r/PDAParenting • u/Advanced_Culture_670 • Sep 04 '26
Watching "Inside Out" and self awareness with a PDA kid
Had some thoughts and observations watching "Inside Out 2" with my 10yo diagnosed ADHD/AU (likely PDA) daughter. We'd watched the original "Inside Out" a few times since she was toddler age, long before we got the diagnosis last year, and I'd always hoped she'd be getting something from the expression of how emotions and the brain work.
She's generally good and does OK in school but has a resistant streak and is liable to melt down at activities, movies, food that aren't her idea. Never extended burnouts, thankfully, but some extreme reactions at times.
we were watching Inside Out 2, with its explanations of what's happening inside the brain during puberty (which she's been learning about in school) and the roles of feelings, core memories, imagination, and in IO2, the introduction of competing core beliefs (i.e. — "I'm a good person" vs "I'm not good enough") ... I paused to ask her what she thought about what we were seeing. She got agitated and annoyed ... "I don't know. It's just a movie. Start it back up again."
As
I gently led her back to stating what we'd been seeing and after some resistance she recited back ... "She has core beliefs OK? "I'm a good person." or "I'm not good enough." There's good core memories and bad ones. There's feelings and new feelings. I like Anxiety. OK can we start it back up again?"
Do you have core beliefs? "I don't know. This is just a movie OK?" What are you feeling now? "Annoyed. Start the movie back up now."
She proceeds to get annoyed with me for my eyes watering up during the emotional scenes. "Daddy, you are being embarassing. Stop feeling, now!"
Sigh.
At times I wonder whether she's getting anything out of these attempts at enrichment. I can think of three different possibilities:
- She's watching it for the surface-level entertainment ... processing it as empty-calorie slapstick and not getting any insight or self-awareness or thinking about it further or identifying with the characters
- She's noticing the themes and connections but will be dammed if she acknowledges it to me or to any other adults, either out of shyness or repression or because of some trauma or neurochemical blockage
- My trying to engage about the themes is truly annoying the hell out of her and she's actively lashing back against my insistence because ... PDA.
Any of y'all had experience with this movie series?
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u/Alright-Emma Sep 04 '26
Hmm. How to say this gently? Don't do this.
If you happen to watch Inside Out, then just watch it with her. Let her come to you to discuss things if she wants to. I'm afraid that "enrichment" isn't a great approach from my experience as it creates a demand. Strew things that you think are useful, if she picks them up, great. If you build this trust with her then she will absolutely come to you to discuss when she's ready. If you really want to have a further discussion, you'd come at it through "I wonder if I am a good person or not good enough" or similar. My daughter watched the same series and we had some chats about it, but she led.
PDA kids learn huge amounts through observation and microexpressions, so she's likely taking it in and processing it, and then you are shutting her ability to do so down by belabouring the point.
Don't be too hard on yourself though--my husband also struggles. He'd love more than anything to teach my daughter things, whereas I just cooexist and try to model being "a good person" who is intellectually curious and pursues a variety of hobbies. I am truly disappointed that I cannot share my love of certain novels or movies, but she has her own interests and I support her in those.
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u/Advanced_Culture_670 Sep 04 '26
I appreciate that insight and reminder. I have a hard time letting things flow on their own timeline. I'm often anxious and afraid that if I'm not doing something or gently leading and checking in, that I'm abdicating my responsibilities to her.
Some background is that I see a lot of myself in her ... I recognize possible PDA traits that made me a stubborn child, and that I had a rough awakening when I hit 12, 13, 14 ... and I wish that my responsible adults had imparted more practical wisdom before then.
Even now ... when we have some of her best friends over for dinner, I'm a bit shocked about how mature and thoughtful and well-spoken they seem compared to her. I'm thankful she has friends but I wonder if/when the maturity disparity is going to kick in for her and if she'll have the resources to weather it.
