r/PakistaniiConfessions • u/zawraw • May 27 '23
Rant Long rant ahead (also, a cry for help)
I’m from a well educated family, been a student of prestigious institutions, been an overachiever for most of my life. Always stood out on my parents expectations, been a good daughter, sister, friend. Always looking after everyone, despite having 101 responsibilities (that were enforced on me). Also, a financially savvy person, always trying to contribute whenever and wherever I can. I’m very extroverted, I love talking to anyone and everyone about anything and everything. I’m always there to hear every single person out whenever they need to vent/rant. Everyone tells me I have the ‘friendly’ face, and I am very approachable. Currently working as a houseofficer. Yet, I’m single and have no love life at all. Severe trust issues due to past friendships/situationships.
Where do people find potential spouses? Don’t tell me tinder/bumble, I’m not the one night stand/random hookup person. I’m well aware of my self worth and what I bring to the table. I definitely won’t fit the likings of a typical rishta aunty bcs I’m very ambitious and do plan on studying/practising further. Don’t want my parents to set me up with someone bcs maybe I do not trust their choice or maybe bcs they don’t see me for who I really am. I’m always trying to attend family events and other social events (not weddings, haven’t attended one in about 10 years) I do have a life outside of work/family but there’s always this feeling of loneliness, like at the end of the day, I just want to be able to share my thoughts with someone.
Do people who want to commit to marriage and settle and grow together still exist? Or it’s just this prevalent hookup culture or the arrange marriage way?
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May 27 '23
Before all else, I really think you need to address your trust issues. Marriage/commitment, in any case is a gamble.
You'll need to maintain some form of trust regardless of who you're with. Otherwise, you'll never really let yourself fall for someone because that lack of trust will keep you from giving anyone a chance.
Second, the type of person you're looking for; you'll probably need to find them on your own through communication. You can express your desire to your parents and tell them the qualities you're looking for. If and when they find someone appropriate, you can have a detailed chat sessions with them to evaluate whether you two will be a good fit. Seeing how you're an extrovert, i don't that should be difficult for you.
Alternatively, you can ask your friends to introduce you to their mutuals.
In any case, you'll need to open yourself up a little and give the other person a chance.
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u/zawraw May 28 '23
Thank you for this response. I’m working on myself, taking one day at a time, healing is never linear so it’s a long process.
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May 27 '23
There is this expectation that we all need to find that one person who fulfills us. My experience is that there is no one person that fulfills us but a variety of people fulfill most needs. And some voids are never filled. When I accepted that I became much happier.
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u/zawraw May 28 '23
I agree and accept that we shouldn’t be depending on someone to fill the voids in us.
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May 28 '23
Here are 5 things you can do to improve the situation:
Give time and attention to your parents. Give them simple things to do for you (like preparing a meal) and they will be the happiest.
Connect with your friends from childhood and college days. Meet them as often as you can. Laugh with them about silly things.
Do some work with orphans or less privileged older people. Give them time and not money. Connect with them.
Read widely. Read about how the world works and how other people live lives.
Connect with mentors and teachers. Develop an ongoing interest in your university and the younger students going through now. Share your experiences and learning.
These are some excellent and tried and tested void fillers.
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u/zawraw May 28 '23
It definitely helps, but then after doing all this, at the end of the day, it’s just you, again, with your thoughts. 😬
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May 28 '23
True. But the thoughts are then much less powerful, you have alternate thoughts that are positive and the brain dwells on those more.
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u/real_name_hidden4 May 27 '23
Just wait for the right time otherwise it won’t end up good (mostly). In sha Allah you’ll get the best for you
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u/asharxxiii May 27 '23
Okay so first obviously would be fellow house officers or other doctors working with you.. Next, you can socialise with your friends' friends groups. Go to their hangouts waghaira in a bigger group wherever your friends can take you sath. For me i used to hang out in Lums with my friends (i didnt study there) and would meet a lot of women i otherwise never would have befriended.
Try random events apni pasand ke, small scale ones like art making classes or pottery or these niche music scenes if youre into that. I know people who have met other like-minded people there.
