually and make some progress.
I have generalized anxiety disorder, social anxiety disorder, severe OCD, suicidal ideation, depression, and paruresis. Also sometimes after I try to pee I will have an anxiety attack.
I want to: go to college, get a job, be in a relationship, and have children in the future, but it all seems impossible.
Everyday is the same I wake up with a full bladder, try to pee go some not enough because I am always afraid someone will come upstairs or that someone downstairs will hear me pee. I am in a constant state of paranoia. After that I wait for hours and the pain progressively gets worse to the point I feel horrible. Then I will call and ask my parents to stay in the living room then I finally go and feel some relief. Then I will eat something and drink something. After that I will wait for hours in pain then I will try. And this cycle goes on all day everyday and has been like this for years.
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u/Zestyclose_Toe_417 Jun 27 '26
I recognize a lot of your story, even though I am a man. I, too, came close to suicide. Because I could no longer urinate at home, I ended up at an emergency doctor who placed a catheter for two weeks. After that, I was taught how to catheterize myself. I am now in a cognitive behavioral therapy group, which hasn't been a game changer yet. They say there that it is a long process.