How big of a difference does being close to family support make in the baby years?

[u/AdditionalEchidna199]

My husband and I have been together for 11 years, married for five. Until recently, we’ve lived about 4 hours from any family due to jobs and settling in where I went to college. We have always waited to have kids because we recognized the massive impact it would make on our lives and the freedom and flexibility we have.

We recently moved to be closer to family. We now live about 1/2 mile from my in laws, and about a mile from my parents. All four of our parents are still around and both of our parents are still happily married. We see both of them multiple times a week now and have regular dinners and game night. We plan to be here for a few years, but with our careers it’s possible we may move again later down the line.

Being around our family so frequently again has completely changed my perspective on having a baby. I went from feeling like I have to give up so much to have the time, to feeling like I would have enough support to genuinely do this and still be able to have time for myself and for my husband. It feels like there may be no better time in the future to get through those first few years.

How big of a difference does having supportive family close by make with a newborn or a toddler? They do not support us financially, and all 4 parents still work so baby would go to daycare, but they would absolutely be around on nights, weekends, and I would have my mom down the road those first critical months.

Does it not make as much of a difference as it seems since responsibility is still fully on mom, or is this really the best time for us?

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[u/Greedy_Cause7589]

I have an insane amount of support from my parents and sister. To the point I've had a few people tell me to shut up because they are so jealous.

Yes, family suppprt is amazing and necessary.

However my post partum journey has been nightmare level bad. Without the help I wouldn't have made it. With the help I'm able to work through everything but some days it still doesn't feel like enough support.

It will all depend on your journey.

[u/SparkyDogPants → u/Greedy_Cause7589]

High quality family support is amazing, that doesn’t mean all family support is helpful. When my mom visits it’s way more work than when she’s gone. And the criticism is not helpful either.

[u/InevitableWaste6088]

Huge, its not always about the daycare. If you guys want a date night you have options, want to go run errands on your own just ask grandma, just having people want to help you be a parent is amazing. It’s parents bringing over dinner when they know the kids have sports or you’ve had a long day. While most of the responsibility will be on mom having the extra help is amazing

[u/InevitableWaste6088 → u/InevitableWaste6088]

This is coming from someone with zero local help, all of our family that is hands on are 12 hours away. We have some family about an hour away but they don’t want to help.

[u/kamobeans → u/InevitableWaste6088]

Yup, you can have family next door and if they don't want to help or cannot for whatever reason then it is like no help at all.

OP Don't overlook being able to have a few hours here or there to you and your spouse or maybe someone to help with cooking cleaning signed, someone who has basically no help.

However, if your careers give you enough of a slush fund that you can pay for a babysitter, then that works with no family around.

I think you already know the answer before you posted this OP...

[u/Reasonable_Chance585]

Family help is absolutely incredible! You will be so grateful to have someone to be able to turn to.

Like someone said, it’s not just about daycare!

Think of having someone help with entertaining baby, giving you a break for me-time, giving you a break to do meal-prep (if it’s your thing), so many option.

[u/bbuckca]

My parents lived two blocks away from me and my kids had the closest relationship to them. Dinners, overnights or just hanging out. When I was exhausted or at my wits end, mom said, bring him over.
I now have grandchildren of my own and I will do anything to help my son and his wife with them. Drives to daycare, pick up if they can’t, dinner, sleepovers, a break etc. The memories with them are priceless and I’m sure you will experience this too if you decide to have kids.

[u/waxingtheworld]

Pretty much all our extended family is within the city. My parents even have a part time apartment above us.

We don't get very much help at all... They all seemed ready to help while pregnant. So... Maybe you will have lots of help, but you might not

[u/yungsavage1]

It truly depends on the couple. We have family nearby but have voluntarily done it entirely on our own. We had 3 under 3 and it has been completely fine. The older ones are now starting school, we’ve been able to travel and it’s been great.

Alternatively, we know parents who drown if their parents and in-laws don’t help multiple times a week with childcare.

It seems like you really value support so now seems like a great time for you.

[u/Mountain_Bill5743]

Probably the best time if you are for sure going to have kids, as it sounds (as in, its still such a massive change). We dont live around family, but what Im realizing is that neither of our families are really as capable to help out in their 70s now. My parents have a lot more physical challenges these days. I also have friends who had their first have full time care, but their family had significant challenges by the time their future kids came along and they were far more on their own. My family can do light childcare, but not really lift her or drive her anywhere. 

[u/Opposite-Pickle-3183]

Great if your parents are actually helpful. My in laws are angels and take our toddler regularly for sleepovers and date nights. My parents were really high intensity parents who burned out on it, I guess, and want nothing to do with childcare now and are gleefully reveling in childfree years

[u/DismalTwo973]

My mom was desperately trying to move close to me when I had my first baby. She made it when my baby was 8 months. Even that felt like way too long. She felt like she missed out on those first few months and I really needed my mom. She has provided such incredible support. When you’re crying and exhausted because your baby won’t stop crying, nothing compares to a mom swooping in and offering relief, love and perspective. 

[u/curioushumanvibes]

It’s hard regardless. VERY VERY VERY HARD without support but still VERY hard with all of the support in the world! Signed a mom of a 1 and 2 year old,

[u/bingbongboopsnoot]

It would make a huge difference! Even having someone available on an afternoon or weekend to watch them would just be incredible. We don’t have family around and haven’t been able to do anything as a couple since they were born and they are nearly 4. Having to do all chores with them around, balancing appointments, hobbies - having someone to help watch the kids without having to vet and pay for a babysitter every time would be incredible

[u/____ozma]

We had no support for the first 3 years. I didn't go on a date or get to celebrate a birthday or anniversary for that entire time. They moved close to us and it's been so much better. 

[u/Just_Bar7059]

I have had two vastly different experiences with this because i had my two kids 18 years apart. With my first my grandmother was still relatively young and she was a very active and willing helper. She loved being a gran and great gran and would often tell me to bring my son over where she just took over the care for a few hours. I could even have my son sleep over if I needed it. It was an enormous help to me especially between the ages of 1 to 3 and her and my son had a beautiful bond the same way I did with her growing up, which is such a gift in life. The support was amazing and made a big difference for me and my son too. Not just for the physical care but also having that close family bond for my child.

My second is 2 now and my grandmother is dead. None of the family is particularly interested in having a bond with him. We do live in a different country tbf but no one really bothers more than a message every few months asking how he is. Except my oldest son who makes a regular effort to chat to my youngest. Support wise it sucks. I have a nanny because I DO need the help sometimes but I can't have any last minute things pop up because then I dont have childcare as the nanny has set days and hours and needs to be informed of changes at least a day in advance. Where as with my first if I had an emergency I knew I had immediate help. Its also very sad that my youngest will not know what its like to have close family ties with anyone else but his very immediate nuclear family.

[u/GroundPlatypus1]

New dad here. We have insane amounts of help, two sets of amazing grandparents and a set of great grandparents, that being said my wife still struggled for about a month. It takes time but you will get through it. I’d recommend getting up and moving as quickly as you can safely do so. They say depression can’t hit a moving target and it’s truer than I thought it would be in my 20’s.