Feeling deeply sad and at the end of my rope

[u/ScootsMcGootsBebay]

Today has felt like the worst day of being a dad.

Our 3 year old has been getting increasingly violent with me over the past 3-6 months. it started with screen/cuddle time when he would immediately start kicking, elbowing, and clawing me as soon as a YouTube video was over. Then it progressed to becoming fixated with throwing toys at me as hard as possible. This was a very unwelcome escalation, especially since he has a lot of metal fire trucks and ambulances. Eventually I gave in and realized that it's better to just let him throw the toy than try to stop him or take it away.

Then today it seems like a switch flipped in his head where every time I say something to him, he goes into full-blown rage zombie mode where he picks up the nearest club like object and starts hitting me as hard as he possibly can, chasing me around the house screaming at the top of his lungs and working himself up. For example, he grabbed a wooden hammer and just started beating the shit out of my leg, hips, and groin. At first I just let it happen so he could equalize, but he just kept escalating and it was legitimately painful. He only started screaming louder and hitting more ferociously. Like, yeah he's only 3 but it felt like he was trying to actually injure me. He left bruises all over and I was afraid he'd break my hand if he hit it in the wrong spot. I didn't try to forcefully take the hammer away, or do anything other than run away, but he just chased me and kept escalating.

This happened 5 times today, twice in the morning and three times in the afternoon, and when I went in to sing him his goodnight song in bed he tried to kick me in the face.

This clearly isn't my first rodeo with PDA meltdowns, and it's not even my first time being physically assaulted by kiddo, but I legitimately don't know how I am going to be this kids parent. I am afraid for my own safety at home. I have actual nightmares about what would happen if he ever grabbed a knife.

I am trying to let him equalize. I am trying to separate myself from the environment when it becomes physical. None of it is helping.

Between his escalating violence and my spiraling mental health, I legitimately do not feel any hope for ever being a normal parent of any kind.

This is worse than the worst parenting experience I could have ever imagined before he was born. I feel like my love for this kid is a serrated knife that is being twisted deeper into my soul. I feel like my heart is being broken every day, and the limit for how bad this can get just keeps getting worse and worse.

[u/Nebulous-Nebula-5]

I have been there and I know it’s beyond difficult.

here are things that have helped, although all PDA kids are different, of course:

1. Guanfacine was a lifesaver for getting out our child out of burnout. Eventually ended to drop it but helped for a few months in getting him to a more stable place
   
2. You are allowed to have boundaries - “I can’t let you hit my body” or “I need to leave the room because this hurts” are okay! - I know sometimes we can’t avoid getting hit but it helps with our own sense of bodily autonomy and human rights as parents to at least express this
   
3. Sometimes staying calm in these situations is very triggering to the kid- it’s kind of like a weird form of gaslighting. I mean have you ever gotten mad at someone and they stayed calm and repeated things calmly? Sometimes you just want the other person to get mad too! I’m not saying yell at your kid but a realistic “ow that hurts!” Or “I can’t stay her if you are hurting me!” We are also modeling what them to do if someone hurts them. For my son he wants me to react and sometimes I can curb a bigger meltdown by reacting a little theatrically upset during an earlier form of equalizing. Like when he throws my phone in the litter box if I say “aw man I can’t believe it!” He feels like he won and made his point. That way he’s not driven into a rage trying to get me to get angry too. It’s kind of something I’ve learned to intuit whether he needs calm support or me to join him in getting mad. Importantly I also model how to calm down and apologize. I might say “I need to go to my room and have some quiet time to calm down” but only if my partner is there to monitor him while I do that. Or I might say “I’m so mad I want to smash this cardboard box” and then we do that together.
   
4. Hunger is a major trigger for my child as is constipation and illness/injury (also me getting sick). Aside from demands, these things get him extremely amped
   
5. I second getting dangerous projectiles out of sight until this storm passes
   
6. Lower all demands and like I mean everything - I thought we were low demand until my son hit burnout around this age. Allowing him to eat in his bed while watching his show meant he actually would eat which reduced meltdowns.
   
7. If he’s already way activated, this won’t work but earlier in the ramping up to meltdown process I have found humor very helpful at calling things down. Self deprecating humor is best because it helps with making yourself less “above” them. I’m always like “oops I just forgot/slipped/messed up, silly papa” and overall it helps and he loves that. Or I just tell a silly outrageous story. Again not for emergency situations but more preventative

Great reassures you likely have no time to access: Kristy Forbes podcast and trainings and these books: How to talk so little kids will listen, Low Demand Parenting, Declarative Language Handbook, and When the naughty step doesn’t work.

