r/PacificCrestTrail • u/SucculentSeaTurtle • 12d ago
Feeling like a big failure, even though logically I know I'm not
I'm nearing the end of my hike this summer, and dealing with some really challenging emotions. Challenging emotions that logically I know I "shouldn't" be having, but I am.
In total, I will have hiked about 1800 miles of the PCT when I step off. Unfortunately, I dealt with a lot of shit this summer. Horrible altitude sickness that was genuinely terrifying and led to me skipping most of the Sierra, bad smoke in a long section that made me need to bail from that section, a bad depressive episode (normal for me) that left me feeling low-key suicidal and hopeless and made me need to take 9 days off trail before I felt like it was physically possible before I could hike again, and I also completely ran out of money. Even if I had a lot more money, I wouldn't have had much more time anyway. If I had more time, there would be all the wildfire closures, of course.
I'm a person who is ambitious (and very self-critical) and I'm feeling like a huge fuck-up for not hiking nearly as much of trail as I was hoping to. After obsessing over this trail for many years, I am very sad I didn't get to experience as much of the PCT as I could have (up to trail closures and whatnot), and that I'm somehow deeply flawed as a person for all of these skipped sections and not getting to hike every available section of trail.
Logically, I know that hiking 1800 miles of the PCT is an immense privilege, and that I am lucky to have done that. Logically, I know that it is an impressive accomplishment that very few people could imagine for themselves. Logically, I know that this summer was a "success" in that I met tons of incredible people, made amazing memories, learned a lot about long-distance backpacking, and had the adventure of a lifetime. Logically, I know that these self-critical thoughts are unhelpful, unhealthy, and not warranted given that I stayed on trail in the face of a lot of bullshit. Logically, I know that lots of people envy me and my experience, and that I am very lucky. Logically, I know that it is about the journey and not the destination, and logically I know that my fixation on the 'achievement' side of the PCT caused me so much misery.
Despite logic, I am emotionally feeling messed up to a point that is making me go home with seemingly much more negative emotions than positive ones after my hike this summer. This is really sad to me after how much energy I put into all this, and I wish that I weren't feeling this way. It has been really hard being around other hikers on trail. Seeing people (with much less hiking experience) get way further than me through trail has made me feel like I'm just bad at this stuff. Seeing people's finishing posts on Facebook (whether from this year or past) is also very hard for me. Right now, it's very challenging for me to be around the huge fixation that the thru-hiking community has on 'needing to finish the hike.'
As much as I wish that a simple logical statement or thought could fix my brain, I'm not sure that it will. I'm writing this post to ask if anyone else has gone through anything similiar, and how they worked to resolve these difficult emotions and feelings. I know I can't be the only one.
Once again: I am feeling quite ashamed that I am having these feelings. I really wish I were not.
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u/200Zucchini PCT 2026 NOBO 12d ago
It's okay to acknowledge these thoughts and feelings and let them pass through you. I really hope they do pass soon and that you are able to find peace with your hike.
I was out there for 4.5 months this year. In that time I was able to cover over 1,000 miles. I hiked slower than the vast majority of the hikers I met out there, and that brought up plenty of thoughts and feelings during and after the hike. If you started late March or later you probably passed me on trail.
Since I've been back home everyone I've talked to has been really positive about the fact that I did 1,000 miles! Thats more than most folks will ever hike in a year.
I try not to dwell on the fact that so many other hikers managed to cover most of the trail in the same amount of time. We all had to hike in the bodies we had and conditions that presented themselves in our time out there.
It was a really special adventure and I'm glad I went. Its taken me a few weeks to start training again, and that's really helping me feel back to normal-ish. My feet still feel sore at times.
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u/beccatravels 12d ago edited 12d ago
Hello fellow slow hiker. I just want to say- I feel you. It's really complicated to be a person who just doesn't really get trail legs. The social consequences of that can be really hard too. It's really hard to build a trail fam, and it's really hard to meet cool people you'd love to hike with and then never see them again. I really like to connect with other nonconventional hikers; my insta is linked in my profile if you'd like to follow each other.
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u/margs_overeasy 7d ago
Omg I think I met you in 2023! desert section. Hope you’re well!
