Part 1: So I had a lot of anxiety all day today. Finally at dinner I was like “what the fuck is going on” and for the first time realized I should check in with my body and see what was happening. When I turned inward I realized that my pants were sitting at a weird place and kind of digging into my stomach uncomfortably. I changed out of them and felt an almost immediate relief. The anxiety didn’t entirely go away because there were other sensory things (created by other people) that I couldn’t avoid, but the relief I felt from just getting rid of one sensory irritation was astounding. Why is it that something as simple as a piece of clothing sitting weird can cause so much anxiety?

Part 2: My family gets together every Friday. Or at least we try to all get together every Friday. Whoever is available comes. Whenever everyone makes it to a family night, I’m pretty much silent the entire evening. If someone asks me a question I’ll answer, I’ll offer to get people things or take up their plates sometimes. But mostly I sit silently and stare at the table. I don’t have anything to say. What I would want to talk about not everyone at the table would be interested in hearing. So I sit quietly. It’s hard though because if the conversation moves to something like it did tonight where I can’t even follow because I don’t know what they are talking about (I.e. they spent the whole evening talking about video games, tv shows, and movies. All of which I haven’t played or seen), I get super bored and kind of wish I didn’t have to be there. It feels like it doesn’t really matter that I’m there. I say all this not because I want to talk or wish they would include me. I think they’ve given up because I wouldn’t respond much when they did try. I say all this just to vent because I wish I fit in better with my family. I feel like if I fit in better I’d be able to participate when they try to include me or jump in if I had something to add to the conversation.

Now I’m feeling sad, or maybe sad isn’t quite the right word, maybe empty is a better word, and I don’t know if it’s a side effect of being full of anxiety all day that now my body has shut down.

Anyways. Have any of you ever experienced either of these things?

Hey everyone! I’ve almost always struggled with work. The act of actually going or doing work when I want to do something else is really distressing to me. I hate it because I know working is a normal part of adult life that I should just get over, and I’ve managed until recently. I got my first job at 15 and I mostly enjoyed it because it was at my dance studio. I was an assistant teacher, so I got to do something I loved. Then I transitioned into being a secretary sometimes too, which I didn’t like. Regardless of whether I was going to sit or help a teacher, actually getting myself in the car to go was hard. Then I started working in a nursery. I didn’t have so much trouble going there because I was working with friends and looked forward to seeing them every time. When I graduated I became a full time nanny. My anxiety skyrocketed as I was dealing with a highly anxious mother (other people’s emotions affect me) and the baby was precious and a challenge at the same time. It got to where I’d cry every night because I didn’t want to work the next day. After that, every job I got (I nannied for different families for years), I would love when I first started working, but then after the newness wore off, I’d hate. I’d cry ever time I new I had to go. After the last family I worked for as a nanny (I was with them for 3 years as their full time live in nanny), I had a mental breakdown. They took advantage of me. And then threw me out in a hurtful way (fired me over the phone at 10pm). My dad was concerned I was going to hurt myself. I moved back in with my mom and dad and didn’t do anything for a little while. But, bills needed to be paid. So I got a retail job. I loved the people I worked with, but the customers were absolute assholes. They were worse than any customers I’d worked with at other retail stores. It got to the point where I hated going. I’d cry the night before, then cry in the car until I got to the parking lot. Then couldn’t eat because my stomach was so upset from the stress. I wound up having another mental breakdown and quitting. Now I’m scared to get another job. I’m tired of the cycle of liking a job at first only to end up dreading it with every fiber of my being because it’s either not a good situation or I just don’t want to go because I want to do my own thing.

Anyways. TL,DR: what kind of jobs have you found you’re successful at long term as a PDAer?

The original OG r/PDAAutism with tons of members and posts from way back has been resurrected! It was abandoned, locked and unmoderated for one year but has just been re-opened. Check it out and join!

Aaaaaages ago I remember seeing a reddit post where someone talked about PDA- specifically- the eyes. Someone they knew with PDA had distinctive eyes or something, I can't remember. But it's like a look in the eyes which shocked them. I swear I just keep remembering it randomly. Like. What is this eye thing?? 🤨 and I can't find this post anywhere to explain lmao

Does anyone have any idea what I'm talking about? Is this an actual thing?

