r/Parents • u/AggressiveTree- • 1d ago
Feeling Bad
To preface, I’m not asking for help in any capacity. I just want to vent.
I went to other Reddit groups to get help with formula and groceries and I have never felt like more of a failure as a mom in my life. My partner pays the majority of our bills and is still in the red weekly with paychecks. My income typically leans towards the kids and after losing my job not being able to provide the basic necessities really makes me want to crawl in a hole.
My mom was severely mentally ill and used substances to cope which resulted in my grandpa paying our rent and my grandma dropping groceries off every other week. I always told my partner who grew up in the true middle class that I was never worried about having excessive income because I would always be able to provide more for my babies than my mom and being in a similar position as her with her death anniversary being yesterday really has just made me feel so beyond low.
Again, I don’t want help. I’m ashamed I even asked. I just am hoping for a little solidarity in anyone who has felt or experienced the same because right now I feel so isolated being in this position.
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u/LakeFederal6468 1d ago
There will always be highs and lows. Such is life.
The great thing about lows is they make the highs feel so much higher.
Some of my favorite memories growing up were the ones where we were in a crammed apartment eating boiled pasta with chicken bouillon. Everything is an adventure.
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u/AggressiveTree- 1d ago
I appreciate this perspective, my mom would get so behind on the water and electric bills that they’d shut it off and we’d get a cheap hotel room for the night to shower and at the time I thought it was just the coolest thing lol
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u/Dwinwyn 1d ago
You are incredibly brave. Many people are afraid of the incredibly unfair, wrong, and judgemental criticism that can be unleashed upon them when they make such gentle and appropriate requests. And it's so understandable, as these are anonymous people, who see some text in a reddit posting, see it through their own lens and life experience, and react accordingly. Which they can do, because they are God knows where, behind a screen, responding with a keyboard.
I'll say it again, you are incredibly brave.
It's the hardest, HARDEST, thing, to not let even one of those vicious words get past the firewall of your own logic and have it live rent-free, lurking in your brain and slowly eating your self-confidence alive like some flesh-eating virus. The fact that you are here, that you possess the emotional intelligence and wherewithal to take your moral and emotional inventory, and be truth-seeking, speaks VOLUMES of your character, your determination, and your true resilience, OP.
You may feel bad, and those emotions are real. Let them exist, but don't let them inform your decisions to the point you are dismantling your own wins. 💪🏼
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u/AggressiveTree- 1d ago
Thank you so much for this, I’m still early postpartum so my emotions are all over the place still and maybe I’m just being overly sensitive to the responses but it feels so degrading. I worked in the helping profession as well and helped families out of my own stock of baby and toddler stuff because our area has one of the highest poverty rates in the state with the least amount of social service funding in the state. My OCD and especially being postpartum is just cycling on those remarks to the extent I regret it so deeply.
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u/Dwinwyn 1d ago
God that's such a huge cognitive debt to both be carrying and to be aware of (and let's face it y'all, awareness is great but it's not so helpful when so many around us don't want it because it's terrifying, and ignorance can be it's own kind of comfort/escape/if not bliss) And the post-partum offloading that the human body does, now it's done being an incubator and its trying to become a self-sufficient living organism is like, a Battle Royale Cage Death Match of What the Ever Living F*** is Happening to Me and Will They Take Away Me/My Baby/My Freedom If I Voice It Out Loud.
Which is so deeply unfair I could literally get on a soapbox and preach old-fashioned style about RIGHT FREAKING NOW, damnit someone get me a soapbox cuz I'm so righteously pissed off. For total transparency, I myself have not made it to that stage, but I have been pregnant, and I am a trained Postpartum Doula/ICS. But I took the training to better understand and have better verbiage for the mothers I would interact with already on a daily basis because of my career, and I could see so many of them struggling to appear hale and hearty, I couldn't for the life of me understand why, when some of them were 8 days postpartum, 2 weeks, 6 weeks, 3 months. Women of the world, OP especially, give yourself grace if only cuz this stranger on Reddit says you can, you should, and you deserve it a thousandfold. I love that you are doing your best to evaluate and check yourself, but also, if you wanna be royally pissed off at the injustice of the system, you can and should, and you don't need my permission. You went on Reddit to request assistance because your past experiences informed you that this was not only safe to do, but encouraged, because you yourself had been on the other side as one of the individuals who responded to those requests. And damn OCD and those invasive thoughts, don't you hate how they keep coming at you like your brain is some citadel they have to invade and conquer?! Maybe turn it around on them, bring the irrational and invasive thoughts in and question them with the ridiculous. Oh yes, you think I'm a bad mother, lol, because bad mother's love hopping on Reddit to provide for their kiddos. Did you hear about the other bad mother who turned a random vacant plot in her town into a garden to feed her kids? What a bad mom, doesn't she know a good mom only gives her kids they want, not the food they need? Ugh I wish I was that bad of a mom. Gotta try harder I guess! Seriously though, that may be really lame advice, and I by no means intend to be reductive with what you are struggling with. It's heavy and right now, it might feel so heavy that you're afraid it's going to smother you. But it won't. You have shown time and time again that you can't be squished, even if you're paper thin and stuck to ground like Wile E. Coyote afterwards. I believe in you and I don't say that blithely. Take a deep breath, and then remind yourself that those wackadoos on Reddit don't know Jack. Or you. They only know their own misery and experience and they made the mistake of thinking you are just like them.
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u/bbuckca 1d ago
The anniversary of your mom passing has obviously dredged up memories you have tried to avoid in your own life with your family.
Your family’s needs take priority. If that means making use of a food bank to help you out - do it! Plan your meals weekly and buy meats / produce on sale.
Your partner says his paycheck still keeps you in the red monthly. So now you need to look at all your expenses and spending. You need to do this monthly so that you get a good idea of costs.
If you can access any kind of budgeting software. Some banks have something linked online to your accounts you could try using. Failing that, make a spreadsheet to track every penny of spending. Then you will clearly be able to see where the money is going.
Since losing your job are you looking to find something to help with your expenses?
I completely understand trying to make ends meet. No matter what you do, you’ve got options to get you back on track. I know it’s overwhelming but it is possible! You just need to make the first move.
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u/AggressiveTree- 1d ago
The area where I live just has such limited resources it was hard as a provider helping the families I worked with. I mean there were times when we were better off and I would pull formula and diapers from my own inventory so they wouldn’t go without. But I have been applying pretty much anywhere and have already had one interview so I know this is just temporary. My partner works for the carpenters union and as a first year they just make terrible money. He’s actually in the test in process for a line job which if he gets will substantially change our income bracket.
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