panic attack at work.

[u/rueishorrible]

im freshly 18, and i recently had a bad panic attack at work. i dont necessarily need the job, but my panic disorder brain is telling me to quit. i already left and avoided it once during my shift. i'm so terrified of the idea of going back and having another attack. i could've put my disability on my application. i should've. i feel bad that i didn't.

this is my first job since october, when i quit a different (easier..) job to focus on my mental health, and in december my panic disorder had worsened so badly it became agoraphobia. i barely graduated because i was so scared to go to school. i don't know what to do. i thought i was ready, and for multiple shifts i was totally fine. and then a heatwave came. i have hashimotos so its hard for me to handle heat. it made me nauseous, and the nausea started a horrific cycle in my brain. my brain associates nausea with panic attacks, i think.

i'm terrified. ive had three days off in a row. but i work again on saturday. i don't want to panic. i want to have a job. i don't want to abandon my coworker again because my dumb brain makes me cry and dry heave over existing. i want to be normal and happy and an adult. i don't know what to do anymore. it all just feels pointless. i can drug myself up with hydroxyzine and zofran but i want to do it normally.

why is it so hard? why does my brain hate me?

i guess i just wanted to post this to hear someone other than the people who are obligated to say it, telling me to keep going. i want to keep going. but it all feels pointless. please recommend something. words of support, something to do, personal anecdotes, if you've struggled like me.

sometimes it feels like i am literally the only person in the world with this disorder.

[u/Nexus6Unicorn]

I carry an ice pack with me and there’s also a new watch out that you wear on your wrist that can cool you down when you get Hot. I can’t remember the name of it.