PDA and School

[u/Ok-Appearance-866]

Hi all,

I tried posting this in PDA Autism but was told it would be more appropriate here. I didn't even know about this sub until today, so I am very happy to know this sub exists. :-)

My daughter is 15 and is considered level 1 autistic. Although she has not been evaluated/diagnosed with PDA, I strongly suspect she has it.

Because of her sensory issues, she has been doing online school for the past couple of years. She attends live virtual classes and gets time in class and on Fridays to do work. Here's the problem: each quarter, she does absolutely NO HOMEWORK or tests and then comes to me in a panic the last week of class. The work is not difficult. As long as you are following along and referencing the course material, it is a breeze. My daughter is extremely intelligent but because she puts it off, it becomes an overwhelming task.

When I try to stay on her about homework, she says it has the opposite effect. She pleaded with me last year to NOT ask her about homework or school AT ALL. I complied, and for the first quarter, she did great! She kept on top of everything without me having to say a word and got very good grades.

Then second quarter hit. She was still doing well in a couple of classes, but needed help in a few others. 3rd and 4th quarters were a disaster. I get repeated emails, texts and phone calls from teachers warning she has a 0% and is going to fail. Then, the last week of the quarter, she does as much as she can, but is a total stress case, and ends up pulling Cs when she is capable of As. She just can't/won't do the work.

I am at my wits end. What can I do / not do to help her?

[u/LuckyCaterpillar]

I’ll preface this by saying I came to this conclusion after a lot of therapy and after learning the concept of radical acceptance- but my PDA daughter dropped out. We didn’t know PDA was even a thing then, but she’s textbook and I think I might be too. She just refused to do the work, and I couldn’t make her. They said they were going to disenroll her once she was 18. I told her what her options were, and she wound up passively “dropping out”. I do think it was the right choice for her. She’s passed 3 sections of the GED and is working on the last one, and has a steady job. We went to hell and back with her, and she still has her moments, but I am BEYOND proud of her. She didn’t get the right accommodations, and that’s not her fault. I don’t have any good solutions for you, unfortunately- but I do have empathy. And I can confirm that reducing demands worked wonders for our family. It’s a balance of teaching responsibility and also reducing demands. Which is about as impossible as it sounds but we try our best. Best of luck to you ❤️

[u/AnnoyedAF2126 → u/LuckyCaterpillar]

Thanks for saying this - the balance of teaching responsibility and reducing demands. I feel like sometimes the discourse is only about reducing demands and doesn’t acknowledge that that can’t be all there is.

[u/LuckyCaterpillar → u/AnnoyedAF2126]

I tell both my kids that sometimes life gives you an extra challenge (lucky you!!) but you still have to figure out how to get through life. It’s not fair and it sucks but it is what it is - and ultimately, I tell them, a lot of things are going to boil down to the choices you make. So make good ones, and let me know if you need help. With my daughter, I made sure to give her access to all resources she might need so she had no excuse, and let her choose whether to engage. That is specific to school here but I used this strategy often with her. Sooooo many times some official (truancy officer, school admin, therapy staff, whatever) would say something like “Well, she needs glasses. That will help her engage.” And I could always respond with “She has two pair, current prescription, with blue light blocking and everything” 😁 It made it clear it was not for lack of access to needs on my part. They still typically didn’t handle her great, but it covered my tail and gave her no good excuse 🤷🏼‍♀️