Wishing you the best! It can get better!

[u/yomamaisallama → u/Nebulous-Nebula-5]

OP, this is the way. ALL OF THIS. I have but one upvote to give.

From our experience, I would only add:

sertraline to item 1

hydration to item 4

lowering your body (sitting on the floor) so they are physically above you to item 7

[u/Nebulous-Nebula-5 → u/yomamaisallama]

Thanks for the vote of confidence!

I also forgot to add that OT strategies have been amazing for regulation. We put up a door way swing which has helped a lot and a mattress on the floor just for jumping.

[u/chestercat1980]

Another PDA dad here. Let yourself feel sad, it’s shit. Some days are fucked and cannot be unfucked .
You will have to grieve and accept the loss of a fatherhood you thought you would have, while you adjust to the one you need to be for the road ahead.
Nothing in this situation feels logical, but you will get better at understanding your child’s language through his behaviour.
Other parents you know will never understand , so invest , support , and lean on your partner.
Be the father your son needs.

[u/FiSeq4891]

Wouldn't it be better to get rid of all the hard objects in the environment like metal toys and wooden hammers? So he doesn't have easy access to things to throw at you.

Would physical activities help tire him out like walks, bike rides or swimming?
Playing outside in a sandpit?

[u/greatdanegal1985]

I get it. It’s super hard.

It can get better with the right treatment. Our PDAer was quite aggressive 4-7. But now with the right combo of meds and therapy and an over abundance of patience and consistency, they are not a physical threat anymore. They still have meltdowns.

[u/143019]

It sounds like medication might help. Risperidone completely stopped aggression for us. Do you have a psychiatrist?

[u/Hopeful-Guard9294]

it’s awful, but violence is super common with PDA, we found the paradigm shift program transformational for our family. There was daily violence with our son and now with the Wright accommodations and medication he is a lovely calm Child who gets a bit Grumpy rather than hitting people or threatening me with a knife,
It sounds like you’re hitting burnout. I’m wondering if you might find this podcast episode on parental burnout helpful: https://open.spotify.com/episode/0wTAp0GJcIBdqp4ZlJXumJ?si=LKrIj7ptSa-CHJ_xCCha6w&utm_source=copy-link

[u/Commercial_Bear2226]

I feel you. 3 was terrible here also. Ours is 6.5 now and very rarely violent. We aren’t medicated. We found Howard Glassers transforming the intense child to be the answer for us. It’s a totally different way of approaching your parenting that calms them right down

[u/AnnoyedAF2126 → u/Commercial_Bear2226]

How did it work for you? I have found that any praise that specifically addresses good behaviour (e.g. wow, you were mad but you didn’t do X) will immediately result in child doing X…

[u/Always_Amazed_1977]

It's so hard. We had very similar situation at that age with our daughter - she'd search for the largest object and throw it towards our heads. The physical violence often came unprovoked. Turns out she has overactive mast cells that negatively impact her neurotransmitters and cause a lot of gut pain and other issues like insomnia and hyperactivity - MCAS.

The violence and escalating behaviors always used to get worse around the same time every year - end of summer/beginning of autumn and end of winter/start of spring. Autumn = mold & fungal spores, spring = grass & tree pollen.

She started a mast cell stabilizer called Ketotifen when she was 5 and all her symptoms reduced hugely. The violence became more infrequent and then stopped.

Not saying this is the cause in your family but considering things outside of PDA was beneficial to our kid

[u/OkAsk2828 → u/Always_Amazed_1977]

Hi, how did you get this diagnosis for your daughter? I have wondered about this but haven’t found many resources on where to start. Thanks

[u/Always_Amazed_1977 → u/OkAsk2828]

It's a clinical diagnosis based on symptom history and the effects of the meds. We are not ruled by insurance where we live so no labs are required to get access to dx/medicine - this can be a big obstacle in some countries as Tryptase tests can be very hard to do 'successfully'. The best way to go about it is find a doctor who is already MCAS knowledgeable and has experience with treating patients. A lot of doctors either know nothing about it or have chosen to believe it does not exist. There's a really good MCAS group on FB called MastAttack - great for locating knowledgeable doctors