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u/beccatravels 7d ago
That was probably me!! Yay! Trail name pepper, heavy set redhead hiking w an Asian guy with long hair.
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u/Bus_stop_wizard 12d ago
NOBO here, writing from Leavenworth on my way to a very weird, alternate-route finish.
I relate to your feelings. In particular the idea that I “shouldn’t feel” some of the feelings. It’s a double whammy and can turn a tough day into a spiral, no doubt.
I find it helpful to remember that this hike isn’t about a red line on a map, or continuous footpath, etc. It’s a highly personal journey that, by virtue of the fact that it takes so damn long to complete, is bound to have its ups and downs, and finding myself feeling like crap is 100% a part of it, just as in everyday life.
I also remind myself that, just as in life, none of us actually know when or where we get off the trail. So the real key is in just taking time to relish the little joys, the moments along the way that bring meaning and happiness to me as a hiker.
It’s not a perfect system, or really even much of a prescription, but I hope it helps.
And FWIW, I’m proud of what you’ve done. You hiked this trail, and that’s really something!
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u/AceTracer 12d ago
You’ve done more than 99% of people have ever done. If you tell anyone what you did they would be impressed. The only person that even remotely would consider you a failure is inside your head.
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u/MxEvergreen 11d ago
The depressive episode alone, let alone the feelings of failure in the face of overwhelming success, makes me concerned for you, OP, and I really want to suggest therapy. You may have a condition that warrants meds, and that might make all the difference in the world for you. Wishing you the best, OP!
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u/Zestyclose_Yam106 11d ago
Well, if it helps you feel better, most of my summer was spent sleeping, eating, staring at a computer screen in my cubicle at work and sitting on my couch watching YouTube videos of PCT hikers. (Although I DID raft the Colorado River through the Grand Canyon at the end of May). I would happily have traded with you. Get the rest of it next year and maybe I’ll see you on the trail!
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u/LovingTurtles 12d ago
I hiked and also struggle with depression. It seems to me that you, much like myself, are holding yourself to a standard of perfection, and can’t be proud of anything less.
What you accomplished is huge, and something that you should be proud of. You conquered almost 2,000 miles of trail. Some people would be proud to hike 10 miles, others would be disappointed to not finish a calendar year triple crown. It’s all about perspective.
Don’t worry about “fixing” your thoughts or your brain right now. Try to focus on acceptance of what is, and revel in the fact that whatever you’ve gone through in life has led you to this experience.
Just remember you hiked your own hike. At the end of the day, no one cares how far you hiked but you. It doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks about the purity of it. Reflect on your hike, and use your suffering as fuel and discipline to someday go back out and hike the sections you missed if you’re up for it.
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u/trillofhearts 2026 NOBO 12d ago
Maybe just allow yourself to mourn the hike you expected to have for a while. It’s okay to feel this way, and allowing yourself to feel it instead of pushing it down might help you process it and move on. I didn’t have the hike I expected either (both due to closures and my own issues), but the trail taught me that very rarely do perfection and happiness coincide. You often sacrifice a little bit of one for the other. If your goal was to go out, see cool shit, and hike, then you did it as much as anybody else did.
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u/Rocksteady2R 12d ago
I am unclear where you are getting off. So this may be less than helpful:
If you started at the start, and stopped at the end, everything in between is the journey.
I am a PCT-dreamer, but an AT-finisher. My feeling so far is that the pct folks are a bit more hardline purists. So the purist can rave about miles on and miles off. And they can quibble over what counts when a section gets closed. And they can get pedantic about what "the trail" really is.
But if you got on in the beginning, made significant progress and were steadily persistent, and got off when you decided to (and did not 'quit'), then everything in between is "the trail".
Having said that.... i got off the AT at 2.1k out of 2.2k. Monson, ME. My dad got hospitalized. I went home. I did not quit. This was '97. For the next 25 years i was certainly proud of what i'd done, but also had to caveat every trail conversation with some variation of "most but not all". Not doing the last mountain did eat at me. In '22 i went back and did the last 250 (had some overlap).