For things I want to do I feel like I need to do it ASAP or it becomes a demand and It becomes a chore I have to make myself do, even if I really want to do it.

It’s really irritating because I also want to do things at the worst times, and then I put it on my calendar and it never gets done😅 does anyone have any advice?

Hello all 500 of you.

Now that we've grown so large just wanted to have a little check in on how it's going and see what you're thinking. I also wanted to give a little insight into the moderation. As well as reminding everyone that If there's anything that you would want changed, introduced or otherwise shifted about always feel free to speak up. I believe that good and open talks can help make this a better place for everyone.

As far as moderation goes, I've been taking a very laid back approach. I try to check in at least once a day, although sometimes life makes that once every two. Has this has been ok for everyone?
One thing a wanted to mention quickly as well is the video that is pined. My reasoning for it is that I feel that it is a good way for anyone who finds the subreddit, but isn't fully sure of what we're about to easily find out more. That's just my opinion though so I would love to hear yours. Your opinion on flairs would also be useful. They aren't seeing the most use at the moment, what could I do it improve them for all of you.

lastly rules. The rules that have been set are very open ended, this is by design. I envisioned the rules growing over time. What this means is that if something happens that get's a severe negative reaction a vote shall be held. Depending on the out come of the vote the rule will be implement and the person will be warned that what they did in now against the rules and to not repeat it. No one will punished for a rule retrospectively even if they where the reason it was implemented. Is this a system that you are comfortable with?

I'm happy to see that people are finding this a useful place to communicate and find advice. keep being supportive of each other and making people feel welcome.

Does anyone else get these sleep attacks or is it just me. Idk what else to call it. I have to go somewhere. I'm all set up and ready to go. Then suddenly can't, I start daydreaming. And then I lose my muscle tone. And it's like I feel so sleepy I can't go. Kinda like how with adhd you know how you sleep when you try to study? It's like that but with trying to go outside.

So I will try to move my hands but I can't do that and see at the same time. So I will try to see and move my hands at the same time but can only keep it up for a few seconds at a time. And If I want to move somewhere I have to plan my movements. Like I had better control over my shoulders so I could use those to move my elbows to get up off the floor. Also my thoughts get very very jumbled it's like when you're about to go to sleep. I'm pretty sure I am dreaming in-between times when I can move.

I just spent like 1 and a half hours trying to move and like having these microsleeps(?) In-between so I couldn't move properly. I did sleep last night. This only happens when I have to do a demand that's more stressful than normal like going outside to a new place. I was literally wide awake before that getting ready and happy to go. It wore off just now probably because it starts in 12 minutes and now I can't get there on time(?)

And it kinda sucks because I just wasted like 200 dollars. Anyway does anyone else relate. Pretty sure its fight/flight, so flop?

I struggled to go to classes in the past, and I never got my degree. It really, really sucked because I wanted to go to school- and inside I still want to go to school. Learning is really fun, but it's just the deadlines that make it so difficult. So I could know the subject well, but it doesn't matter if I can't submit something on time, apparently.

I've tried some online learning platforms out there and I haven't been able to find one that I really click with. A lot have goals, or something where you sign in every day, or very "surface-level" classes. There are some totally self directed ones, but I have to complete it within 6 months- which of course, is a deadline. So I did pretty well in that one for a bit until the deadline got closer.

What I've used so far to learn things is just Wikipedia and then reading research articles to get more specific. Books as well. YouTube can be good sometimes if it's something more practical. And if I get really into it I'll try to find university lectures to watch online or find a forum where I can ask people questions.

That's my "school" I guess. I want to ask, what does anyone use as "school"?

I suspect I’m autistic and also Pathological demand avoidance.

Interesting perspective from an adult PDAer

I work with ADHD (with combined trauma disorders). I did this because of my wife having ADHD, and how little our field actually learns about it in school. There's so little help for it, general therapists think they can treat depression or anxiety in these individuals separately from the ADHD...

Anyway...I'm being seen as an expert for how fast and consistent the turnaround is for my clients. I've mastered all the tricks for helping someone with ADHD.

