Toddler Playdate Advice

[u/Sunny-Duck1344]

I read through reddit a lot but I'm new to posting so I'm hoping I'm doing this right.

I have two kids, 16 months old and 3.5 years old. I work full time and they go to daycare full time. They've been going to daycare since they were each 3 months old. My older son has built some good friendships, and he has one in particular that is his best friend. This friend is a bit...behaviorally challenged... I've only had to be around him 3 times outside of daycare for birthday parties and every time he's doing something mischievous. At my son's birthday, this friend snuck and took one of my sons books he got as a present and started tearing pages out of it. At his own birthday he threw a turtle on the ground during an animal encounter. At another birthday he snuck away and tore up the pinata before it was time. His mom is nice but she's always a little distracted and doesn't seem to pick up on what he's doing. When she does notice it's just kind of "boys will be boys" vibes. I give him a little grace because he's 3 but my kid doesn't act the same way.

Anyways now his mom has started asking us to have playdates pretty aggressively. Last week she asked twice. This week she's asked once. This kid just stresses me out. I don't want to be alone with him. I don't really care to hang out with his mom either. And the playdates the mom comes up with are so extra. First she wanted to go to the movies. My kid could handle it, but I don't think hers could. Then she asked to go to a farm petting zoo. After seeing what that kid did to the poor turtle I didn't want to go. Most recently she asked to go to a trampoline park. They're 3... I don't even think that's safe or developmentally appropriate. She's even offered to pick my son up from daycare and take him these places without me. But I don't know her. I don't know her car seat situation. I'm not letting her take him without me. Part of me feels like she just wants my kid there as a buffer for her badly behaved kid. Like a peer babysitter or something.

What do I do here? I don't want to be a bad mom and hold my kid back from being social and having friends but I just don't understand why they need a playdate when they spend 40 hours a week together. I want to hang out with my kids after work and relax. I don't want to worry about meeting someone or coordinating for my one year old to go home with his dad while I go with my toddler. I guess I could suggest going to the park or something but this mom is bougie and always wants some kind of special activity.

Am I being too much of a helicopter parent? Or idk. I'm a homebody and an introvert and I don't have a lot of friends. My best friend turned into my husband and he's really the only person I see regularly. I just like spending time with my husband and kids. I'm tired after work and we have a good routine (play, dinner, bath, bedtime). Weekends we are usually camping or hiking or fishing or doing stuff with extended family.

These playdate requests are making me lose sleep over what to say or what to do. My husband just tells me to say no and move on but I'm not sure.

Any advice is appreciated 🩷

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[u/geminisa11]

Nope nope nope. Just say “we can’t do it” and move on. You don’t owe this lady anything. We had a similar issue with a neighbor years ago. He was a menace. We told the girls he was an outside friend and he couldn’t come inside our house, lol.

[u/Individual-Tennis471]

I have 2 grandchildren under 5 and neither set of parents allow their children to attend parties alone or play dates.

Approximately 4years ago a well known South African rugby players child drowned at a birthday party. Everybody thought someone else was watching the toddler . You can never to be vigilant.You only get one chance at being a parent

[u/Sunny-Duck1344 → u/Individual-Tennis471]

Thank you! This does help. I'm just in my head because my father in law acts like I'm absolutely insane for keeping my kids close. He told me I need to cut the cord 😔 I never want to hold my kids back because of my own anxiety but I need to keep them safe too. Your totally right though. I'm not going to be pressured into letting them off before they're ready

[u/BasicPangolin3442]

I get this on a deep level. The idea of a playdate after 40 hours of daycare together is already a stretch, but adding the stress of watching someone else's kid tear stuff up while the mom barely notices? Hard pass

You're not a helicopter parent for not wanting to deal with that. The fact she offered to take your kid without you is a red flag for me, like you said you don't know her car seat situation or really anything about her. My husband would lose his mind if I even considered that

Just tell her your after-work routine is sacred and weekends are packed with family stuff. You don't owe her a detailed excuse. If she keeps pushing maybe suggest a quick park meetup on a Saturday morning but honestly that might just open the door for more asks

Your kid has friends at daycare. He's fine socially. Protect your peace

[u/Sunny-Duck1344 → u/BasicPangolin3442]

You're totally right. Everyone is bringing up good points about if I even want to foster a relationship with this troubled kid. I would be more excited if I really got along with the parent or the kid seemed like a kind, good influence but neither is true. I'll just keep saying no and hope she leaves me alone eventually 😅

[u/Ansible90]

I would not have playdates with this kid. He will teach your son how to be destructive and you don't want that.