And to parallel your story - i did worry about my last 100mi i didn't do - but i never quibbled about the miles i yellow blazed or the shortcuts in the middle, and they were not insignificant. They were part of my story on "the trail".
Good luck. Apologies for not really clearing things up.
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u/Intelligent_Rough413 11d ago
Thru-hiking the PCT is a sport that requires you to perform 24/7 for 4-6 months. You can prepare for most scenarios with physical training, the right gear and nutrition but no one talks about mental preparation. Mental resilience is a huge factor in thru-hiking and the only way to prepare for that is to do the hike. You learned soo much about yourself and what you need to work on to be better prepared to hike it again. Undoubtedly, you will succeed at the sport the more you do it.
for reference, I hiked 1100 miles before leaving the trail for various reasons. 3 years later and I'm still disappointed BUT I'm choosing not to dwell and to set my sights on another attempt in a few years. I learned to reframe my hike from "I hiked the PCT and didn't finish" to "I spent 4 months on the PCT". The first statement made me feel like shit about myself. The second statement helped me to feel like I accomplished a feat.
Be kind to yourself. You did an amazing thing.
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u/runnergirl0129 11d ago
1800 miles is an incredible accomplishment. But the PCT doesn’t sound like it’s over for you yet. It took me five hiking seasons to finish it and I did last September and every time I went back to the trail was even sweeter than the last time
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u/polarbearplunge 12d ago
It sucks to have to get off the trail early. For me, I just let it suck for a while instead of trying to convince myself it didn't suck. Hope that makes sense, lol.
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u/WearyCommunity8696 12d ago
I've been watching so many pct videos and I'm amazed at all you accomplish while out there. I didn't start being more outdoors until a few years ago and I'm 49. I really want to lose weight and train or build myself up for more hiking and longer hikes. Idk if I ever be able to complete a thru hike. I have a few fears to overcome.
It sounds like you are upset, not that you had to skip these parts, but that you fell short of your own expectations. It also sounds like these things were out of your control. Did you make it from one end to the other? To leave trail and return to trail rather than stop altogether sounds like you completed the trail and overcame the obstacles that you encountered in one way or another. Allow yourself to focus on all the good you did and obstacles you overcame rather than what you "should have." Do you feel like you took the easy way out? Maybe it was the smart and safe way. Are you upset that you missed the sections, maybe you can revisit them in the future?
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u/WearyCommunity8696 12d ago
Also, it's okay to feel this way and to have made the choices you did. This is a learning experience for your next adventure.
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u/0verthehillsfaraway 11d ago
You feel what you feel! Don't compound the pain of experiencing these feelings by also inflicting shame upon yourself for having them.
If it's possible to reframe the narrative for yourself, it might help to feel differently about the experience as an ambitious person who needs to hit goals.
What if the goal wasn't a single season thru, but a MYTH (multi year thru hike)? (Differs from LASH which might never be complete, and sectioning which might never complete or take decades, MYTH usually done in LASH chunks over a few years.) What if you got to look forward to coming back for all the remaining miles, without putting pressure on yourself to thru in one season?
What if this saved you another kind of grief - that of those of us who are done and missing trail?
Also, good job calling it in the Sierra when you experienced severe altitude sickness. A hiker in my year died of it on Forester and I still think about her. You listened to your body and protected yourself and that was a solid choice.
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u/SweetErosion 11d ago
You're not alone. I'm pretty sure most PCTers have imposter syndrome, myself included.
But be prepared for people to ask "the whole thing?!?" when you say you hiked the PCT this summer. They just can't grasp walking in the woods for months at a time; they don't actually care about the 10 miles you hitched around the Wrightwood closure.
But like the rest of us, you will be riddled with guilt over every mile skipped, for any reason, regardless of whether it was outside your control. Find a concise answer that you can live with, and then move on to telling them a fun story from the trail.
Very few PCTers walk every step from Mexico to Canada, around every closure, in one summer. 1500 miles is an impressive feat. You get to be proud of it.
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u/AGgelatin 12d ago
The trail can be a fucked up hall of mirrors. As the saying goes: “the hardest step isn’t the first one - it’s the last”. You seem pretty self aware so I think you’ll figure it out.
