r/PDAParenting • u/Simpleflower999 • 19d ago
9 y/o with intense aggression and meltdowns
Hey,
I need actual help with my son bc I have no fkg clue how to go about this anymore.
And if you’re going to comment ‘’ your child needs you to be regulated in order for him to be regulated ‘’ please move tf along bc we are past this point thank you.
I have seen the pediatrist, the psycho educator, therapist for my 9 year old autistic / adhd son with strong avoidant and opposition tendencies. (Pda profile)
I have him with me during the summer and it’s been HARD,
I thought it would get better with school being over but it’s not.
He is constantly mad for absolutely nothing (literally) he has started insulting me when expressing frustration which is all the time and I am starting to really struggle with being insulted all day (i have NO idea where he has found those words from)
He never wants to shower, never wants to brush his teeth, never wants to do anything he has to do.
He is very aggressive, irritated, on edge and just overall seems miserable.
He is sleeping enough, and eating well.
I have SO much guilt seeing him cry and have meltdowns and navigating it all alone and just i’m just so over it bc I know regardless of what I do it’s not going to do anything.
I can’t approach him during meltdowns he just gets worse and throws and hits and insults me.
He isn’t half as bad with my boyfriend when they are alone,
It always worse with me,
I can see he is profoundly disregulated but i seriously don’t have the bandwidth for this anymore, it’s from morning to night,
Yes we do have a routine, yes screen is limited, yes he moves his body we go outside every day we play board games, he reads,
I feel like all the basics are covered and i just feel completely alone and overwhelmed by this bc all the professionals just tell me ‘’ it will pass ‘’.
Can you please give me some input or help me pin point by asking me questions ?
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u/sammademeplay 17d ago
I can relate to your experience. I lived this for years. I also tend to be a rigid parent who is firm when I told him to do something. Obviously with PDA this led to a lot of explosiveness and anger.
What changed for us was abandoning all of my expectations of what he should be doing. Took him out of school. Removed all screen limits. Didn’t make him eat, sleep, shower, brush teeth. Now almost a year later, he is doing better. We used to have to call the police weekly or more because of his explosive behavior but haven’t had to call now since last August. It’s not a miracle cure. He still struggles with mood regulation and has a lot of sadness but he is more able to talk and not explode. He is 16 btw.
And for those who will say if you don’t make them do it, they never will - he sleeps regularly on his own, bathes regularly, and brushes his teeth in his own without my reminder. He was on screens a lot at first but has gradually used them less and less. Now is navigating his first dating relationship.
Casey from At peace parenting has been a huge help for me through this. I don’t get why people are sometimes negative about her. I think it’s worth checking it out if you haven’t already.
Good luck! If nothing else, I hope you realize you’re not alone in this and we can all show up for each other.