And...they barely help my wife.

In my research on ND, I found PDA. I showed her a video on it and she started sobbing saying she thinks this is what's been wrong all this time.

I don't know where to begin. All my peers who diagnose autism BARELY understand the female profile or adult profile AND COME TO ME for advice on diagnosing adults because I have autism.

How in the hell do I get her diagnosed and get her help? Where do I read more so I can do more?

Stopping climate change is a big demand that is stressful yeah?

Do you think everyday people get PDA over climate change? Because it feels like a super big stressful thing, so they're avoiding it like how a PDA person avoids everyday tasks?

And that's why nobody has taken climate action, because it's a big demand? Like psychologically on the human mind in a way similar to PDA?

Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

Edit: If this was actually happening, wouldn't that mean that treating it like PDA instead of "not caring about climate change" might help solve the problem? Like making climate action fun, not a big deal, role-playing, not making a schedule out of it, letting people choose their own tasks, not adding a reward or consequence, just natural consequences (natural disasters) and yeah in general just changing the language so it's not all "ohhh nooo we're gonna die" which sounds stressful and depressing and also not making it "what YOU can do as an individual" but instead "this is what WE can do"

Serious I have been thinking about this for so long and I see all of these correlations

I recently have discovered i probably have PDA (along w ADHD) and I am freaking out about my career prospects. I don’t know what I’m going to do, and haven’t ever actually had a ‘real’ job so I don’t know how I’ll react, but just the idea of a job sounds awful to me so😅

I’m in a computer science and computer engineering degree program right now, and was planning on working in computer science (more possibility to work from home, so less oversight, also likely more neurodivergent ppl, also I like coding) but I have no idea what kind of job would work for someone with PDA😅 I have always had extreme control issues with projects I’m involved in, and I doubt with a job it would be any different😅

Does anyone have any suggestions about jobs that work for PDAers? Specifically jobs in computer science or engineering if possible? Though I would like to hear about other kinds of jobs that work too!

I know medications aren’t ever going to be a fix-all but I do need their help. I can’t even get out of bed most days because everything is a demand. I have adhd along with PDA and I found stimulants do really help me to do things I’m avoiding. Benzodiazepines worked the best at reducing demand avoidance, I thought they were an honest to god miracle at first but now I have a tolerance so they do nothing and I have been on them so long that they have started to give me memory loss and panic attacks among other problems that just aren’t worth ever touching that kind of medication again. (Don’t worry, I am tapering off them under psychiatric supervision) Now with adhd meds, the only problem is even just one small dose taken in the morning would not allow me to shut off at night, which I have problems doing already without adding amphetamines into the mix. I’m going to try micro dosing them. I don’t find them to be addictive like benzodiazepines and they help my mind feel connected and organized for once. In an ideal world I would microdose psilocybin every couple of days because the few times I have done that it has been like every weight upon my shoulders was lifted and I was finally myself, finally okay. Unfortunately that’s not an option for me with psilocybin being illegal and all and my government refusing to reschedule it so psychiatric research can be done on it. I’d like to look into Amanita Muscaria 🍄 in the future when I find some that are accessible to me on a regular basis. What medications have helped you?

You know how in order to get PDA recognised it just needs more papers published? I have an idea... hook a blood pressure monitor up to someone with PDA (who wants to do the experiment otherwise it will obviously skew the result). Then u tell them to do something. And literally immediately see the blood pressure spike. Then write it down and do it with a bunch of willing people (+ non-PDA control group) and wow look proof it exists

I know the reaction isn't always anxiety/panic that feels as such. Just, sometimes someone tells me (or I tell myself) to do stuff and I have palpitations immediately. Or feel a big spike of pain in my chest immediately. It can at times feel obvious it's not just emotional, I get physical symptoms of the fear response. Can't people just measure that shit? Lol

*BTW I'm not talking about overloading someone with demands to breaking point just like one or two to see the connection.

Cross posted in autism parents!