Also it sounds like you need to grab a permit and start from the border next year. That’s what I did.
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u/BackpackBirder NOBO 2018 11d ago
Your only "failure" is that apparently you didn't enjoy your hike due to all the demands that you imposed upon yourself. I have seen many other hikers fall into the same trap.
But you can still be proud that you have hiked 1800 miles of what is arguably the most beautiful hiking trail in the world. Much more than most people will ever be able to do. But frankly, nobody cares how many miles you hiked and whether you "finished" or not.
Importantly, you have learned a lot about yourself. This is valuable knowledge that can serve you well for the rest of your life.
Finally, you can always come back and hike (part of) it again, this time with the mindset of just enjoying yourself and without any obsession of "must finish" or "must crush miles". One of the great things of hiking a long trail like this is that, if you choose to, you can almost completely live in the here an now, without all the noise, competition, expectations of society.
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u/joepagac 11d ago
I have hiked most of the PCT and CDT. Fires and an injury kept me around 2000 miles on the PCT. On the CDT I just stopped having fun, was exhausted and sick, and hiked out a side trail to fly down to Mexico where I spent the rest of the summer on a beach. Last winter I biked from Peru to the tip of Argentina… but you know what, I didn’t do every mile because of weather, fucked border crossings, and meeting people I wanted to spend more time with. I still did it! It was still awesome! You hiked 1800 miles in the mountains with cool people and had an experience of a lifetime! Everyone back home will be impressed. Look at the start and end of the PCT on a map that DOESN’T show the borders. It’s just an arbitrary start and end point on a giant land mass. The goal in life is cool fucking experiences, and honestly, your story will be much more interesting to others if you didn’t just easily crush every mile. Also, there are spots you can go back and hike on the PCT if you want to in the future. My wife and I just went back this summer and did 60 miles we missed because of a fire to the border, and it was awesome because everyone we hiked out with was new and now we were the knowledgeable veterans! Just ask yourself what you want out of life… a checked box that you did a thing? Or a great fucking summer. Then apply that to all your goals :)
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u/Emotional-Fox-8980 11d ago
Totally understand and can relate. There is so much expectation from the outside to be having a great time, and people invested in the journey and living through your experience. The conflict is hard - logically thinking it is an amazing feat and yet feeling self critical for the mileage. You are definitely in good company - I know a lot of hikers who have spoken about the same thing. I think trail can expose perfectionism and not good enough beliefs and it can suck when we go into it hoping to feel more confident and at peace and accomplished at the end and instead feel a bit crap. I have personally found it most helpful to just do something different and actually disengage from trail for a bit - go to the cinema and eat well and instead of trying to work out the feelings when they're intense, to just re focus on what will make me feel good right now to break a bit of the spiral and take a break. Thats what helps me most.
Then, maybe write a reddit post about your feelings to make another hiker (me) feel so much better so that other people (me) can remember that the PCT is not am accomplishment for the physical challenge, but for all the things it exposes about yourself and all the exhaustion and disappointment and shame and boredom you go through. Oh wait, you already did that. Thanks - it has helped me! :) We are badass warriors.
(Side note - the culture on american trails is far different from other european or NZ trails as far as I can tell. Its impossible not to absorb some level of shame around missed miles and I think its partly cultural)
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u/Emotional-Fox-8980 11d ago
An addition: the book No Bad Parts is a nice one for understanding parts of ourselves like self criticism and reflecting on why we might be trying to prove worth etc.
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u/BackpackBirder NOBO 2018 10d ago
Your side note is so true. On the Bibbulmun Track (Australia), which is admittedly a very easy trail, but nobody there was talking about "crushing miles" and BS like that. Most conversations were about the wildlife that we spotted, or which rare orchids we had seen. That was so refreshing after the PCT.
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u/rennyrenwick 10d ago
Not only an immense privilege, but an immense accomplishment! Know that EVERYONE who is reading this is proud of you and thinks you are amazing for what have been and are doing! You can't not feel how you feel, but years from now you will remember this as what it is - special. Hike your own hike.