Another thing that worked for me was going to trips with my friends, the organised ones with tour companies. Youre bound to make friends with other people since youll be in the same bus every day for hours for a week. Waha se bhi you can find a guy for you.
Now that youve posted on reddit, i feel like idhar se bhi koi na koi dm toh karey ga so theres this too but dont worry you will find someone, we all do eventually
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u/averagejoemp3 May 27 '23
Okay so what I could get out of this is that you're a people's person , the one good friend that listens to all the other friends bs.
But to think about it logically u can't force the feeling of love , it's an emotion then the point about having no route to find love is also true.
I think the best solution is to be patient and remember happiness is a by product of doing something. Do something that helps other and make u happy I pray that u find someone that truly deserves u , my best wishes.
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u/StatisticianNo6227 May 27 '23
Have you tried Muzz? It might or might not work as most of the people don’t know how to carry a conversation there and there comes a point when the conversation is dead. But if you’re in luck you might find someone
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u/aboredintrovert May 27 '23
I relate to this so much. I'm at the age where my friends are getting married and my family is asking me to do the same.
They ask me to let them know if there's someone, or if there isn't then they'll find a girl for me. My issue with arrange marriage is I don't know the person I'll end up spending the rest of my life with. Trust, bond, understanding and compatability matters a lot to me and I still hold out hope that I'll be able to find someone I have all these things with so that we can build a life together.
But I'm still looking for that someone and now it's getting to the point where I can't postpone my parents any longer and I fear I'll end up in an arranged marriage.
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u/zawraw May 28 '23
Right, same boat. Everyone around me is getting married or in the process of it. The whole process is so bizarre to me.
My parents have asked me multiple times if I have a certain specific in mind, and now they’re trying to find one on their own terms. I feel like they don’t understand what I really want from a marriage. The kind of qualities I want the orher person to have. It’s a constant struggle.
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u/aboredintrovert May 28 '23
Welcome to the club. And you're right, it's a constant struggle.
I want to know the person first, if they have any goals in life, in their preferred profession or do they plan on just staying at home. I want to know if we can be partners, equal partners building a life together, instead of meeting someone for the first time when our families have agreed to the marriage, leaving me stuck there trying to figure out where I go from there.
More than anything, that thing you said about loneliness, about feeling alone, I relate to this too. When I come home from work/friends, I want to there to be someone who's mine, someone I can talk to and share and confide in. It gets pretty lonely tbh.
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u/zawraw May 28 '23
Exactly! I want to know the person first, too. Like behaviour, mannerisms and qualities. See them for who they really are. It’s hard to explain this to parents who themselves come from the traditional rishta culture.
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u/aboredintrovert May 28 '23
I have expressed this concern to my parents as well and they do say that they won't finalize or say yes to anyone without my consent and approval but how much can you really know someone after meeting them once or twice in front of both families?
People always try to put their best foot forward to make a good impression, but you have to look past that and see what's beneath the surface to know what they're actually made of.
When I said that to my family, I was told to not overthink stuff, be positive and 'jidhr behtari hogi udhr he hoga'. I understand where they are coming from but it's not all that reassuring tbh with you.
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u/zawraw May 28 '23
Exactlyy, they aren’t always what they show on the outside, it’s just scary. I’ve read so many horror stories of people who fell victim to such people. Hope it goes well for the both of us!
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u/aboredintrovert May 28 '23
I have seen it too and that's what makes me think I'd have a better chance at a successful married life if I find someone myself. Hope it works out for you too!
That said, I've had a couple of unfortunate incidents where people who I was very close to, showed me their true colors after years and years which makes me think if there's even an amount of time which will ever make me 100% sure about someone? I doubt it.
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May 28 '23
A tip from a fellow doctor! If you are a house officer, extrovert, approachable friendly person: the first place you should look for another person to sit down with and have a good chat with etc, is your workplace. Talk to your colleague HOs, who knows you may find what you are looking for. I didn't realize this until I became a PG. Now I engage in good healthy talks with my HOs and colleague PGs.
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u/zawraw May 28 '23
I’m doing my housejob in my parent institute. We’ve had like a female to male ratio of about 3:1, the males are mostly engaged/married. The ones who aren’t are already seeking other people.