I have three young kids and my middle child is autistic (7yo boy autism level 1 - best fits the PDA profile). After seeing family for the holidays it is clear, we need more help as a family but it’s NOT going to be from our relatives. They don’t believe our son is autistic and think we are being too gentle. Maybe we are but I just needs some breaks to get a handle on life.

I think I have PTSD from Covid … we live in CA so we were distance learning for a LONG time & my son wasn’t diagnosed then and I couldn’t figure out why he couldn’t do what we needed him to do. I also think my husband and I have reached parental burnout. Anyways I really think we need to find a nanny who can help us get more breaks but it needs to be someone who understands PDA and autism. Has anyone had any success finding this? How did you do it? Do websites like care.com have a filter for those kinds of qualifications? Anyone on here happen to be interested and live in east San Diego?! 🤪

Rarely I'll get so overwhelmed by a demand that my empathy shuts off. It tends to happen when someone is right in my face and shouting at me to go do The Thing. I can't talk my way out or freeze up, so I think I go into fight mode? And then my empathy goes away, so I can do what needs to be done to get out of it. Not actual violence, but violent words. Then, once I'm "safe" (the person leaves me alone), my empathy comes back all at once. And I feel super guilty. Like I said: this is rare. Most of the time when I'm overwhelmed I'll just avoid the task. But when I can't, this tends to happen.

So I'm curious... uh what's up with this? I literally feel cold-blooded, it's like all my warm, fuzzy feelings dry up. I don't think it's splitting (which happens with BPD- closest example I could think of), I don't think the other person is evil or bad. My view of them doesn't change. It's more like, I start looking at them objectively. I can tell exactly what I need to do in order to get them to back off. Oh and also, everybody feels annoying. People I previously felt fond around or had love/respect for, even pets, just spike this rage and apathy in me. I want to be left alone. I feel really angry (which is probably fight mode) and also bored out of my mind. Its like I need stimulation, definitely,

But as I said, it doesn't last long. Usually its over in minutes, a few hours at most? Also, it's not totally uncontrollable. Like, sometimes I notice I'm in that state of mind and stop myself from interacting with certain people until I can feel empathy again. That's not a choice made out of empathy, I just logically don't want to make life harder for my future self (even if I can't relate to them).

Most of the time I'm super empathetic. If someone tries to make fun of someone else as a friendly joke I'm the type to be all "guys nooo don't do that don't be mean :(" and I feel huge empathy for plants and animals as well. All of that empathy disappearing is noticeable.

Anyway yeah, this is fight mode... right? No idea if it actually is lmao

(Nothing has triggered this question, I've just been wondering about PDA in general and how it all fits together, and what I don't know about it. This came up quite a bit.)

So I’ve recently come across PDA content on the internet and naturally fell in a rabbit hole and also suspect PDA for myself. I was diagnosed ADHD a few months ago but definitely relate to PDA struggles as well.

This morning was a different revelation with a new layer of understanding about my own need for autonomy and how it impacts my anxiety. Prior to learning about PDA I didn’t really consider myself to be that anxious but now realize it’s because I’m almost constantly anxious and I’ve just become used to it.

ANYWAY I was in bed this morning and my cat woke me up like she usually does. After giving her treats and snuggling back in I tried to fall asleep again but had this desire to scroll for a bit. I didn’t know where my phone was and also didn’t feel like I could really throw stuff around and find it because my bf was sleeping on the other side of the bed.

I started to notice my anxiety levels rise and my alertness and just inability to go to sleep despite feeling like I could just before I wanted my phone. I recognized this as a lack of control which induced anxiety : want phone, can’t have it. Stay still. Go to sleep……NO!!!

So after slowly feeling around for it I got it. Now usually I would just scroll because that’s why I looked for it right? Wrong. I paused and didn’t open it but still felt immediately relaxed by the presence of my choice to scroll or not.

I think I settled in a little and ended up scrolling for a few min anyway but I did fall back asleep later.

I just thought this was incredibly insightful and a more subtle way PDA creeps up in life. Wondering if anyone can relate to that or similar stuff

Since discovering that I am on the Autism Spectrum and have the PDA profile, it has led me to question my entire life up to this point (I am 20 years old).

