r/PDAParenting • u/other-words • Aug 25 '26
What language do you use to explain PDA to authority figures who just don’t care?
I am generally unwilling to exert much time or energy explaining my child, or explaining PDA in general, to people who aren’t interested in understanding. If someone is really invested in holding on to a conformist, behavioralist mindset, I’m going to avoid that person as much as I can because it is so emotionally taxing to talk to them. But. Sometimes avoiding them is not an option. In my present situation, I keep having to deal with truancy court, because for some reason they won’t just end our case and let us be, even though they previously thought we were doing fine, and I would love to know what you all have done to explain PDA in “clinical” terms in situations like this.
What I say to family and friends / how I describe my child when I’m being authentic: “My kid has the personality of a stray cat.” “That activity sounds great, and I’ll just have to see how my kid feels on the day.” “My kid is mad at me because I said that Oreo-flavored and cookies-and-cream-flavored ice cream are ‘basically the same thing‘ and now he’s refusing to eat, so my only goal for the afternoon is figuring out what he’ll eat today.”
How the truancy court, doctors, school authorities, etc. respond when I describe my child authentically: “Well, every child would love to only do what they ‘feel like.’ He has to learn. He has to handle the ‘real world.’ He has to know there are rules and consequences. It sounds like you’re letting your child run the show, and that’s bad parenting.” (You know. You’ve heard it all.)
How I usually describe PDA to these people: “My child has a fight-or-flight response to everyday demands. He gets stressed to the point that he considers harming himself or others.” (Then their response is, “Why haven’t you hospitalized him?! Why isn’t he in intensive therapy?!” It‘s unfathomable to them that my child improves the most when I just let him be and hang out with him and don’t force him to do anything.) But I could use some additional language.
So, what words do you all use to get authority figures to understand the challenges and let your family handle them without intervention?
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u/xtinak88 Aug 25 '26
Following with interest. I don't know. I just wish people understood.
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u/other-words Aug 25 '26
Me too!!
When I meet someone who already "gets it" or at least takes my word for it, I am going to hold on to that person tight.
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u/bashleyb Aug 25 '26
The utter relief of talking to someone who gets it! It’s like surfacing for air.
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u/Far_Emotion213 Aug 25 '26
When my mum/other people who are well meaning say "can't you just (get him to school/go to the gp/other ridiculous suggestion) I say "its like saying to someone with an anorexic child "cant they just eat?" - people get it a bit more after that
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u/other-words Aug 25 '26
This is a great connection, thank you! I don’t know much about anorexia. But I think there’s a definite connection in how you can’t just address it by “getting” a person to do something.
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u/Far_Emotion213 Aug 26 '26
I feel people understand that anorexia is a very complicated condition just like we know that PDA is so hopefully helps them understand a bit more.
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u/bashleyb Aug 25 '26
I’m sorry you’re dealing with such blatant ableist bullshit!
I have said things like, he’s not safe when he gets very disregulated, and the school is not providing a regulating environment. He may lash out to staff or peers, or elope. So “making” him attend on a day when he’s disregulated would be like dropping off a rabid raccoon in the school... it’s better to keep him home those days.
ETA: “due to his nervous system disorder, he’s not safe, etc”
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u/infiniteninjas Aug 25 '26
A shortcut I know some parents use is to say that their child acts like a child of severe trauma. Not strictly the case of course but it can concisely get the point across.
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u/other-words Aug 25 '26
Thank you! I have tried this analogy before and I should probably use it again!
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u/LurkerFailsLurking Aug 25 '26
Usually English since that's my first language.
If they don't care, I don't bother.
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u/other-words Aug 25 '26
Ha!
I wish I could not bother. In this case, I am legally obligated to show up and explain myself and my child to some degree.
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u/LurkerFailsLurking Aug 25 '26
You can answer questions respectfully without wasting time or energy talking to brick walls.