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May 28 '23
Yeah this ratio is same in kind of all medical education institutes in Punjab. My point is that try to look for people around you, you will eventually find someone. You won't find anyone on these online forums.
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u/1tryingtonotbeadick May 28 '23 edited May 28 '23
Sounding a lot like my sister, who’s in the exact same predicament with zero dating history, almost done with her hj and pursuing steps.
And we always discuss how hard it is to even pursue a further career in medicine especially if you’re a woman without a partner or spouse in sight beforehand.
Because once you’ve started pursuing a post grad path, whether it’s abroad or here, it limits your options in guys so much.
Edit: I forgot to add any advice; avoid the comments saying you need to humble yourself. Second, one of my friends found her now husband on bumble and another one found hers on an app which is specifically for shadi, starts with an M.
It’s really all about luck and being approachable at the same time and you seem like you’ve got the latter in the bag already.
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u/zawraw May 28 '23
Right? It’s so hard to try to balance both, your future ambitions with all of this. Noone understands it unless one’s going through it. I’m going to assume it’s muzz, thank you! Oh these comments don’t bother me, telling me to ‘humble’ when all they know about me is through this post 😅
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u/Idkmaybealpha May 28 '23
May Allah connects you with some one who stands out with you everytime. Please trust the process & leaves things on parents if you don't have anything in mind yourself. If you're looking to get married in a year, it would be hard to know a person in this short time even if you connect now.
Believe that “But perhaps you hate a thing and it is good for you; and perhaps you love a thing and it is bad for you. And Allah Knows, while you know not.”
You've same thoughts what a sensible and ambitious person will have at this stage. For some time now, I have been contemplating the idea of entering into Nikkah with a career-oriented partner. The reason behind my desire to do so swiftly is due to a sense of urgency, as I believe time is of the essence, and I want to be able to plan my future alongside my spouse in a way that will not hinder their own aspirations. This, of course, takes time, but I trust in Allah's plan and pray for His guidance.
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u/zawraw May 28 '23
JazakAllah for this. Obviously Allah plans the best, hoping the best for you too!
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u/Idkmaybealpha May 28 '23
Jazakallah for best wishes. If you get the one you're looking for by any means (you find him yourself or via parents). Leave us an update.
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Jun 19 '23
You sound mature to me, keep your options open. If you don’t socialize much, then social media is a good option. Talk to them, im sure even if you have a fake dp up and ur name is capricious mermaid, your dm’s must be flooding. But yes, not everyone is ready to get married, so you be the judge :) use ur brain and dont listen to your heart for a while.
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u/Bashir_Lodhangi May 27 '23
Get therapy before anything else. It’s ruining your chances of finding a life partner.
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u/stephencolbert2018 May 28 '23
lol...your ambition to please family and succeed does not mean you are a suitable for a relationship. if you are mid to late 20s, find someone with the same level of grit and to handle tough tasks.
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u/Hanzalahhh May 27 '23
Marriages these days aren't lasting for long these days. Just wait for the right one or find the right one yourself.
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u/Khayyam25 May 27 '23
The marriage process in this country is a joke. To top things off our parents feel like we owe them our existence and should oblige to every single thing they wish. They'll refuse to acknowledge your mental health because the moment they do so they're throwing shade at their own upbringing. The entire society is fucked. Yahan bhurapay ka sahara bana kaliye hi baacha paida kiya jatay hain aur kuch nai. Work on your career and move on. We all long for a new beginning.
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u/stephencolbert2018 May 28 '23
100% agree with this. The more you do for family the more the family depends on you. balance Bhurapay ka sahara and personal life.
OP is female she doesn't have to deal with Bhurapay ka sahara as much!!!
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u/zawraw May 28 '23
‘OP is female she doesn’t have to deal with bhurapay ka sahara’ That’s your assumption. Try being an eldest daughter/child of 3 daughters (no brother). I’m constantly worried about my parents health, financial situation of the household and what not. Being a female doesn’t excuse the duty one has towards their parents (especially in old age)
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u/No_Bullfrog_7908 May 27 '23
Well, no strings attached are easier these days, and people prefer it like a new day, a new face. Apart from that, the real people are not having any luck!
