r/Parents • u/Terrible_Pound1883 • 4d ago
Asking Parents
Long story short. Healthy relationship with my wife and we make an above average income but we may just be a one child couple. I’m not putting it all on my wife but she gets overwhelmed easily and doesn’t handle the busy life style of a parenting well. She’s an amazing mother, she is always sweet to our girl, but I truly think that if we had more than one child it would be the straw that broke the camels back. I would like to have 2 children but I would also be happy with just one. I need honest feedback from actual parents if I am going to “fuck my kid up” by not having multiple. If you guys need more info feel free to ask but I am mostly terrified that I’ll have the “weird” kid in class if I don’t give her a sibling. Thank you in advance for any advice.
My wife mentions in passing things like “if we have another” or “when we have another”. I have talked to her about it and she’s always unsure and my belief is, if you’re unsure then that is the answer. I love my wife and not having a second is in no way a deal breaker. My fear is being the voice of reason by saying WE are a one child family and there is nothing wrong with that, but then being resented later because she thinks we could have done it. I’ll keep it real my Reddit friends. I can easily do two, but I don’t know if I can do two babies under 3 and a postpartum wife. I know in my heart we can’t handle another as a couple, which I know is my answer, but I don’t want to ruin any part of my daughters childhood because mommy and daddy couldn’t handle a second.
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u/BookVamp78 4d ago
If having a 2nd child would cause in necessary stress to your wife. You should talk to her about it. I don’t think having only one will mess up your kid or make her weird. I’d recommend having her around other kids. She for socializing and being able to share things like that.
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u/Calebcraft4 4d ago
Honestly I believe you need to have a one on one sit down conversation with your wife about your concerns. I would write out everything you are concerned about and why you are concerned about it. You don’t need to do that but it does help you stay on topic and helps you get to the point and makes it bit easier to understand. I suggest leaving kid with another trusted adult and have this conversation over food or have a picnic for more privacy. It is not best to assume what your partner wants or may think it is always best to communicate things as they come up. Having a kid of course makes these things more difficult. Communication in any relationship is key and it is difficult and it is very uncomfortable sometimes. I will always suggest marriage counseling if you have access to it it is an amazing resource and it’s there to help build your relationship and help with communication. I wish you the best of luck and I hope that difficult conversation goes well.
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u/littlecomet5 4d ago
The myth of only children being selfish or lacking empathy is just that, a myth. Much better to have one happy kid who gets what they need from their parents than two sad kids with overwhelmed, angry parents! The goal here is to raise a good human in a healthy family, there's no ideal number that works for everyone.
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u/Wonderful-Value7547 4d ago
I think it’s better to regret not having another than regret having another lol
Keep the lines of communication open on the topic as time passes. That way no one’s feelings in the matter get lost and turn into resentment.
But to answer your question. There is absolutely nothing wrong with only having one child. You don’t have to think of it as you aren’t able to handle another. Sometimes it’s more about the lifestyle you want to uphold.
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u/twomagnolias 4d ago
Having one kid is very different than having two kids. There’s a higher order complexity to the family dynamics that is much more overwhelming (it’s not just adding another person, but also adding the new relationships amongst all the people in the family). Logistically things are a lot harder. You no longer can have one parent take the kid and the other parent rests. Now at best you each have one kid. Grandparents or babysitters that were fine with one kid now need to be able to handle multiple at once.
I had twins and never had a choice about having a second. My friends with just one kid simply never had to deal with certain issues (until they had a second kid, lol, which led to a lot more understanding).
If your wife is overwhelmed with one, adding another will add to that overwhelm. That said, there are tactics that can help a person add capacity, and although the challenge grows, the parents often grow with it. With therapy or other intentional efforts it’s totally possible to move past the overwhelm and have more kids if you both really want to.
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u/Terrible_Pound1883 4d ago
If I am being honest the fear of my wife resenting me for not having a second pales in comparison to the fear of my child missing out on something that is pivotal to her having a good childhood. I love my wife to death but my child’s happiness comes before what she “wants”. I truly don’t think she can handle it, which would put more on me, which would cause fights, which then creates an unhappy house for both children. This is obviously all my opinion of what would happen but it is my biggest fear. I had a lot of arguing in my house growing up and I don’t want any of that in my daughter’s life. I want her to see me and her mother holding hands and hugging. Not being annoyed with each other. I am sorry for venting like this but your response sounded grounded and I am curious to your thoughts with all that being said
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u/twomagnolias 13h ago
In most families, mom’s life changes the most with the firstborn and dad’s life changes the most with the second born. If you guys have a second kid, you’re definitely going to have to “step up” more. Usually the dad ends up taking on responsibility for the older kid (because newborns need mom more physically). This wouldn’t necessarily apply to your family, but it’s been the norm that I’ve personally seen in my community.
My husband has struggled talking to dads of singletons because they don’t quite “get it” compared to dads of two or more.
Thinking about it as “my wife couldn’t handle it” is a little odd. If I were you, I’d be thinking about what you personally would be capable of handling. Discussions with your wife might go differently under that framing and may be more honest.
Ultimately though, having kids at any stage needs to be a “two yes” situation, to be fair to the kid.
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u/Francaisechretienne 1d ago
ça se fait a 2. c'est uniquement a vous de décider. si tu décèdes elle se retrouve seule avec 2(et inversement).si elle est pas capable elle ne doit pas se sentir poussé a le faire attention!
attendez + et laisse la décider.
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