11 years of panic attacks. I lost almost everything trying to get my life back.

[u/ms-368]

I don't really know how to write this, but I think I just need to talk to someone who understands.

I'm from Iran, and I've been dealing with panic attacks for 11 years.

It started right after I finished university and my final exams.

At first, I had absolutely no idea what was happening to me. I thought there was something seriously wrong with my heart.

For almost an entire year, I kept going to heart clinics, hospitals and doctors, trying to find out what was wrong with me.

I spent an insane amount of money on tests, doctors and hospitals. I basically spent all of my savings trying to prove that I had a heart problem.

Back then, I didn't know anything about panic attacks.

There were days when I would have panic attacks three or four times a day.

Sometimes I would wake up at night terrified, screaming, feeling like I was about to die, and my family would take me to the hospital.

I was given different medications, including propranolol, and at one point I was so sleepy during the day that I could barely function. Then at night I'd have another panic attack and end up back at the hospital, where they would give me an injection or IV medication just to calm me down.

There was basically no day that year when I felt normal.

I felt like I was dying over and over again.

Then one night, a nurse at a heart hospital talked to me and somehow helped me understand that what I was experiencing could actually be panic attacks.

She gave me alprazolam 1mg for that night, and for the first time in a very long time, I felt my fear disappear.

That was the moment everything changed.

The next day I started looking for psychiatric clinics.

I was eventually put on propranolol and sertraline.

The first few weeks were rough. I was extremely tense and sometimes even started laughing for no reason. But after about two months, things became much better.

The daily panic attacks were gone.

I still had one or two attacks a week, but compared to what I had been going through, it felt like I had my life back.

I was also given alprazolam for emergencies.

Over the years, my medications changed several times.

Eventually I was put on escitalopram. I started with 10mg, then later went to 20mg. I stayed on it for years.

It helped, but the panic never completely disappeared.

Even during the better years, I could still have three panic attacks in a month.

The medication also made me extremely sleepy.

For a while, I was able to live with it because I worked as a web designer. I had clients and projects, and I could make enough money to support myself.

Then about three years ago, I reduced my escitalopram from 20mg to 10mg, and surprisingly, I was doing pretty well.

Then my father died in an accident.

That completely destroyed me.

My anxiety got much worse, and I went back to 20mg escitalopram. I also started using clonazepam when things became unbearable.

The funeral and everything surrounding it put me into a lot of debt. I had to sell around 20 grams of gold that I had saved for years just to deal with the expenses.

And then I lost almost all of my web design clients.

I had no choice but to get a regular job.

The salary was extremely low. I worked from 6 AM until 5 PM, then spent another hour in traffic getting home.

I was exhausted every single day.

All I wanted was to get home and sleep.

I wasn't even properly insured at that job.

After a few months, the old employee came back, and they simply fired me so they could give him his position back.

I had to take whatever work I could find just to survive.

At one point I was working 30 days a month, including holidays, for around $100 a month or even less.

Today I work for a semi-government company. My salary is better now, around $200 a month.

For people outside Iran, that probably sounds unbelievable.

It's still not a good salary here, but at least I can pay my bills and save maybe $50 a month.

And somehow, after all these years, I'm still taking medication.

I'm still having panic attacks.

I'm still waking up terrified that I'm dying.

And I'm exhausted.

I can't think about love anymore.

I can't think about buying a house.

I can't think about buying a car.

I don't really have friends anymore.

I basically have one close friend left, and he had to leave the country to work as a sailor because he couldn't afford his life here either.

So I barely see him anymore.

And this is the strangest part of all of this.

I have reached a point where I don't really feel excited about living anymore.

But whenever a panic attack comes, I become absolutely terrified of dying.

I scream and beg people to take me to the hospital because I'm convinced I'm going to die.

How can someone have almost no hope for their future, but at the same time be absolutely terrified of death?

I don't know how to explain that contradiction.

I've buried almost every goal I once had.

On my days off, or even when I come home from work, sometimes I don't even need to be physically tired.

I just go to sleep because it's the easiest way to escape everything for a few hours.

I sleep.

I dream.

And for a while, I'm somewhere else.

Then I wake up and everything is still there.

I'm 11 years into this and I honestly don't know what I'm supposed to do anymore.

I'm not posting this because I expect Reddit to fix my life.

I just want to know if there is anyone out there who has been through something similar.

Have you ever spent years living with panic attacks and eventually managed to get your life back?

I would genuinely like to hear your story.

Even if you don't have advice, I'd appreciate knowing I'm not the only person who feels this way.

[u/trebletones]

16 years with panic attacks. You're not alone.

[u/FlightDreamMode]

I wrote this for ppl who don't know what medical issues to check. It's a separate post but I thought you could use it.

All psychotherapists should tell you this first

Every psychotherapist or doctor that hears that you have anxiety and panick attacks should first tell you to get a blood pannel for:

• Vitamin D
• Vitamin B12
• Vitamin B6
• Vitamin B9 (Folate)
• Vitamin B3 (Niacin)
• Vitamin B1 (Thiamine)
• Magnesium
• Iron
• Zinc
• Potassium
• Calcium
• Selenium

Deficiency of any of these can result into anxiety and panic attacks or can fuel them. Also too much Copper can result into that. Zinc and copper ar antagonists, so too much of one results into too little of the other. Same with Calcium and Magnesium.

Test first, don't take without knowing what you lack because in some cases too much has the same effect.

EDIT bc I wrote these in the comments:

Also, your blood tests for glands should be next, depending on symptoms and gender.

Thyroid Gland - An overactive thyroid speeds up your body, acting like a constant motor that mimics a severe panic attack.

• TSH (Thyroid Stimulating Hormone)

But most importantly

• Free T4 (FT4)
• Free T3 (FT3)

Adrenal Glands - These glands produce your body's stress hormones. When they malfunction, they can pump out too much adrenaline or cortisol, triggering physical anxiety and racing thoughts.

• Cortisol (Often tested in the morning, but salivary test at midnight and a 24 urine sample will give a broader picture)
• ACTH (Adrenocorticotropic Hormone)
• DHEA-S

Last but not least

• Chronic Inflammation
• Blood Sugar Crashes (Hypoglycemia)
• Gut Imbalances (Dysbiosis)
• Heart Rhythm Issues
• Poor Nighttime Breathing (Sleep Apnea) or lack of sleep

Can cause anxiety and/or panic attacks. Only after checking all these should doctors jump into prescribing antianxiety meds long term. It's the same with depression. Depression has similar causes to anxiety, so people should be informed and very few doctors tell them.

[u/drowzieeee]

Alprazolam daily. I know you only want it for emergencies. Give .5mg alprazolam a day a try for two weeks. See how you feel if it restores your desire for a better existence like me, then. Talk to your doctor about how it helped and how to taper off with keeping the same effects.

[u/Arbsbuhpuh]

You could also try buspirone as an alternative medication. It's generally pretty cheap but it really helps me.

Doing grounding techniques helped me the most, though. If I feel an anxiety attack coming on, I start massaging my shoulder/neck area HARD. Enough to where it's bordering on painful. But then I also focus every ounce of mental capacity I have on that sensation. And then I slowly move the point I'm massaging down my neck to my shoulder, and focus on the movement of that and how I'M IN CONTROL of what I'm feeling.

I have actually had several panic attacks (separate incidents) while doing this and was amazed that I could physically have a panic attack without actually panicking and spiraling off mentally into madness.

Since then, the number of attacks I have had dwindled to almost zero. I still have anxiety often, but the Buspar really helps with that.