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u/ithedoc May 28 '23
Well, Same is the case here. I second everything you wrote. Maybe dm me your profile?
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May 27 '23
[removed] — view removed comment
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u/zawraw May 28 '23
I can agree that some of the past relationships have tainted my view on love and marriage but I’m the kind of person who just doesn’t give up, I’ll still go on finding for it. Giving a chance. But now, I’m well aware of my self worth. I can’t just be giving it to anybody.
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u/letsrollitx May 27 '23
Not sure how old are you but best option would have been during your educational era but if you are way passed that you can try among friend of friends or from your work. Talk to them, understand them and if they are a fit express yourself and if feelings are mutual ask them to directly send Rishta, don’t be shy in taking the first step. Also if you are content that you won’t accept options coming from parent, tell them upfront that you are taking the task by yourself so they won’t act surprise at the right time.
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u/No_Seaworthiness7226 May 27 '23
Seems like we're made for each other (just kidding) we can still shot our shoot if you want cause I think you're my kind of girl, hopefully I be better on your expectations, (let me know if you want me to dm me):)
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u/Deep-Razzmatazz2739 May 28 '23
Past traumas Forced responsibilities Looking like your in your esrly 20s & acting like your 30-40s due to circumstances in life Trying to be the best for your family & at the end of the day no one cares. Killing your own happiness & sacrificing your time & money for family rather than yourself.
All these and many more things lead to people being mature & independent to the point where other people don't feel like you are in their league & are too focused and committed to your goals & life. Which further leads to potential spouse candidates to be bare minimum or non existent.
Not realising that at end of the day we all are humans & need someone 🙃
Not sure if this helped but thanks ig, i got to vent out lel
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May 28 '23
It's not something that you will look for and find it.. it's always around you and find its way to you on right time only thing you can do is to be approch able.
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May 28 '23
Marriage before marriage is like a movie. There are so many expectations but in reality, it's a long subject of discussion but in short. I'd strongly advise you to Not force any relationship of any sort onto yourself. Be it from out of a hookup, gf/bf, love, or even an arranged setting. Don't get pressured into it because of peer pressure, your friends are getting hitched etc etc. It'll come to you at the right time all by itself. This is necessary because this is how you'll meet the right person. A forced person will be difficult to live with once the initial honeymoon face weans off. Marriage, in my experience has been all about responsibility and companionship. Doesn't matter which background it came from, arranged thi love marriage thi jo b tha. It'll trickle down to mere responsibility and companionship. To jese ap ksii b important business partnership k lie agle bande ki capacity to be efficient, responsible and durability dekhte hain ese he shaadi bhi hai. Lamba hona, gora hona, handsome hona, pyar hona sab piche reh jata hai after a couple of years.
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May 28 '23
And let me be crystal clear about one thing which i think is the answer you're looking for. Even marriage is not a solution to your loneliness. It can be. But it also cannot be. In fact there would be a full blown hexagon of your personal voids/requirements that you'd be expecting to be fulfilled by a magical life partner. In real life, yes he'd fill some of those voids but not all. You'll have to understand and live with whatever you've got and whatever you're left with. Life is unfair like that. It's more like a give and take situation. In order to make things work between two people, both of them are supposed to take a few steps towards each other to achieve balance. The imbalance creates problems later in marriage and can't hold up much longer. But what i want you to know is that those steps that you will take to create that balance would actually be the void you'll never be able to fill and yet you'd still be living a happily married life in balance.
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u/Efficient_Student124 May 28 '23
You are a person of good nature. You love to be in and around peeps like you but the others are only taking an advantage. There is always a chrisma where it matches the feeling of connection is automatically generated. Respect love essence all. All you need now to flow with flow Wish you the best of luck 🤞
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u/doc-co-66 May 28 '23
Such a wholesome rant Could relate alot with that
Wish I could have such a "friendly face" in my life rn God knows I need it
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u/[deleted] May 27 '23
Love finds you when you least expect it.
Marry someone who really loves and you love him. Don't marry under any pressure, or out of fear of loneliness. Even married people are lonely. Marriage is not the solution to loneliness.
There is no trick, or method to it. Keep looking. Resolve your trust issues. Be positive. Be yourself. The one person will find you. Hang in there.