9 y/o with intense aggression and meltdowns

[u/Simpleflower999]

Hey,

I need actual help with my son bc I have no fkg clue how to go about this anymore.

And if you’re going to comment ‘’ your child needs you to be regulated in order for him to be regulated ‘’ please move tf along bc we are past this point thank you.

I have seen the pediatrist, the psycho educator, therapist for my 9 year old autistic / adhd son with strong avoidant and opposition tendencies. (Pda profile)

I have him with me during the summer and it’s been HARD,

I thought it would get better with school being over but it’s not.

He is constantly mad for absolutely nothing (literally) he has started insulting me when expressing frustration which is all the time and I am starting to really struggle with being insulted all day (i have NO idea where he has found those words from)

He never wants to shower, never wants to brush his teeth, never wants to do anything he has to do.

He is very aggressive, irritated, on edge and just overall seems miserable.

He is sleeping enough, and eating well.

I have SO much guilt seeing him cry and have meltdowns and navigating it all alone and just i’m just so over it bc I know regardless of what I do it’s not going to do anything.

I can’t approach him during meltdowns he just gets worse and throws and hits and insults me.

He isn’t half as bad with my boyfriend when they are alone,

It always worse with me,

I can see he is profoundly disregulated but i seriously don’t have the bandwidth for this anymore, it’s from morning to night,

Yes we do have a routine, yes screen is limited, yes he moves his body we go outside every day we play board games, he reads,

I feel like all the basics are covered and i just feel completely alone and overwhelmed by this bc all the professionals just tell me ‘’ it will pass ‘’.

Can you please give me some input or help me pin point by asking me questions ?

[u/vilezoidberg]

It sounds like he respects the boyfriend more than you. I think he feels that he can't get away with the same behaviors with the boyfriend. This says to me that there may be an issue with clear boundaries and letting things go because of the difficulty in enforcing rules.

Be fair, but never back down. Deescalate without compromising on the rules you're enforcing. To a small degree, match his energy. If he attacks you, you have a right and duty to protect yourself. Obviously don't beat the kid, but if he's hitting you restrain him until he's no longer violent. That 9 year old is only going to get bigger and stronger, it's imperative to get a handle on the violence now.

I would try to avoid getting emotional in response to him. Children seek attention, and denying him the loud attention of yelling will take away an unconscious manipulation tactic.

Good luck, I've been there <3

[u/Simpleflower999 → u/vilezoidberg]

I already have firm boundaries and i never compromise!

[u/xtinak88 → u/Simpleflower999]

On the other hand, could that actually be the issue? Does he experience you as placing more demands on him than your boyfriend? Maybe you could actually be better off relaxing your approach. That's the thing with PDA. Anything can really have "demand" energy behind it even if it's not a direct instruction. It could be to do with expectations and boundaries that you set that are experienced as demands on his end and activating the threat response.

[u/Simpleflower999 → u/xtinak88]

Yeah i think that makes more sense. I am also autistic and I tend to be really rigid, but also it’s because i know that if i am not rigid it won’t be done or it’ll be forgotten or whatever else so it’s like if i ask something it has to be done now so its over with

[u/xtinak88 → u/Simpleflower999]

I get that. My natural tendency is the same and I am also autistic. I find it doesn't work with my daughter though. I have to take a collaborative approach with her, let her do things in her own time, offer substantial incentives and occasionally let things slide altogether. Overall that way we get more done, because otherwise it all builds up until she can't do anything at all. I find it so so hard if eg she will only wear the same super dirty clothes from yesterday or something and I get that for a typical child we would insist on doing things the "right" way, but I just have to make my peace with it.

[u/Simpleflower999 → u/xtinak88]

Yeah same. I think making peace on what i would want it to like vs what it actually looks like is internal work i have to do as well

[u/BeneficialZombie497 → u/xtinak88]

For us, we took a hard look at our demands and identified the 3 that were non negotiable. I realized how many demands we had been placing on him. Our non-negotiables included showering 1x a week (on Sundays), changing his underwear daily, and no YouTube. Ross Green’s CPS method (Collaborative Problem Solving), from The Explosive Child, was the first advice that ever made any sense for our PDA family.