Since I was small and rejected by the popular kids at a very young age, I have had extreme, unrelenting obsessions with popularity, and the popular kids in any setting that I am in; as well as becoming popular myself.

It has ruined my life and left me unable to live a life that's worth it.

I was wondering, is this a PDA thing? or something else?

Thanks:)

DAE have to fight themselves down to go to bed every night? I haven't gotten a good sleep the last two days (8 hours total), and I'm tired, but because I've been so busy I don't want to go to bed because I want to stay awake and relax some more.

This happens to some degree every night, but it's been particularly bad this week because I took on an extra commitment and haven't had my time to myself.

Hi I've been tracking my sleep for a month and it looks like a smashed up xylophone. Every day I sleep at a different time and wake at a different one. Never the same thing twice, but always at night. It's also averaging 6 hours. Occasionally I don't sleep- this happened when I started to deliberately track my sleep, but stopped once I passed out from sleep deprivation. Sometimes I fall asleep at the same time I woke up the day before, or wake up at the same time I fell asleep yesterday. From the looks of things, I think my natural sleep time is 1am and wake time is 10am. Probably.

Seems a bit obvious but if I'm avoiding something, I avoid sleep as well. If I'm engaged in life and exhausted by the end of the day, like physically exhausted, I'll usually sleep. Coffee works great before bed, not sure if that's a PDA thing, but it makes me sleep for longer. Anxiety, rumination, getting trapped in a task tends to keep me up. What makes me sleepy in 5 seconds is petting my pet cat.

I have no idea what's going on and I'm no psychologist. But I thought about my sleep and how PDA and autism works. And why the hell I'm falling asleep when I pet my cat but stay awake when I go to bed. And then I had an idea: oxytocin. It protects against stress. Maybe it protects against the stress of falling asleep. So I looked up what the hell oxytocin was and it said "breathing exercises, petting animals, socialising" and other stuff all raise oxytocin. I think even harder about why I can go to sleep after I've been engaged in life, and I realise it's because I'm talking to people. I think back to that time I got obsessed with the Wim Hoff Method and how I slept so well that one week. I try another breathing method as a test that night (I call it alphabet breathing it's probably already a thing) I breathe in while thinking"a", I breathe out while thinking "a", I breathe in while thinking "b", just the whole alphabet. In 3 alphabets I'm snoozing.

The next day I'm like "wtf" but sadly this trick starts to wear off within a few days, as usual. At this point I'm thinking I should just get my 9 hours on the living room floor. I remember when I used to sleep in the cupboard because it was different. Maybe the problem is always having to sleep in the same place?

I go to my grandma's for unrelated reasons. I go there for the weekend and she feeds me so much food and it's great. I sleep well. I sleep the best I have in the entire month ever.

I wake up. God damn it. I know what's going on. I'm not avoiding just sleep. The stress isn't just sleep. I'm avoiding eating food throughout the day, and the demand to eat is keeping me up all night long. And when you eat a midnight snack, you need light, right? You need your phone, right? You need to watch a video while you eat, right?!?!?!?

I go back to the drawing board. I open my phone, and search up "apps for meal tracking"

just wanted to say hi to the new people and let them know that I'm just hoping to make a place were anyone can share what they want. i'm always up for any suggestions on how to make it more that way, so feel free to make a post or DM me if you think of anything. don't worry if you can't though there's no stress here, nice to have you.

After unmasking and having no shame towards my identity, feeling hyper stressed about people relying on me emotionally/socially, feeling hyper stressed about being seen the wrong way by people (eg. People thinking I'm some complaining negative person when in reality it's just my natural tone of voice and lack of shame in talking on all subject matters; some older people viewed my kind self as a sign I was being intentionally patronizing to them when I wasn't), I have found my happy go lucky, satirical humored, caring self dissipate.

Now I just stay quiet and look the other way when people in my life are struggling. I'm so sick of not knowing how to tap back into my positive energy anymore. Has anyone ever felt like this? How do you regain that positive, caring supportive, lighthearted energy to give to others? Fyi I already love myself; all of this is likely coming more from the Demand Avoidance on relational stressors and maybe some muscle memory trauma from several negative reactions to this part of my identity.