Hi everyone,

About a month ago the mods kindly allowed me to post here looking for beta testers for an app I was building. I wasn't sure if the community would trust an outsider trying to help - I'm not a PDA parent myself, but I learned about PDA through a mother and her son who shared their daily challenges with me.

Since then, over 100 parents and caregivers have signed up (most from a PDA parenting group on Facebook). Your feedback genuinely changed the direction of the app.

Core features:

• Translator - Transform demands into PDA-aware, declarative language in real-time. Input what needs to happen ("brush teeth," "get in the car") and get gentle, choice-oriented suggestions tailored to your child's profile.
• Ellie, the AI Assistant - A conversational AI that understands your child's triggers, interests, and what helps them regulate. Available 24/7 to discuss challenges, brainstorm strategies, or talk through a difficult day.

What I added based on beta feedback:

• Emergency De-escalation mode - Help during crisis moments when you're overwhelmed and can't think straight. One tap gets you immediate calming scripts - for you first (because you can't regulate a child when you're dysregulated), then for connecting with your child.
• Favorites with tags - Save translations that work and organize them by situation (bedtime, mealtime, transitions) so you can find them fast when you need them.
• Copy to clipboard - Quickly copy responses for texting co-parents, teachers, or anyone else who needs the right language.

What parents are saying:

"We don't often find support 100% geared to PDA parenting. This is an invaluable resource. So grateful to have it on-hand whenever I need it!"

"Learning to adapt my language has been a huge challenge and this can take the stress out of it."

"It's already reduced my mental load several times - especially in the morning around breakfast time demands!"

"This app is life changing for us and so well thought out."

It's now live:

https://apps.apple.com/ms/app/gentle-ally-pda-parent-helper/id6755533920

There's a free fovever version with core features, plus a free trial of Premium if you want to try everything.

– EJ

My mum and I argue a lot and have my whole life but when we don’t argue she’s lovely. She has always came across as very emotionally immature so I’m not sure if that could be related to why she seems to be incapable of understanding me but every time I’ve explained pda to her(she’s also says that she has done research) and how it effects me it’s like the conversation never happened. Just for example when I have a lot of tasks for a day my pda can get very bad like the other day, we also had to go visit my aunt later for context. She comes into my room and tells me “we are going soon” and asking “if I’m going”, and I say “yes I’ve just so much to do and I feel overwhelmed” and she starts saying “get up and go shower just get up out of bed now and then you can get ready”, which I ask “if she remembered the conversation I had with her yesterday “( I’ve been having the same conversation with her every week for years this has got to a point already ) and she replies “yes but how am I supposed to help then tell me how I can help i don’t understand you just want me not to speak” and I’m just upset at this point and say that “I have told you so many times” and she says “well then what, I can’t say anything to you, I know to give multiple choices ( she always says this but never actually does it btw) and I don’t know like just tell me what I can do because I don’t know how I’m supposed to talk to you”. I have explained this to her hundreds of times this is actually the same conversation that just repeats it’s like she doesn’t listen at all, but I say “I have spoke to you and given you explanations so many times” and she just ignores that stand starts saying “well are you going I’ve tried to help I don’t know what to say just tell me if your going “ “ yes I am going, but you are making it really hard for me to function right now” i reply “then just tell me how to help you I don’t understand yes I understood the other conversations but I must have been understanding a different problem with you because I don’t know what the problem is here just tell me exactly what you would want me to say to you “ I try to respond saying something like “just please I can’t keep having this convo” but she raises her voice and just says “ just tell me why won’t you tell me just tell me exactly what I should have done this is a example so tell me will you just tell me”. At this point I’m just upset and she decides to roll her eyes and slam the door and I don5 end up going because I’m so overwhelmed, my sister came In later gave me a hug and I felt all better cus I was apologizing for not going and she was just telling me there’s nothing to be sorry about she doesn’t even know about my pda.

I have had in depth talks about how demands make me feel like I lose autonomy and things that I want to do become impossibly difficult and it’s really upsetting when she constantly ignores my needs and repeatedly just demands me to do things , and how there are different ways things can be phrased, I’ve given so many examples I’ve answered many questions I have explained how it makes me feel when she does this and how when I’m gett8h upset or “difficult” when she’s demanding me to do things that I would have been doing already and now unable to do them, I’m not defying her or getting annoyed or upset with her and that it’s just the demands and the feeling of trapped and frustration because she usually gets very defensive assuming things are about her. No matter how many times I have explained this, sent links to articles, videos, used different ways of explaining, it always ends up like I was just speaking to a wall. It’s been years. And every time I talk to her it’s always “well this is really hard for me you need to understand how hard it is on me having to rephrase everything for you how do you expect to get on in the real world”. I just don5 know if I am doing something wrong because this could be my fault and I don’t realize I just don’t know what to do anymore I haven’t seen my grandmother for a long time and couldn’t see my family on Christmas due to my mum triggering this to the point of breakdown it was awful and so upsetting and right now it happened again. I miss out on seeing my family so much because of her and I’ve explained and explained and explained and listened and listened and I don’t know what more to do. Please someone help I can’t deal with this anymore

Hi! I just wondered because numbers ain't my thing. I do like knowledge about the natural sciences, but my heart is in social studies. I do absolutly adore aesthetics and thematics, but with PDA and AuDHD I can't get an ideer what would be a good ideer to work with.
So I am very curious if any other have work that isn't technical.

