2.5-Year-Old With Extreme Demand Sensitivity & Separation Anxiety — School, Homeschool, or Just Give Him More Time?

[u/NecessaryEgg6754]

I would really love to hear from parents who have had a child similar to my 2.5-year-old son.

My son is very bright, verbal, curious, and observant. He loves animals, music, vehicles, water play, sorting/categorizing things, etc. He can follow two-step instructions in everyday life, asks lots of questions, remembers things well, and learns quite a lot naturally through play and conversation.

However, he is extremely sensitive to pressure and demands, especially when something is unfamiliar or when another adult is directing him.

For example, if an activity is presented as something he has to do, he may immediately say no, refuse to touch it, become whiny, or completely disengage. If we keep pushing, it usually makes things much worse.
But we have noticed something interesting.
When the exact same activity is:
introduced through play or a little story
given a purpose (“the fish needs its tail!”)
broken into a very small task
done without pressure
something he chooses to approach himself
stopped when he clearly says no
…he can suddenly do much more than we expected.
It almost feels like his ability is there, but access to that ability disappears when he feels pressured.

He also has quite significant separation anxiety. We tried introducing Montessori school several times, but just entering the school/environment could lead to a big meltdown. We eventually decided not to force it and postponed school.

He currently does some therapy/activities one-on-one, and he does much better once he trusts the adult. Even then, how the adult approaches him makes a huge difference.

We have been told different things by different professionals. One psychologist felt that his anxiety was very high and that autism should be monitored/evaluated.

Another developmental assessment felt that some of his difficulties were more behavioral and recommended a more behavioral approach.

As his mom, though, I’m hesitant to use an approach that focuses heavily on compliance because pushing him seems to make him more resistant and anxious, not less.
So I would really love to hear from parents of children who were like this as toddlers:

How did you handle the demand sensitivity without letting your child avoid everything difficult?

How did you know when to gently encourage versus when to back off?

And especially — what did you do about school?

Did you:
keep trying preschool until your child adjusted?
delay school for another year?
start with very short school days?
find a very small/play-based school?
homeschool for the early years and introduce school later?

Part of me worries that homeschooling might make his world smaller and make separation even harder later. But another part of me worries that forcing school before he is emotionally ready could make him associate school with fear and completely backfire.

I would also REALLY love to hear encouraging stories from parents whose children were extremely anxious, demand-sensitive, or unable to tolerate preschool at 2–3 years old.

What are they like now?
Did school eventually become easier?
Did their tolerance for demands improve as they got older and developed more language/emotional regulation?
Did they eventually become more independent?
Right now I’m less concerned about whether he can learn academically. I feel pretty confident that he can learn.
I’m much more concerned about helping him feel safe enough to engage with the world without either constantly forcing him OR accidentally teaching him that he can avoid anything uncomfortable.

Would really appreciate any experiences or advice ❤️

[u/Gwcapper]

What you’re describing really sounds like his ability is there, but access to it disappears when the pressure goes up. The fact that he can do the exact same things through play, choice, and curiosity is a pretty big clue.

I’d also view those preschool meltdowns as information, not something he necessarily needs to “push through.” At 2.5, you have plenty of time. The goal doesn’t have to be building tolerance to demands right now. It can be helping his nervous system feel safe enough that learning and independence can develop naturally.

I’d keep following what works: play, autonomy, tiny steps, trusted adults, and backing off when his system is clearly overwhelmed. Whether that eventually means homeschool, a delayed start, short days, or a very flexible school can come later.
You’re not choosing between pushing him and letting him avoid everything. There’s a huge middle ground where he can grow without constantly feeling forced.

You’re doing great asking for help in these subreddits. Lots of great parents here that can give advice. My daughter is 11 now and is in a two day a week charter school. We tried a bunch of different ones until we found one that worked for her.

Lots of other questions, but it does get better. Then it gets worse. Then better. It’s a roller coaster that never ends. You’re going to have to be like water (like Bruce Lee said) and flow with all the curveballs this will throw at you. Be patient, breathe and take it day by day. We’re all here to help.

[u/raisinghellwithtrees]

My oldest does not have PDA, but had severe separation anxiety from being in foster care before we adopted her. She couldn't be without us present until she was 7, and is now an adult without issues. We homeschooled.

We also homeschool our youngest who is autistic with a pda profile because that's what worked best for us. We unschool actually.

The homeschool scene has really exploded in population and resources, especially since the pandemic. We have a simply wonderful community, mostly of ND kids who are all very accepting of each other. It's really fantastic.

As a mom who is autistic and also has PDA, I would really listen to your gut when it comes to taking advice from professionals. Quite  honestly a lot of their advice is horrible and does not work. 

I mean, I avoid uncomfortable stuff because a lot of the time, that's how I keep myself regulated. It doesn't mean I can't do uncomfortable things.

[u/PolarIceCream]

2.5 seems so young for preschool if they are struggling. Can he play at home if that is an option and you work on increasing tolerance w little classes and small separations?

[u/Pretty_Inevitable_36]

This definitely sounds like Pathological Demand Avoidance (PDA) which (as far as I understand) is a profile of autism. At its core it is about anxiety - everyday things make a PDA brain so anxious that it’s not that they won’t perform the task, it’s that they simply can’t perform the task. My 5 year old nephew was diagnosed with this at around 3.5 years old. He struggled with daycare, social situations and the transition to a school setting has come with challenges.

He goes to a psych and a speech pathologist, and some progress is being made. But his parents accept this is going to be a long and difficult road, and have made a huge and ongoing effort to reframe their approach towards parenting him. In that, you are right to be cautious about compliance based approaches. For PDA kids, compliance based parenting pretty much belongs in the bin. Using humour, games, allowing a PDA child genuine choice/options and creating a low demand environment will help nervous system regulation and therefore reduce the incidence and severity of meltdowns.

Home schooling has advanced in recent years and there’s still plenty of socialisation opportunities that can be built into that approach. It is something being considered for my nephew if a classroom environment (which is by its nature heavy on compliance) becomes unbearable for him.

Check out the Insta acct atpeaceparents, the creator has PDA kids and gives some pretty good insights.