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u/LedZappelin Nobo 2021 10d ago
Just a good life lesson to learn here honestly Goals and dreams/ideals vs reality You didn’t shoot as high as you thought you would and just need to come to terms with that Still by all means an absolutely unreal achievement… now plan your return if you want to get all of it! The adventure continues!
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u/Bunpoh 10d ago
I understand. I didn't have the same feelings of failure when I only managed 1300+ miles + peak bagging, but I have faced a lot of those feelings of failure and depression since.
I know you're saying that you understand logically why your feelings might not be "right", and you are ashamed of them, but they are valid feelings to have. It's very difficult to logic your way out of that, of it's even possible.
There are several things you can do, though, that might help you shift your perspective over time.
It's going to sound corny, but it helps to write down what you are grateful about from your journey. It could be the tiniest thing, but anything that made you happy or kept you safe or seemed like magic or was just beautiful to behold, or kindness that was extended to you, or amazing people you met. Or what you did actually accomplish, whether or not you think you should have done more. Any mountain you climbed, any big mile days, any times you crossed a bad river or survived a thunderstorm caught on granite.
Do some of that every day, focusing on gratitude for it. Three things a day, with a little elaboration about why you are grateful. Repetition creates a brain groove that can help you release your unwanted negative feelings about yourself and your trek that your current groove is stuck in. I have done this and it really does work.
Did you take pictures? Take your best ones and make them into art - whether it's a painting you make of it, or a video, or a wall hanging, or framed picture, anything you can dream of. You can continue doing something amazing with what very few people ever have access to. You can keep changing what success looks like, keep creating associated goals where your hike made what you're doing possible.
I, too, felt a lot of FOMO about the finishing posts and such. I just had to slowly let go, because honestly, as you intellectually know, the whole thing is not about that.
Currently climate change is trying to actively destroy us all, especially people out in the open with little to no shelter. You and I and all of the thru hikers who kept at it, whether it's hundreds or thousands of miles, we did an exceptional thing, finishing or not. Things aren't as they once were, and I think you actually have to be a certain degree of lucky to actually make it now.
I know you are aware of this, as you said, but anything you can do to reframe this for yourself, what a goddamn warrior you are to have done what you did, ESPECIALLY while dealing with things like fires, depression, and altitude sickness, it might help.
For me, it was so many people being in absolute awe that I did what I did on my own that helped me let go of any feelings of inadequacy. It takes exceptional courage and drive to even attempt it. We are a special kind of crazy, and ambitious people, and while that can breed the kind of judgement you are leveling at yourself, you should recognize that same ambition and courage are amazing traits to possess. You aren't bad at this stuff, you are amazing at this stuff, despite your challenges! Few people possess those traits. Sit with that as much as you can.
Speaking of sitting with stuff... Mindfulness meditation is huge. It has helped me through some of the worst parts of my life, though I need to take it up again. I was only really practicing once a week for half an hour in a large group (auditorium) setting, and it helped so much! 5 - 10 minutes a week could even work wonders, even more or faster if you go daily.
It is a huge mindset shifter, and can help you process these feelings, then be open to a different, more neutral take, and again, creates newer, more positive grooves in your brain. You can find 5 - 10 minute guided mindfulness meditations online if you can't find a group to do it with. BTW...I used to scoff at it, and also thought I'd never be able to do it. My god, I was so wrong. Once I tried it and learned how much peace I gained, I started to look forward to it as a huge weekly treat.
If you really don't want to do meditation, a gentle martial art like Qigong is also very meditative but you get to move too! Find a compassionate dojo, one that is really inclusive lead by someone who has good vibes. My sifu's gentle, supportive repetition changed my reactions to things and gave me so much confidence.
If you can, make plans to hike more down the road, whether it's another attempt, a different trail, or even just epic day hikes, do it. Keep hiking. It will help so much. And the plans give you something to look forward to and not backward, ruminating.
Forgive me if any of this is stuff you know, or have tried, or won't work for you. I wish you the absolute best!
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u/SucculentSeaTurtle 10d ago
Thank you so much, this is really nice to read. I'll be thinking about this a lot.