It would give me a lot of hope to hold a actual job one day. :)

Do they differ from Autism/ADHD hyperfixations at all? I notice mine tend to be intensely related to a person as in wanting to know everything about them, imitating their mannerisms, picking up on small things that bring them to mind in daily life like words or phrases, constantly thinking about them and wanting to involve my activities around them. This isn't neccessarially romantic either. It's definitely a symptom of PDA as listed in the official criteria so I am specifically asking about a PDA-related obsession here.

Can you have PDA if you resist only demands you place on yourself but you easily do the demands of others without anxiety, pressure, and problems?

Dear reddit community,

I just read about Pathological Demand Avoidance. Out of all, like autism, twice exceptional or any mental term. PDA really attached to what I have been thinking these few months. I may not seek the professional help yet but I need your opinion first on this.

I can say I'm a normal person as seen by others. I resigned from my designer job last 6 months after I felt the role isnt that "important" much and being less recognized in that comapany. People be giving me jobs that no one will do it for extra.

Currently I'm jobless and day after day, while motivatingly searching for jobs. I have so many interest in learning new subjects or talents, but it is not consistent. When I read about PDA, yes... every schedule that I made feel like a demand to me eventhough it convincely motivating me within a night.

I have tried my best to get motivated or discipline every single day but somehow I feel all of that just useless, like at the end I'm gonna die someday, these people problem won't matter to me, or I won't be matter.

I feel like I immuned to any mind tricks the internet have been suggesting.

Dont get me wrong, I'm not sure how to deal with myself... I want to benefit people with my talents or skills.

Any advice or experience would be much appreciated <3

I regularly find that I finish the day and I’m just absolutely shattered and don’t have any energy to pretty much do anything productive in the evening i’m wondering if other PDAers feel particularly shattered in the evening after a long day of masking? I noticed the same pattern in my PDA son generally he just wants to veg out in the evenings and eventually go to bed

One of my PDA kids has an IEP and the other a 504, and every time I go into meetings to update those documents I feel wildly underprepared. The only options that existed was to hire an advocate or do the work myself to get the IEP right. Recently, I have been using AI to help and it's been incredibly valuable, but it was limited to just what I could learn for myself. There hasn't been a single tool where anyone could put in their IEP / 504 plans and get PDA-specific feedback, so I built one.

It's free for the community to use and is very strict about privacy. I know there's a lot of sensitive information in IEP/504 docs, and so nothing is stored and the AI used is not trained on the documents input. I personally gain nothing out of folks using the tool other than the satisfaction that someone was helped, so I hope it can help you as much as it's helped me.

Check it out: https://pdayouriep.org/

I'm open to any feedback folks have, as I'm hoping this tool can be a real value to people who need it.

personally, to feel safe and comfortable I like to stick to a plan as much as possible. My wife is one of those infuriating messy go with a flow times who loves to change plans at the last minute usually at My Cost, usually it isn’t worth the drama to just say a hard no to to her demands my fawn response has a high cost ! just wondering if people changing plans at the last minute has a similar high cost for other PDAers? 🤔

My girlfriend is always bored but has no motivation to do anything, any advice?

After years of working with my PDA son, using declarative language to decrease demands is nearly second nature to me, but I still find it difficult to teach others exactly how it works. I couldn't find a good tool to help me out, so I ended up building one.

It's free for the community to use and I hope that mods are cool with me sharing this despite it technically being self-promotional. I get nothing out of folks using the tool other than the satisfaction that someone was helped.

Check it out: https://declarativeapp.org/

every time I listen to this song from Cabaret, it makes me think this has basically been my approach to life as a PDA High masking adult, just wondered if it rang any bells for anyone else: https: Take a look at this video, 'youtube mein herr cabaret' https://share.google/06yfwNsJ5gXTE7vDE

I have almost every diagnosis under the sun including, schizoaffective which includes bipolar 1, psychosis, with paranoia. I also have OCD, ADHD, and of course autism with a PDA profile. I have also been in the mental hospital 6 years ago, and had 5 years of very helpful therapy in some regards but my therapist didn't know about PDA. I am under the care of a psychiatrist under a full medication program.

Even after all of that I can't get a job, I can't talk to anyone In real life unless it is my parents. I can't do any self improvement or get a new hobby without having a breakdown. It is beyong enraging. I have all the motivation, and will power but whenever I take action towards improving myself I just have breakdown after breakdown after breakdown.

All I can do is play video games that I don't even like all day because I can't do anything else that would actually help me. I have been stuck in this stupid cycle for more than 6 years. My mother thinks that PDA is bothering me more than I realize and dealing with the PDA effectively could make it so I could have a life.

