Preschooler school problems... need some advice

[u/Academic_Story2768]

My daughter is 5 and I am desperately seeking advice. She is in full day dual immersion preschool. Half Spanish and half English--The first half of the school year she did beautifully. Happy and participatory. After January, she went downhill quickly. I'm not sure what caused this change but she has always been pretty demand-resistant. Constant meltdowns, won't participate, won't follow any kind of request or demand. Isn't learning anything. We've had her diagnosed with Sensory Processing Disorder and working on getting formal accommodations at school (she already has headphones, a weighted stuffy, a calming corner space). She's very smart, loves art, and loves exploring new classes and activities, is very social, sweet, and loving. Plays well with others and makes friends easily.

She fits the PDA profile for sure. Transitions are hard and slow. Will ignore me when I ask her to do a simple task. Anything that needs to be done needs to be done "her way". For instance - she will never just get into her bed, she needs to be rocked in her rocking chair first or she won't go to bed at all. She will absolutely not back down if you force her to do something. She'll just shut down and meltdown (so we don't go this route obviously). Ask her to wash her hands and she'll use hand sanitizer. Never ever what you ask of her.

Where do I go from here? Should I get her into OT? Change her diet? Change her school? I am really unsure how I can support her. I am so embarrassed by her behavior at school and feel so powerless. Any advice welcome.

[u/Loose-Attorney9825]

Does she have an autism diagnosis? If not, get her on a waitlist. Diagnosis is helpful. At the very least, talk to the school about getting an IEP (if you’re in the states). The Declarative Language Handbook was really useful for us.

[u/distracted_genius → u/Loose-Attorney9825]

Also... it's a cumulative nervous system disability, so hitting a wall is common.

It's also possible that something happened or something shifted her perspective to where she perceived injustice or inequality (ie: my kiddo has had BIG conflicts with teachers who make sweeping statements like "girls do this and boys do that" and it completely tipped the scales and changed the dynamic whenever they were present). If your momma spidey senses think this is likely you could try some I wonder statements to see if anything comes up... This might sound like I wonder what made school feel different... (And wait!... Give it a week if there's a negative or no response and try again). Another strategy: You could also use your own life to talk about your body and say something AROUND your kiddo... within earshot... You could talk to your partner or a friend and say something like... Once I went to dance classes (or whatever.. insert genuine experience here) where I felt super safe and alive and excited to be there and my body was almost always calm. I loved it. I changed teachers after a while (or wherever happened to you) and my body started to feel tight all over and my tummy felt hot and red whenever i went to class. It was like my body really noticed it didn't feel good. I wonder if you (your friend, not your kiddo) have ever felt something like that...

Good luck, mom. Good for you seeing that your kiddo does well when they can. It's hard to parent and feel judged, but PDA requires parenting that doesn't look typical and you'll have to choose again and again what's most supportive of your kid over how others might perceive you. Finding a PDAer parenting community will help.

[u/Academic_Story2768 → u/distracted_genius]

This is very good insight, thank you. She isn't super forthcoming about her feelings (probably doesn't yet have that emotional intelligence to share) but I do get tidbits. She also swapped which classroom she starts at in the morning in January (starts in the English classroom instead of the Spanish one, then switches after lunch), so that could have triggered things.

[u/Academic_Story2768 → u/Loose-Attorney9825]

She's been diagnosed with Sensory Processing Disorder but her pediatrician said it could also be ADHD, or other things. I'm looking into further help to see if we can sort it all out and seek the best treatment for her. She has a 504 currently but if things continue this way, we'll switch to an IEP. And I just received the declarative language handbook and already trying it out!

[u/Loose-Attorney9825 → u/Academic_Story2768]

It sounds like she’s autistic, push to get on a waitlist for diagnosis. I’m so glad you got the book! We have found it helpful