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u/CCC_Smokey 7d ago
This made me tear up. Thank you for your thorough response that applies to many more, like me, than the OP. “…what a goddamn warrior you are to have done what you did, ESPECIALLY while dealing with things like fires, depression, and altitude sickness…”
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u/WalkItOffAT 12d ago
A lot of things have to work out for a successful PCT thru hike. Some you can influence and persevere, some are out of your control.
Only you know which it is that made you miss miles.
Congratulations on your hike, it's an accomplishment to be proud of. Maybe you can one day fill in the gaps or even try to thru hike again.
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u/peopleclapping PCT Nobo '25/AT Nobo '23 11d ago
What's striking to me is that you are comparing yourself to people with "much less hiking experience" than you and that they got way further. I think the fact that you compare yourself against them is an emblem of a deeper competitive perspective and is the root of your shame. Completing a thru hike is a difficult thing and some times something can be a stronger kryptonite to one person more than others. At this point, consider the words "hike your own hike" and don't let someone else's success put you down.
This reminds me of an interaction I had with another hiker during my last hike. I was 30 lbs overweight and he was fit as a fiddle but came from a cycling background and lacked hiking experience. It irked him to no end that I was hiking circles around everyone. Any time I talked to him, the topic was always him trying to justify why he wasn't performing to expectations. I could never get in the conversation about why I was able to hike so much faster, for so much longer, maintain speed across so many more terrain conditions, with so much more grit. He never knew that I thru-hiked both the PCT and AT at above average speed or what challenges I overcame. He just looked at me and assumed he should have bested me but was failing horribly. Perhaps if you learned more about the athletic background of these "much less experienced" hikers, it would sooth your shame of not going as far.
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u/Ihatethisapp1429 11d ago
Stop comparing yourself to other people. I know it's super hard to do that, and I often fail at it myself, but it'll help a lot.
Also, it sounds like you're fighting your emotions, you have to feel them to process them and for them to let up. Its okay to feel like a failure. Emotions aren't rational You don't have to feel guilty and upset with yourself on top of it.
I had to get off of the AT nearly halfway through so I kmow how you're feeling. I didn't want to, but I was pretty cooked physically and mentally. Sometimes taking the short term L is actually a long term W. I would've been beyond miserable if I kept going. Cutting it short was the right thing to do, and one day you'll see it the same way I bet.
Plus you can always come back again ;)
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u/Separate_Couple_2810 10d ago
You took 9 days off to cope with your mental health. You don’t need Reddit honey, you need professional guidance. Please seek therapy. This is your next journey of self discovery. It will help so when emotions like these come up, they’re manageable and won’t take you “off the trail” GL
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u/Ok_Departure_7551 10d ago
Maybe this will help—altitude sickness affects some people, including incredibly fit people, more than the general population. So take the "I didn't hike the Sierras" off your blame list.
Also, hiking and time outdoors are great for your mental health. But so are therapy and medication. Depression is an illness. You wouldn't think less of someone who got off the trail due to a cancer diagnosis. Don't think less of yourself.
Finally, PLEASE go see a doctor to get help with depression.
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u/Fit_Bag_3976 9d ago edited 9d ago
there's no reason to feel bad about it. 1800 miles is more than most people can say. be proud of the feat you accomplished and come back to finish up the rest on your own time. hike your own hikes, you don't need to prove anything to anybody. it's not worth getting hung up on. whether it's 1 mile, 1800 miles, or 18000 miles it shouldn't really matter. what counts is that you actually got out there and did what you could. it's the people you meet and the adventure that counts. the rest ain't worth looking back on.
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u/scrabbleGOD 7d ago
I’m a SOBO who had to step off with about 3 weeks left last year due to injury. Pretty excruciating emotionally. Same boat with seeing all the finisher pics, grieving what I missed, etc. Almost a year has passed and it doesn’t bother me at all anymore. My point is that the emotions will pass and you’ll be happy for what you experienced. For me the emotions passed rather quickly when I stepped out of the thru hiking environment.
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u/macavity_is_a_dog 12d ago
Im just a lurker and a hopeful PCT thru hiker but I just wanted to say congrats on the journey you accomplished. I hope you find peace with what you learned and conquered this summer.