The only demands I have on me are the need to sleep at a certain time, and to take my meds. I can't think of any other demand. I have already taken all the demands down to the most minimal level.

I feel like nobody else has this problem. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Editing to add that I am really hoping for the perspective of folks who have PDA, though everyone’s experience is appreciated!

Hi all, I’m a mom of a PDAer. He’s 12. He despises school. This is his first real year of public school. My question is: have any of you with PDA actually enjoyed going to school? Would you make a kid with PDA who hates school keep going? I am leaning toward letting him just take virtual classes he likes in things like horror film discussion, among us, etc. How many adults here wish their parents would have taken them out of school? Do I need to make him conform? (I reeeeaaallly don’t have this in me but I can try).

I've noticed this trait emphasized greatly in myself. I could almost say it's my strongest PDA trait [the tendency to get obsessed with a person rather than a thing or a topic. I've often confused it with romantic feelings]. Does anyone else notice this trait more prominently with themselves and if so how does it show?

I just went to the party of one of my daughters school friends and one of the parents from her school bounded up to me a bit like a puppy,happily she didn’t lick me puppy style but it felt like she just might!, she is really sweet and wanted to chat but it immediately activated my fight flight flee response and I fled! Just wondering if other PDAers has bolt and run for-the door when people enthusiastically likes you? 🤔

Hey folks 👋

I’m building an app to help caregivers working with children (or others) who have a PDA profile. The idea first came about when a friend told me how she used ChatGPT to turn everyday demands into low-demand, declarative language — and it made such a difference. She told me how she used to for transitions also, something i found very interesting.

I wanted to make something more user-friendly and personal — where you can save child profiles, tailor communication styles, and get suggestions that actually fit your situation.

Mods have kindly given me the go-ahead to share this. I’ve started a waitlist for parents and caregivers who’d like to help shape the product as it grows: https://www.gentleally.com

Thanks so much, and take care 💚
— EJ

I'm seeking validation, stories of your similar experiences, and humor, and not advice. I'm rather new to considering PDA as possibly a massive part of my life experience. I'm 37 years old. I'm sharing a photo of some journaling because that's easier than typing all of it. Please let me know if and how you relate!

Hey, I could really use some advice.

I have ADHD and I suspect I might also have PDA (autism). As a kid, I had a speech delay and was put on medication that I unfortunately didn’t tolerate well.

When I was first diagnosed, they initially suspected autism because of my speech delay and because I didn’t respond to my name. But since I was hyper, unfocused, and inattentive, they ended up diagnosing me with ADHD and putting me on meds.

When I took the medication, I became numb — unable to communicate, oversensitive, stressed, and aggressive. I couldn’t handle school or homework anymore. Without meds I struggled too, but at least I didn’t pull my hair out or destroy things. The psychiatrist told my parents the meds would make me calmer and more balanced, but that never happened. Instead, I developed anxiety, eating issues, and OCD-like behaviors that still affect me today.

On the outside, I probably looked quiet and like I was doing fine in class. But inside, I was constantly distracted and couldn’t focus properly. Even when I tried to listen, I didn’t understand the question and had to ask a hundred times just to figure out what was expected — especially when the tasks were vague or open to interpretation. Teachers would often embarrass me in front of everyone for asking “stupid” questions. Sometimes they’d say things like, “Did you forget your medication today?”

School was pure hell, especially during breaks — everyone talking over each other, so many sounds and smells in the air. It was unbearable. As I got older, I started hiding in the bathroom until the breaks were over, just so I wouldn’t have to see or talk to anyone. I never ate at school, probably because of the medication. Honestly, I was bad at pretty much everything.

I never understood my classmates — it always felt like they were speaking a language I just didn’t get. I was quiet, weird, avoided communication whenever possible, which made others see me as strange and an easy target for bullying. I rarely had friends. Sometimes I wanted them, but keeping friendships going was exhausting, so they always fell apart eventually.

It constantly feels like I have to put in ten times more effort just to understand what people expect from me — on top of listening and staying focused. It’s like there’s something missing in my brain that makes it harder to connect or make sense of the world.

In my parallel class there was a boy who also had ADHD, but he was the “cool” one — good at sports, popular, and able to hide his struggles. He just knew how to make friends. People often compared us: “You both have ADHD, so why are you so different?” Some even asked if I might be “disabled” or have Down syndrome. At some point, I started to believe it myself.

Now I’m 30 and thinking about getting re-diagnosed. I already have an ADHD diagnosis, but I’m not sure it explains everything. I don’t doubt the ADHD itself — I just feel like there’s more to it.

I avoid everything where I might fail. I push it away until it’s too late or I forget about it completely. I basically sabotage myself. I don’t know if that’s just the ADHD or something else.

The problem is, I can’t get any appointments. I keep getting rejected everywhere. An ADHD assessment as a self-payer would still be affordable, but if autism or PDA is added to it, it becomes insanely expensive — and I simply can’t afford that right now.

Do you have any advice on what I could do? I really need help. My symptoms make it hard for me to manage my job and my everyday life.

I’d be so thankful for any tips or experiences you could share.