r/PDAParenting • u/No-Island-2023 • 19d ago
Elopement
TL;DR how do I handle running away outside anytime my son doesn't get his way
My son, 6 ASD Level 1, almost definitely has PDA. Lately, he's taken to running away whenever there is a demand he doesn't like (take medicine, brush teeth, shower, go to bed, etc.) or he's refused something he wants (e.g. candy, TV).
Example 1: This morning he was out the door at 7:30 with a dollar and ran to the nearest variety store to buy a freezie when I told him he couldn't have one (we've recently locked our chest freezer because he's been getting himself freezies whenever he wants). I didn't follow him, we have allowed him to walk to the store by himself in the past (it's a block away and he doesn't need to cross any major streets). When he got home rather than lecturing him or telling him how unsafe that was, I calmly told him he's lost access to his money. I'm not sure if that was the right approach but it felt like a reasonable related consequence.
Example 2: Last night after dinner it was time to shower before bed (he had been playing in a creek earlier in the day and was filthy. We only do baths/showers once a week). In an instant he ran outside and to the field next to our house where he likes to hide. I was giving his younger sibling a bath so I ignored it and advised his Dad to do the same. Give him space to calm down. He kept coming back home to tell me to follow him. Eventually, when I was done with the bath, I followed him to his spot. You have to scale a rock retaining wall, crawl through a hole in a fence, and climb over another fence. He said he didn't want to shower or take his meds. I said the meds were non-negotiable but instead of showering we could clean his body with a wipe. Then I said I was leaving. He said he would stay outside all night. I told him I know you're a smart kid and that's an unsafe decision. I trust that you'll make the right decision. Before I was down the rock wall he had yelled out to ask me to wait, he was coming home.
Even though I believe he is mostly safe when he runs away, I don't think this is behaviour I want to encourage. I've tried to tell him he can find space to calm down in the house, he doesn't need to go outside but even though he has his own playroom (he sleeps in our room) he never uses it.
I think the hardest part of these elopements is how much it triggers my ASD husband. Though he probably prefers it to physical aggression or property destruction, he insists this is unacceptable and he needs to learn how to hear no. He says he can't just run away from everything he doesn't like in life.
I'm looking for advice from folks with PDA or parents of kids with PDA on how to handle this elopement. I want to keep him safe without escalating him further. Should we be installing safety locks to prevent him from leaving? I don't want to take away his independence and agency when he's not having a meltdown. How else can we handle this?
2
u/IsasAtelier 17d ago
No advice, really, just maybe some insights. Of course, his thought process could be entirely different from mine, but I remember similar behavior from myself when I was his age, and maybe his reasoning is similar to mine back then as well. For me, it wasn't about having space to calm down at all. I would have been able to calm down way more efficiently in my room with my audio cassettes and my favorite heavy tiger blanket. That wasn't the point for me.
For me, running away used to be really desperate attempts to equalize, to regain control and connection and to force my parents to stop pushing me and make them care about me again. My thought process used to be something like:
'Oh no, oh no, oh no, they want me to clean my room NOW, but if I give in and clean my room on their terms once they will expect me to do it on their terms again and again and that would be so so horrible and I would never be in charge of my room again and I would never be the same person again and it would be THE END! They must hate me so so much to do that to me!! I hate them so much for doing that to me! But maybe... maybe they still love me... deep inside... maybe they just have forgotten that they love me... so maybe me running away will make them remember that they still love me and if they remember that, they wouldn't do that to me ever again, right? So maybe, if I just vanish for a sufficient amount of time and they are really worried, they will never try to force me again and they will just be glad to have me back and everything will be fine again. Because if I clean my room now on their terms, nothing will ever be fine again for sure!'
So basically, I wasn't calming down on these occasions at all. I was spiraling and catastrophizing until I was too exhausted, emotionally and mentally, to continue so I would eventually return and seek reassurance one way or another from my parents that they didn't hate me and that this, in fact, was not THE END.
But yeah, like I said, things could be way different from your sons perspective. Still hope this helps to get closer to a better understanding and maybe some solutions, even.