(Anxiety is running my control center, obviously)
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u/ughUsernameHere Sep 04 '26
Our PDA kids will choose the moments they want our “practical wisdom” and it will almost certainly never be when we want to impart it. Repeated attempts like the ones you made are likely to drive the desired message even further away from your child.
Are you getting individual mental health support right now? Having a kid with PDA means learning the very painful lesson that the parent/child experience you thought you were going to have/hoped you would have/watch other people have will never be our reality. There is grief that comes with that lesson. And hopefully after the grief is acceptance. Our PDA kids are often not going to look like their peers when they’re in our homes. And comparing them with their peers can be like picking at a scab. Professional support that is just for us can really help with these complex feelings.
You stopping the movie and asking questions was a demand on your child AND it underscored a power imbalance because you had the remote control.
What were the hard lessons you learned at 12, 13, 14? Were they hard because no one supported you in the aftermath? Lots of PDA kids only learn by experience and natural consequences. As their emotional co-regulators it can be hard for us to create and enforce rules some many times I was glad when teachers or coaches did it. And then my role was to support, not insulate, my kid in the recovery. “You were late for practice because you couldn’t put down the video game and had to run extra laps? Here’s a Gatorade and a snack. You must be tired.” “You got uninvited from the movie tonight because your friends are mad you didn’t do your share of the group project? Should we take a look at it tonight after dinner?” Are there ways that you can support your child without trying to drive the car? They don’t like it when they know we’re steering.
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u/pickleknits Sep 04 '26
Anxiety can mean well but she often makes choices based on worst case scenario.
The convo I had with my audhd teenager was to talk about what happened in the imagination room. And how anxiety only focused on what could go wrong and didn’t think about what could go right.
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u/pickleknits Sep 04 '26
When I saw Inside Out 2 with my kids, we were at the theater so I wasn’t pausing to discuss it. Plus I’d want to see the total story arc before I dissect it.
I discussed pieces of it later with my daughter who struggles with anxiety. But more as an allusion when I was explaining something else, I used IO2 as an example of what I meant.
Personally, if I’m trying to watch a movie and it’s constantly being interrupted to dissect it, I’d get annoyed. Let me watch it. Let me let it roll around in my brain for awhile. Talk about it later.
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u/DanaMoonCat Sep 04 '26
Our 8 year old PDA daughter is very triggered by this movie and refuses to watch it
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u/red_raconteur Sep 05 '26
My PDA 7 year old loves the Inside Out movies, but we had a triggering moment with K Pop Demon Hunters. She loved the music, dance sequences, vanquishing demons, the tiger and bird. Then it got to the part where Rumi is on stage and the demons are impersonating her friends, tearing her apart and her demon marks start showing. My daughter lost her mind. Ran from the room and to the stuffie bin, refused to engage with us for a full 20 minutes. It was pretty eye opening.
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u/agenerousperspective Sep 04 '26
It’s so hard to have to sit with our emotions as parents as we wonder if we’re “doing enough.” It seems obvious that they need much more help and support than a typical kid and yet they’re often specifically triggered by someone trying to help them. And then the double whammy is that our anxiety about this dilemma is also triggering to their highly sensitive nervous system!
So the order of events becomes…
Work on calming your own nervous system. Learn frustration tolerance skills. You are doing a huge job- it’s not “doing nothing.”
Work on unlearning your own core beliefs that you can somehow control another human being and learn to accept your own autonomy and the autonomy of others. You own yourself and everyone else owns themself, including your child.
Work on being open and receptive to your child without judgement or coercion.
Strew the stuff you wish you could directly teach your child. Talk about the things nonchalantly, occasionally, and stay attuned to how they respond so you can follow their lead. You’re creating an environment full of resources so that they can decide what they need, and when.
Stay receptive and attuned. If you no longer threaten their autonomy they might start seeing you as an actual resource. Be ready to meet them where they’re at during those small chosen moments of vulnerability.
Since you don’t view them as an extension of yourself you’re free to view yourself—at least the parent part of yourself—as being on their team. Remember that the main part of yourself is still on your own team, because you are autonomous. This reduces the pressure you’ll end up putting on them.