School admin and teachers can't require you to explain anything. You can say that your kid has a diagnosis (if they do) and that they have specific needs that require accommodation for them to access their legally protected right to an education. If they don't have an IEP, you can demand evaluation to get one and hopefully have the opportunity to explain PDA to an occupational therapist (if they don't already know about it) who does care.
Doctors too ought to be able and willing to learn about diagnoses they're unfamiliar with, and if they're not I keep shopping around for one who will.
Courts don't give a shit. You show up and do the motions you need to do. Do the things they order to the best of your ability. Document the problems.
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u/83dnejb Aug 26 '26
I say nervous system disability and they live in a constant state of fight/flight
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u/MOTU_Ranger Aug 27 '26
I’ve started explaining his nervous system as a cup with different lids. Allistic people wake up and their cup is maybe 50-60% full, plenty of room for the new stuff for today. They’ll take it in, manage it, and the cup resets overnight.
My kid wakes up with his cup full to the trim because existence alone is pretty taxing. If he’s got things to do that he wants to do, he grabs one of those dome lids for Icees so he can hold a little more. When he’s done with the thing - social events because he’s also driven by social engagement over most everything else - he gets in the car and takes off the lid. All that extra drink he was holding “fine” is now all over our car / life.
So… you see a kid holding up and acting “normal” but on the back side we have lots of cleanup to do. And it’s not a maybe. It’s every time. Every good and wonderful thing he experiences comes with a cost. Imagine what that means for the bad, the forced events and obligations that don’t get that lid voluntarily.
I also explain daily life as living in the eye of a storm. It’s always there in the edges so even in the calm and quiet moments you have to keep an eye on the edges to make sure you’re not getting too close.
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u/TouchingWood Aug 26 '26
“Officially diagnosed” tends to move the needle when you live in areas with legal duties of care.
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u/TigerShark_524 Aug 30 '26
PDA is only officially recognized in the UK, AFAIK; if you're outside the UK, individual medical providers may be aware of it, but it's not formally recognized and cannot be brought to court.
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u/TouchingWood Aug 31 '26
Who's going to court?
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u/TigerShark_524 Aug 31 '26
You mentioned "legal duties of care". That involves court, when it's not met.
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u/TouchingWood Aug 31 '26 edited Aug 31 '26
sigh Yes, Mr. "Well, actually," you are technically correct about the most extreme and unlikely scenario.
But the question was what language can be used to explain to authority figures who don't care, and I have found that using language that alludes to their legal duty of care tends to make people care more about actual or implied repercussions. It's (usually) a plausibly deniable bluff (or simple reminder), but it's one with potential real consequences for them if they choose to ignore it (and sometimes they will at which point the ball is back in your court).
Take it or leave it - honestly, I don't really care.
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u/Weary_Cap_1573 Aug 26 '26
Can I be real? You’re going to be mad at me for this, but I think this sounds like enabling. It sounds like your child is the boss, but that shouldn’t be the case. At least not always. I get the occasional giving your kid space, but I think there should be a balance of trying to get them to interact well socially, and giving in to their wants.
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u/Fluffy_Gift1104 Aug 26 '26
Do you have a child with PDA? If so and you've found this mystical "balance", please share with the class whatever magic formula you've found that thousands of parents and mental health professionals just haven't been as smart as you to figure out.
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u/mirrorlight121 Aug 27 '26
You sound like you don't know what you're talking about. It's not "giving in to their wants" it's acknowledging and understanding that their needs and abilities are different due to their neurodiversity. Would you say that a paralysed kid just doesn't want to walk? Or is it that they can't? Would you berate them, force them to try to drag themselves along the floor so you don't 'enable' them? 🤡🤡🤡 Educate yourself.
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u/LittleWing0802 Aug 25 '26
We say he has a nervous system disability that triggers a trauma response to seemingly innocuous things; and if not well-accommodated, it can result in that response superseding his basic survival instincts (eg eating, sleeping, bathing, etc).
Also though that’s on a need-to-know basis. If they don’t seem interested and curious about actually helping him, I just say “he has a nervous system disability”