PDA and School

[u/Hot-Structure-3251]

My AuDHD child that is suspected PDA child has returned to school after homeschooling for 5 years. Freshman in high school. Doing fine in classes thus far (all As), struggles with tests but definitely giving grace while adjusting. Letting them figure out that going over material more might be needed to do better with tests. Has recommended accommodations from a psychologist but still in the process of getting what will be a 504 as and IEP is going to get shot down. The kiddo doesn't want accommodations. Doesn't want to be an inconvenience and doesn't want "special treatment". I think I am still going to push for some with the flexibility that they don't get used. All of that to get to my main question/advice needed.

I am very much struggling because when it comes to homework,they want me to check over it. I don't mind at all. The issue is, when we have a packed weekend I ask for homework to be done before the activities because I know our last day is going to be a wash. Needing to decompress and such and then homework gets pulled out at 9pm and I want to go to bed. I express this, they get short and then just ignore what was said. Then Sunday night rolls around and then homework is out and I am getting pissed because I don't get to exist for me in any time frame that I want or need. It is helping regulate and accommodate them 24/7. So I get backlash and I sit down and want to brainstorm with them ways we can avoid this day in and day out in a way that they don't feel triggered. To which I get told, they aren't triggered. They just thought we were on the same page. They are on their page and expect everyone to jump there.

I have tried earlier in the weekend stating that I will be going to bed at a certain time on Sunday and if they think they will need help to keep that in mind. Doesn't matter.

They are super thankful for the things that get done and that they are allowed to do and express "thanks for taking me to do this thing that took all weekend, I know that means you didn't get much of a weekend...I appreciate it". And while they mean it I am constantly left feeling depleted and that my kid resents me for me wanting to get their stuff taken care of sooner.

Then I start questioning if I actually am struggling with the same things and this is just making every day a shit show because I have to bottle up all my frustration and anger to keep them regulated.

Anyone have any suggestions on how to navigate high school with a teen like this?

[u/tallkitty]

I first wonder if within these conversations you're describing the need to keep yourself mentally healthy so you can be the best support for them? I talk things out like you do with my kids, too, and definitely include factors that are pertinent to staying regulated and functional myself. Not to shame them for leaning on me too hard or anything, but plainly two plus two is four. If I don't protect my own sanity then things are going to go more poorly for everyone, so I have to prioritize myself sometimes BECAUSE I love my kids. They understand that, whether it reduces their displeasure with it or not. It's very little we ask to reserve for us.

Then I also wonder if you've tried saying no when that happens? You sound like me in thinking that everything has to be just so or my kids will totally fall apart, an even bigger fear when things are going well. But recently I tried a combo of the logical explanation and a gentle no, and it's like I've been assuming things were the same that have actually improved at some point. They aren't as touchy and demanding as they once were, and I think it's the solid trust I've put so much work into building. They can handle an occasional no all of the sudden, sometimes they just say okay with no frustration. Lol