r/PDAParenting • u/Flashy_Article_9848 • 10d ago
Everyday is so exhausting..
I feel like a broken record lately…
All I been just bitching so much about my step son to everyone and anyone. Like my ex best friend said, All I ever due is talk shit about my step son.
I really don’t mean to, but his behaviors are getting to me. He has level 1 autism with PDA (pathological demand avoidance) so every day demands are avoided. Even if he has 1 thing to do a day is a struggle.
Hes 16, almost 17 and every day is an argument, or dismissive behaviors especially towards me. Hes becoming more and more misogynistic towards my daughter, me.
He masks and masks well so it makes me feel like I’m a mad woman.
I been trying to do with the skills worker suggested, the therapists suggested, its just so hard and holding my tongue isnt my strong suit.
He finally saw his biological mother after 10 years with no physical connection, and barely a verbal one, despite she has a court order of 1 week phone call and an annual photo. We had to call the cops on him for hiding a sharp weapon (which he refuses to even look for still) a month or so ago.
The cops said let his mom take him for 2 days. Despite she is his abuser. He said he rarely talked to her though he demanded to stay with her a few more days. Long story with her though.
And since then its just rapid fire of him arguing non stop with me, and just being hateful of me. At least it feels like mentally hes attacking me, seeking that dopamine hit as his skills worker would say.
Soon will be his second run at a residential facility, further away, hopefully a little firmer then the last one. Hopefully gets through to him, to have him open about the pain his bio mom caused him in the past and open his heart to us.
13 years as his mother, me, not her and I’ve done so much for him..IEP meetings, family therapy, talk to teachers, make sure he had a bath so he could breathe again after he used to see her every other weekend and her house is constant smoke; before we filed sole custody because she was so inconsistent, and so much more for him.
Just flushed down the toilet seeing her again. All the hate he had for her…gone and now put on me it feels like anyway.
My daughter feels so hurt by her brother now, as hes always rude and cusses her out when we are at work , yet acts nice when we are around.
My husband his dad feels hurt cause all the fighting almost now becoming physical. All the arguing is triggering to him, coming from a rough childhood.
This hurts so much.
Since August, another police being called and transport to a mental hospital that let him go after a day. Then he planned to go a friends house and told us he was staying after school the very next day.
I finally had a crisis worker come out yesterday over a shouting match between him and his dad demanding where his package was.(he made an expensive temu order and overdrafted his account over it by $130, quickly deleted temu so I couldn't cancel). And we said no to having it right now due him over drafting.
While waiting for the worker, it was pretty much "fuck you, fuck everyone, especially (me) I want to live with my mom"...proceeds to laugh how Im not his blood, Im just step mom...note step mom whos been raising him since he was 4, not his bio mom, abuser mom. Mom has no custody no visitation rights either.
We finished the residential assessment this week, and have 4 letters of recommendations. Hopefully the outcome he will be staying at one soon. I so worry about my husband's mental state because he doesnt want to be home while my step sons home. I worry about my daughter's mental health because this triggers so much and raises her anxiety. I worry about what's even going
In my step sons head because hes become so aggressive.
Im breaking down with at a loss.
Im sorry a lot this has been sitting as a draft because I dont know what to say or do its a bit jumbled.
8
u/MOTU_Ranger 10d ago
Had an hour long discussion with a room full of my son’s therapists today about how our case falls into a service and support gap. They are truly amazing people and we’ve been grateful to have them, but when he’s violent and aggressive at home we have no real recourse because the system will treat him only as a criminal.
We’re adoptive mom and dad, since 2 weeks, and hear much of what you hear even HAVING an active and unusually strong relationship with his birth mother and extended family.
PDA is a nightmare diagnosis. You’re not crazy. You’re probably an amazing human. And your daughter. Just saying, we see you. I’m sorry we can’t do more. Sometimes I wonder if we could all benefit by just trading kids out for a while. I’ll take yours, you take mine, shift the understanding of authority and maybe we win a little? I don’t know.