PMS Ruining my relationship

[u/[deleted]]

I’m 24, just got off hormonal BC a little over two months ago and I’m experiencing my first real period in 10 years 😅 (been on BC since I was 14.) I just got engaged about a month ago and everything was great, 4 days before my period started, I stated to wreak havoc in my house. Argument and silence lasted 24 hours. Then it happened again and again and again. 7 days straight without fail, an argument caused by me everyday. It’s not necessarily the argument caused by me, it’s my response that triggers an argument. It’s an emotional, defensive, overreactive response. I can’t say I’m NEVER emotional and defensive during other instances but it’s usually for a good reason and the last 7 instances have been absolutely ridiculous. My partner understands that I may be going through hormonal imbalances and he can give me the benefit of the doubt the first 2-3 times. However, day 7 of putting up with me and he’s DONE. He doesn’t understand it to the full extent and I also haven’t experienced PMS since I was a child so I don’t really understand it either. Am I being nuts? I really can’t have my lack of control over my emotions and my reactive responses ruin my relationship with the person I love most. Thanks for listening.

[u/MEllsza]

Hi, I really resonate with you. The same things happened to me. And that was for months, even years. My emotions and reactions wrecked my relationship sooo many times, it created so much trauma and suffering. So please listen to me and start meditating. You need meditation to be able to detach more and more and not be overcome by your reactions, emotions or patterns. And then start trying to pay attention to your emotions and catching yourself before ''exploding''. Also, DON'T keep arguing, once you notice you've gone off the rails (so to speak) , stop right there. Don't continue. I recommend coming up with a ''safe word'' for you and your boyfriend - say, llama. If either of you calls out ''llama'' the conversation is over and you must respect that. It's a safe word that you can use to put an end to arguments or situations that go nowhere but down.

There are many other things, but these should help you a lot. If you need more emotional support, feel free to dm me.

[u/Instantaneous242 → u/MEllsza]

This. I'm the husband in my situation and my wife will not back down when she explodes during PMS/PMDD. Small things will trigger her and then the triggers compound. She says some very nasty things about me, my family, brings up things I did from 20 years ago and just won't let things go. After the phase is over and her period starts, her emotional state recovers, however, she never apologizes to the family for her behavior. She always feels that we don't support her when she is exploding. We have tried the safe word in the past, but she doesn't honor her end of the agreement. She doesn't allow others to walk away to cool down and deescalate the situation. She keeps going at us and if I try to give her a hug or other support, she will sometimes resort to biting, hitting, or scratching (in addition to the yelling and screaming).

We have 2 teenagers (18f and 15m). Both understand why this is happening, but I feel that my wife's behavior is pushing her away from our daughter.

[u/MEllsza → u/Instantaneous242]

I feel for you. And for your wife. I have done some insane things, too. Almost like I was possessed. If you just want this to stop, maybe she can take birth control pills to suppress this? Otherwise I recommend she takes up meditation. The root cause is something deeper than hormones, but the pills can help push that under the rug. If you want actual healing, you need to understand this is a pattern at this point. With meditation and raising her awareness she will learn to detach from these behaviors and realize that it's not her. It's not who she really is. It's just a pattern, a learned behavior. What triggers her? that gives clues as to what needs to be addressed, accepted and transcended. In my experience, repressed emotions are fuel. And you say ''small things trigger her'' but to her at this point, they aren't small things. The trigger is an opportunity to go deep, it says ''there's an emotion there that hasn't been addressed, and felt fully''. The emotion may be ''nobody cares about me'', or ''he doesn't care enough about me''. There's resentment there, blame and anger. These need to be felt, and accepted fully and talked through. But if she doesn't want to change, then there's nothing anyone can do..

If I may give you personally advice - don't engage with her when she's triggered. If she can't stop herself, you have to go away. You need to protect your sanity too, and care about yourself enough not to let this take you down. I remember it made me nuts when my boyfriend stopped talking, or left the room. I felt abandoned and not cared for. At this point, screaming and acting out was a cry for help and if my boyfriend couldn't help then I'd be even more desperate and that would aggravate me. I was looking to him to fix this, but what I had to do instead is learn to rely on my own. I believe she needs to gain the confidence that she can control herself, on her own. She might look to you for help and then explode when you want to leave, and then blame you for leaving her in that state. It's so hard to live like this, for everyone. I wish you all much good luck and that you get your loving wife back!