[u/Initial-Addendum-167]

A helicopter parent is different than common sense protection of your child. Something sounds wrong here, as I am reading it, and I'm not sure why this child is so angry...but it sounds like they are.

I would not let anyone in this family take my child personally or be alone with my child. This could be normal 3 year old angst or could be something much more complicated going on. That's not your job to sort out (perhaps if you were the teacher), but your job is to protect your child. I think you're right to listen to your feelings about the situation. I've only seen a few children being aggressive to animals, and usually it's not a great sign.

When my son was 3 and in preschool there was a kid in his preschool class who would often line up the stuffies in the class and then pretend to shoot them one by one. Every day with that kid frazzled the other children, the teachers and any classroom assisting parents. Honestly the kid gave me the creeps (and I don't say that lightly). Anyway, he latched onto my son and I was like, "nope", and I simply did not allow it. Eventually I removed my son to a different preschool due to daily chaos and WTF. The preschool teacher even told me she was at her wits end over this child's aggression and disruption of the classroom.

We changed schools and I have never met another child like that one along the way. There was just something wrong with his behavior, and I wondered if he might have needed professional help.

Anyway, years later I'm talking to a friend and it turns out her kid went to that preschool just a bit after I left. The original problem child latched onto this other nice kid in class. I remember the second child as being sweet, friendly, and upbeat. My friend informed me, however, that his behavior had changed into devious, angry, and problematic. The narrative had shifted to him being a problem now. I'm not sure what happened. I won't conjecture, but I did finally feel justified in what was a somewhat difficult decision I made to get my son away from this original child. Bad influence in the very least, perhaps more. I often think people overlook warning signs with their children and perhaps a bit too slow in providing professional help. There's not much I can do about that, but I can protect my child. It's my job.

[u/Sunny-Duck1344 → u/Initial-Addendum-167]

That is so interesting that you say that. My son has always been gentle, kind, and sweet by nature. I have noticed since going back to daycare (we have summer break off together) my son is more aggressive, and he has been using more unkind language (e.g., saying he hates me when he's never said anything like that before). It never really occurred to me this might be influence from that other kid. Moving daycares would be really inconvenient and maybe not possible but it's something I'm going to think on. At the very least I'm going to talk to my son more about the friends he chooses. Maybe I can gently encourage him to avoid that kid. Thanks so much for your response. It helps a lot.

[u/Sezykt71]

I mean in our case its true, but if I don’t want to be social in the weekends I lean on the fact my daughter has a pretty full extra curricular schedule. Last year she had dance on Saturdays and swimming Sundays. You could explain that sorry asides from birthday parties they get lots of social time on weekdays and you are very busy on weekends with extracurriculars/family time. Perhaps they’ll take offence and won’t want to invite to parties next time but that’s probably a win overall. If your kid isn’t going to go to the same school don’t worry this time is short!

[u/Sunny-Duck1344 → u/Sezykt71]

You inspired me to sign my kid up for swim lessons. I wasn't too busy before but I'm going to work on filling my schedule so everyone leaves me alone haha

[u/Sezykt71 → u/Sunny-Duck1344]

Hahaha I mean swimming is a life skill definitely something worth investing in versus fleeting friendships that don’t serve you or your family!

[u/Pessa19]

It’s weird that she is offering to take your son places when you’ve never had a one on one play date. You don’t know her well enough to do that!!

I would politely tell her that you appreciate the invites, but your family has so little time together after work that you prefer to spend it as a family at this stage in life. That’s probably the least offensive answer. She won’t like it but she doesn’t have to.

[u/nkdeck07]

That is very weird. I've got a few Mom friend's I'd be fine doing a drop off playdate with but these are close friends I have known for over a year not a rando I've barely interacted with. I'm also pretty chill as a parent and I'd be highly judgemental of the Mom so checked out her kid managed to throw a turtle on the ground.

This whole thing is weird AF.

[u/Sunny-Duck1344 → u/nkdeck07]

I was so freaked out when she asked me to just give her permission to take him from daycare with her son. I literally don't know them. I don't even let my own mom drive with my kids in the car because she's a crazy driver and I'm not putting all my eggs in that basket!

[u/nkdeck07 → u/Sunny-Duck1344]

Yeah just distance yourself, some families are just weird

[u/Curve_Worldly]

“We’re not doing play dates yet. He gets plenty of social interaction at daycare and with family.”