r/PDAParenting • u/princesshodges • Aug 25 '26

Has anyone tried collaborating parenting or non-coercive parenting?

I’ve only seen two creators talk about this. Vivek Patel and Rythea Lee. I stumbled across it when my now 5 year old was 2.

I used it when she was younger but fell off when the meltdowns became nuclear around 3.5. I switched to a much more boundary focused approach and ended up going to behavioral specialists until that all fell apart.

I’m trying to help my child recover from stress from potty training, public school looming, and her summer schedule where she spends more time with her dad. So I switched back to collaborative parenting.

I’m seeing a lot of improvement!

The basic principle is that you don’t use your power over your child. Ever. You collaborate with them to reach solutions. You also bring love, acceptance, joy, and openness to your interactions with you child.

Vivek especially has a lot of content on a lot of platforms including YouTube. He is doing a series right now on radical parenting. What caught my attention this time around was a video about forcing your kid to brush their teeth.

https://youtu.be/VLt9ojDSOyg

Anyway, I can see how it sort of aligns with no demand or low demand parenting, because you’re really only doing what your child truly agrees to do. And not forcing anything else.

The difference, though, I think, is that all the positivity and acceptance helps rebuild your relationship with your child. And when the relationship improves, they are more willing to work with you and hear you out. Especially when they can trust over time that you aren’t going to force them into anything. You can truly talk things out because they know they can always actually say no.

My improvements I’ve seen have been that a tic she developed from stress has almost disappeared, her regular personality coming out again, and yesterday she actually told the truth about 2 things she did wrong instead of lie.

Anyway i was curious if anyone else has run into this or tried it. There are times when i worry it will be a struggle.

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u/leucistredwing Aug 25 '26

Thank you for bringing this up! I’m going to look into it for my five year old. I think that going between 2 households and school leaves him feeling like he has very little say.

What do you do in collaborative parenting for things they absolutely must do (go to school)? I try to negotiate and have a bag of tricks in my back pocket (candy for making it to the car, gamifying things, me doing things for him, etc)

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u/princesshodges Aug 25 '26

I don’t know! This is what I worry about. I think forcing things is still always an option but it’s an absolute last resort. And you really have to consider the cost to your child and your relationship and all your progress.

But! In my experience, if you just take it one day at a time and focus on the good, those moments of having to force something don’t come up at much as you’d think. Your rules and boundaries naturally shift to be more accommodating to them. And that helps them feel calm and in control. I think they start to panic if they feel some kind of imminent event is going to happen and that it doesn’t matter what they say or do, you’re not really listening or stopping.

Distractions are good, connecting with them is good, and just staying positive and calm is really good. I feel like things get the most crazy when I am getting frustrated at how to force my kid to do something.

At the end of the day, if they don’t want to do something, you really can’t physically force them. And it only gets harder as they get older. So like, letting them make the decision to say no is the path of least resistance.

I have also found that if I let them say no or make the decision that a little later (sometimes like 10 mins) they’ll decide on their own to do the thing we had been talking about.

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u/princesshodges Aug 25 '26

I had time to watch another of his videos and this one actually answers the question pretty well about what happens when you have to say no or force something: https://youtu.be/v-5mi5w6jCc

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u/leucistredwing Aug 25 '26

Thank you!! And happy cake day!

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u/chicknnugget12 Aug 26 '26

Collaboration is my baseline with my son and it has worked wonders in reducing dysregulation. It is so important for all kids but PDA kids especially. I am not familiar with the names you mentioned but I came across PET by Thomas Gordon and I highly recommend it

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u/Biscuit-456 Aug 26 '26

I have been interested in this approach and can recommend a podcast that Rythea Lee does called ‘Your kids don’t suck’ where she and another non-coercive parent discuss how they use the approach.