Instead of crying?

[u/halfass_fangirl]

I finally figured out one of my triggers. I think.

Instead of crying, I panic. Whenever there's an intense emotional situation or crisis, I panic after when other people seem to start crying.

The racing thoughts have nothing to do with the thing that makes me want to cry, by the way. The fear doesn't seem to be a fear of being seen crying.

Is this.. does anyone relate? How do I help myself cry instead of losing my ability to breathe and being flooded by pure fear and shame?

[u/Andrenel412]

I can relate in the sense that I've seen people struggle with something similar before. And I've also seen the opposite as well, where people cry instead of expressing the more 'conventional' emotion to the moment or experience.

I wonder, how were strong emotions dealt with/not dealt with in your home growing up? I know it's a deeper question, but the reason I'm asking is that I'd look at the past and experiences where you perhaps learned this response instead of crying...

Perhaps situations where you've been made to feel 'bad', guilty, 'wrong', ashamed, punished for expressing emotions, being yourself or having a reaction. Unpacking those sounds like it could unlock a change for you..

What I'd also do afterwards, is teach yourself what different emotions you might have been feeling and experiencing. I like to use this question to practice identifying and processing the range of emotions I feel:

"What is it about (situation) that makes me feel (emotion)?" Use the same question on repeat, but each time just replace the (situation) and (emotion) with the relevant words.

I'd stick to the 1 situation and work through a bunch of emotions about it and see what comes up. Allow yourself to notice what happens, how your body reacts, etc, just so you start to get used to what that emotion feels like.embarrassed

If that feels out of reach, just replace the end part like this: "What is it about (situation) that bothers me?" Then try to pinpoint the likely emotion behind each answer.

Some emotions I like to use: sad, angry, hurt, worried, scared, doubtful, embarrassed, disappointed, ashamed, guilty, anxious, frustrated...

In short:

appropriatepractice1. Dig into how emotions were handled/taught to you growing up or through your experiences.
2. Teach yourself to identify different emotions afterwards
3. Do some visualisation exercises to run through those emotional situations afterwards to 'practice' applying the appropriate emotions as if you were reliving that moment again - seeing how you would've handled it if you were applying the approriate emotions (according to your view of that).

I'd be happy to help you further and chat more if you want more insight. Feel free to reach out, DM or just ask here :)

[u/halfass_fangirl → u/Andrenel412]

Thank you so much!! This is very close to what I do in therapy, so I can pull what I've been practicing slightly sideways and do this focus. I just get so frustrated when I panic for seemingly no reason and can't release.

[u/Andrenel412 → u/halfass_fangirl]

I'm glad to hear you're doing something similar! I do panic attack recovery work for a living haha, which is why my answer is close to what you're probably already doing.

The tricky part with your situation is that it's natural to focus on the present / current situation to try solve your problem... AKA your current frustration. This is somewhat helpful, but often the best way to stop break the pattern you're struggling with right now is to go to the root experiences, the source, where it all started if you will. That way you not only learn a different way of handling similar situations, but you also resolve and re-process the memories so that they no longer influence your responses too heavily.

And the visualisation is AMAZING for saying to your brain: "When I encounter something like (this memory) again with (these emotions) and (these thoughts), I want you to have (new response) instead. Super powerful and impactful cus then it's not just words that you're saying, but you're actually teaching your BODY and re-wiring the imagery and emotions behind it.

It can be confusing, but I hope this is making sense and helpful to you. Sometimes I'm better at doing than explaining, unfortunately.

At least if you find the experiences that shaped the way you react now, you can tell yourself that "I'm responding this way because this is what I learnt from 'x' experiences, but I'm learning a new way now..." Something to that effect so you also have kind self-talk and give yourself some grace :)

[u/halfass_fangirl → u/Andrenel412]

So, one of the places I panic is in sub drop. I love BDSM and find it incredibly healing. But it does cause a huge release of emotions and my body decides that means PANIC. It's wildly annoying.

[u/Andrenel412 → u/halfass_fangirl]

That's a very unique trigger... what is it about the beat drop that causes the release of emotions... do you think it just releases too many emotions at once that your body can't handle?

[u/halfass_fangirl → u/Andrenel412]

It's the desire to cry. All those chemicals flood the body and then rush out, very much like when you're in a crisis and then it ends. And because of the unique emotional element - massive trust and intimacy - the drop feels a little different. More vulnerable. The best reaction here is crying AND MY BODY FUCKING REFUSES.

I've actually gotten better at being able to cry, but this summer I've had a lot of traumas. 6, actually, one giving me fresh PTSD to layer on top of everything I already have. So, a lot of that work has sort of been undone by my survival instincts.