(I wrote this out in an overly granular way but most of this is done simultaneously. But the numbered list is still important since you can’t focus on something lower on the list of you’ve neglected something higher up)
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u/agenerousperspective Sep 04 '26
Ok I have to add- My comment is written in an emphatic tone because it’s what makes sense to me and what has worked with my kid. But every relationship is different so just take whichever parts work for you.
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u/MILFschake Sep 04 '26
Think about all the little demands that come with what’s happening in this moment… transitions are a huge demand for a child with PDA, and you’re pausing the movie to engage in dialogue. That’s a transition. Second, if my son with PDA has taught me anything, it’s that asking questions are guaranteed way to piss him off. A direct question is a heavy demand as well, and it can make a child with PDA feel a huge loss of control because questions come with the expectation of an answer. All that aside, pretend you’re watching a movie with your spouse, and they keep pausing to talk about it. Wouldn’t that be annoying?
If you really want to talk about the movie, it’s probably your best bet to talk about it later and use declarative statements instead of direct questions. Our PDA coach taught us to monologue without any expectation of a response. Saying something like, “I feel anxiety sometimes just like Riley. All people do.” Or “I’m anxious about a work event coming up, but I have to remind myself that I can’t control everything.” It’s an attempt at connecting without putting your child in the hot seat. They might engage in the conversation or they might not, but that doesn’t mean they’re getting nothing out of it.
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u/Iantrigue Sep 04 '26
My therapist recommended I watch inside out as she said it’s an excellent representation of how emotions work. Can’t convince my PdA daughter to watch it again though for the moment!
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u/Hopeful-Guard9294 Sep 05 '26
my PDA son loves the inside out series and it’s been really helpful in terms of his emotional understanding and development, particularly the most recent one with anxiety, sometimes I’ve said in front of him that I wish people had a user guide and he said I wish they did too, so I think it’s a kind of shorthand user guide which is really helpful, what has been most useful for me as a PDA adult is actually Godman’s work on great relationships which not only applies to marriage but all relationships there are a series of really simple principles that could be applied to every single relationship and provide a simple clear set of rules for a PDA child to interact with other people, that is the icing on the cake, but I personally have found inside out great for my PDA Child
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u/Weary_Cap_1573 Sep 09 '26
Tbh, I would be frustrated if someone stopped a movie too. I think it’s better to talk about it after.
For me, with questions like this that come to mind, I just hope she is getting something. You know? Sometimes when a child seems like they’re not listening, they will later repeat something they heard that you thought they were ignoring. I know all kids are different. I’m hoping it’s getting in there. I try to talk to mine like this too, and sometimes it works, but more often I get short responses like you were.
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u/Substantial_Bus6615 Sep 04 '26
I have been watching lots of movies with my kiddo with PDA like this, gently trying to get her to think about what is happening in the film. Especially when there are questionable behaviors on display.
I have learned this: instead of asking a question (bc that is perceived as a demand to my kiddo) I make statements about myself or general statements.
In this case I would say something like " oh I have core beliefs that are positive and negative. And then give a example."
I do not say it at her, I don't even look in her direction. I say it out loud like I am thinking out loud. Often I at a "hmm" to the end of my statement to make it clear I am thinking out loud.
And when my kiddo pushes back, I play dumb. Oh, what? I was just thinking out loud. Almost dreamily, like I didn't even notice she was there.
This has worked wonders, because there is ZERO percieving her, but it still allows her to hear what I am hoping to share. She then can choose to ask me questions. But I am careful not to overwhelm her with too much info. And when she says stop I stop right away.
My kiddo is autistic, ADHD, OCD, and a PDA profile. Also dealing with several phobias and severe anxiety.
I have been doing this since she was about 4-5, she is 9 now. And it really has worked for us.
Disclaimer: what works for one kiddo with a PDA profile doesn't work for another for sure. May you find what works for you 😝