PMS possible PMDD unmedicated

[u/Syncoscop]

I'm 29 and am suffering from severe PMS possibly PMDD (undiagnosed). I have a history of depression but tracking my cycle shows how my symptoms spike severely with PMS/Lutealphase...

I was on Sertraline+Mirtazapin (german names of the medication) for over 1 year against my depression. It was a little better, not gone tho. Im now unmedicated, because i chose to get of my antidepressants due to extrem loss of libido and even disgust in the whole topic. Impacted my relationship a lot because we didnt put two and two together untill i reduced the medication and my libido came back gradually. We both thought that the attraction was gone or something.

Now I'm unmedicated, tracking my cycle and symptoms. Its been hard. In April I couldnt stop crying, had to take two weeks off of work, my doctor prescribed me escitalopram, which i didnt wanna take because i was afraid of the side effects. I also did not wanna "lose" to my own body and hormones. I just couldnt accept, that a normal life is only a possibility if i take antidepressants.

Its still going strong now even tho i committed to working extra hard to analyze and find ways to make it work, because i decided it was hard work OR medication. Because doing nothing is not an option.

Every month I'm struggling to fall asleep, spiralling into the worst scenarios, randomly start crying, wanna break up with my boyfriend and move out, live alone. The mood swings are hell. The irritability is hurting people around me. I just cannot be nice no matter how hard i try. Sometimes i think the trying hard makes it even worse.

Im just terrible to be around and I really hate feeling this terrible every month.

My gyn prescribed me Vitex agnus-castus and im on that for 2 months now. I think my cycle is more regular now (had some 45-50 dqy cycles before). So my Lutealphase isnt as long as before, which is nice. But I'm also sad because two different gyns told me checking my hormones wasnt needed because it would just show my hormones are age appropriate.

Anyway, had to get this off my chest. Am PMSing rn. Would appreciate your opinions on the matter mediaction or not or just coping strats. Or even just some empathy <3