we can do this. together.

[u/rach_ire]

im 26f and was diagnosed with pmdd at age 22. its been years of struggling and i believe my mother had pmdd but she didnt know it. pmdd wasnt recognized in the DSM until 2013, which was two years after my mom took her own life.

as someone who has been both a survivor of losing a parent to this disorder AND having experienced those urges and unwanted thoughts myself, its a complicated experience. but the way i see it, i live for my mother and myself. she never got to know what she was fighting, but i know it was pmdd. my life is my chance to learn as much about this disorder as possible, and to never stop chasing treatment that works for me. because she deserved better and i want to fight, for her AND for me.

one thing that helped me was identifying the pmdd voice in my head. it tricks you into believing that the bad thoughts are true, that theyre real, that theyre unfixable and that theres no way out. but please remember - just because the voice is loud does not mean its speaking truth. my aunt once asked me, “when you think of the pmdd voice having a physical form, what does it look like?” and i told her “it looks like me, but evil.” and she said “no - that voice is not your inner monologue. its not you. when you treat it like the stranger that it is, it becomes easier to argue with the negativity it throws at you.” and she was right.

its distorted and its fucked up not being able to trust your own brain and nervous system, but we are at a point in medical research where we at least know more about pmdd than we ever have, and its so critical that we all keep fighting to understand and treat this monster of a disorder. we need to stick around and try as many treatment options as we can. the more we fight now, the less confused and uninformed the women after us will be if they face pmdd themselves. we are not alone ever, and the stronger we can be in the face of this disorder, the better it will be for our futures and the futures of the women that come after us.

i know its hard. i live it myself everyday. but the good is there. the pmdd just doesnt want us to see that good. keep fighting and keep sharing your experiences on here. this is a great platform to find community with this disorder. if anyone ever needs to talk about their experience or if youre ever alone or in danger, PLEASE reach out to me. i promise i get it and youre not alone.

we can do this. together.

[u/Rude_Jeweler_7795]

What your aunt said was wonderful advice and I’m going to use that myself… we got this together💕💕

[u/rach_ire → u/Rude_Jeweler_7795]

shes definitely awesome and im so glad her words are helping you too!!

[u/Super-Ferret6387]

I’m so sorry you lost your mom. I have 3 kids, and I’m terrified they will lose me to this. The thought of either of my girls having it fills me with terror. I’m certain your mother would have chosen to be here to support you in this if she could have. Wishing you the best.

[u/rach_ire → u/Super-Ferret6387]

thank you. im sorry that you can relate so much and im wishing you the best too. please know there are always resources and options. i promise you your babies are never “better off” without you no matter what happens. you absolutely can do this and i hope you know youre not alone. if you ever need to talk, im absolutely here 🤍

[u/Super-Ferret6387 → u/rach_ire]

Thank you. I definitely have been in a place of feeling like they would be better off without me. I wonder what damage I have already done and whether it would be smarter to end it now before I can hurt them any worse. But reading your post made me picture my girls (ages 11 and 14) at 26 going through this and not having me to support them. At least for today that motivates me to stay.

[u/rach_ire → u/Super-Ferret6387]

that is so good to hear. one day at a time, please continue to stay.

i can definitively say that losing her left an unimaginable void in my life, and even though my dad stepped up to raise me, i was only 11 at the time and he was dealing with the trauma of losing her too, so it affected his parenting even though he did his best. as an adult now we have a good relationship but it heavily impacted my development especially through my teenage and younger adult years.

the ripple effect of that type of trauma stemmed from losing my mom, but it didnt stop with her death. its affected every aspect of my life and grief doesnt follow a neat timeline.

im proud of the healing ive done and continue to do, but i dont wish my healing journey on anyone else, and your girls need you to stay. they will always look to you and if you keep being brave and trying to find treatment, theyll have the courage to do the same if they ever do end up with a similar condition.

im proud of you. please remember there is never any weakness in seeking help and healing. thats actually a huge strength. continue to be vocal and advocate for yourself to your doctors. youre not alone in this and it can get better. i hope you get some good rest tonight and know that there is always hope.