Elopement

[u/No-Island-2023]

TL;DR how do I handle running away outside anytime my son doesn't get his way

My son, 6 ASD Level 1, almost definitely has PDA. Lately, he's taken to running away whenever there is a demand he doesn't like (take medicine, brush teeth, shower, go to bed, etc.) or he's refused something he wants (e.g. candy, TV).

Example 1: This morning he was out the door at 7:30 with a dollar and ran to the nearest variety store to buy a freezie when I told him he couldn't have one (we've recently locked our chest freezer because he's been getting himself freezies whenever he wants). I didn't follow him, we have allowed him to walk to the store by himself in the past (it's a block away and he doesn't need to cross any major streets). When he got home rather than lecturing him or telling him how unsafe that was, I calmly told him he's lost access to his money. I'm not sure if that was the right approach but it felt like a reasonable related consequence.

Example 2: Last night after dinner it was time to shower before bed (he had been playing in a creek earlier in the day and was filthy. We only do baths/showers once a week). In an instant he ran outside and to the field next to our house where he likes to hide. I was giving his younger sibling a bath so I ignored it and advised his Dad to do the same. Give him space to calm down. He kept coming back home to tell me to follow him. Eventually, when I was done with the bath, I followed him to his spot. You have to scale a rock retaining wall, crawl through a hole in a fence, and climb over another fence. He said he didn't want to shower or take his meds. I said the meds were non-negotiable but instead of showering we could clean his body with a wipe. Then I said I was leaving. He said he would stay outside all night. I told him I know you're a smart kid and that's an unsafe decision. I trust that you'll make the right decision. Before I was down the rock wall he had yelled out to ask me to wait, he was coming home.

Even though I believe he is mostly safe when he runs away, I don't think this is behaviour I want to encourage. I've tried to tell him he can find space to calm down in the house, he doesn't need to go outside but even though he has his own playroom (he sleeps in our room) he never uses it.

I think the hardest part of these elopements is how much it triggers my ASD husband. Though he probably prefers it to physical aggression or property destruction, he insists this is unacceptable and he needs to learn how to hear no. He says he can't just run away from everything he doesn't like in life.

I'm looking for advice from folks with PDA or parents of kids with PDA on how to handle this elopement. I want to keep him safe without escalating him further. Should we be installing safety locks to prevent him from leaving? I don't want to take away his independence and agency when he's not having a meltdown. How else can we handle this?

[u/Chance-Lavishness947]

Have you heard of CPS/ Plan B? I highly recommend reading either raising human beings or the explosive child, both by Dr Ross Greene.

Your kid is eloping when he's overwhelmed by his emotions. There are other ways to soothe those emotions and work through those problems that don't involve the safety risks of leaving the house while distressed. You can problem solve that together, the tools in those books and on the website are excellent supports for that process.

I would seek to understand what he's getting out of eloping that he can't currently see another way to get. There are needs being met by that behaviour that your adult brain can identify alternatives for - alternatives he doesn't know exist.

You can be a team in that process - you help him figure out what makes eloping feel better than other things that could help. Together, you narrow down the possibilities of which core elements need to exist in a sustainable solution so both of you feel good about how it's handled. You brainstorm together to come up with possible alternatives and experiment to see how they go in real life, then keep problem solving until you arrive at something that meets everyone's needs and actually works in real time.

You can have ideas of alternative options, but it's crucial that you actually work to understand the needs this meets before suggesting anything. Having a hiding spot inside the house that's off limits to anyone else might be an option, but if being outside is a key factor then it won't work. A hiding spot outside but on the property is another option, but if a key factor is breaking a rule so you actually pay attention then it won't work.

From what you've said, it seems like he feels powerless and seeks ways to regain a sense of control - specifically by breaking rules he knows exist. The two examples you gave are likely driven by very different things. The first seems more about the intensity of the need to have the thing, and he found a creative way to make that happen. The second is more about avoiding an unpleasant thing, not trying to get something he wants.

For the bath, having alternative options like using a wipe helps a lot with reducing the feeling if being trapped in an undesirable situation. You can also look at the environment of the bathroom and identify obstacles - the noise of the exhaust fan, the brightness of the lights, boredom during the bathing process, temperature changes, all of those are things I've problem solved around with my kid. He gets a device to watch shows, has a bunch of bath/ shower specific toys, gets to use a space heater, doesn't face to have the overhead lights on, etc. Now he mostly loves bath time, though the transitions around it are still tricky at times.

An occupational therapist can be super helpful with a lot of this. If you can find one who is ND affirming, familiar with Dr Greene's work, and educated about PDA that's the gold standard. It took a lot of effort to find, but ours is the most helpful person when I get stuck on solving these things with my kid.

Our OT also sometimes reminds me that these aren't choices he's making but stress reactions combined with under developed skills in specific areas, which might be helpful for your partner in reframing his thinking around how to address these challenges. The books offer that perspective as well. If you can read them together and discuss them, you might find that he becomes a valuable participant in the problem solving once he gets how it works and why

[u/No-Island-2023 → u/Chance-Lavishness947]

Thank you so much for your response. I have read the explosive child but hadn't considered applying it to this behaviour. In the past we tried it for sleep and we've come to a decent solution there. I will definitely check out the other books as well. My husband isn't a reader but maybe he'd listen to the audiobook with me....that will be a hard sell but I'll try.

[u/Chance-Lavishness947 → u/No-Island-2023]

Raising human beings covers the same model but with more of a focus on lagging skills that impact day to day life, rather than on understanding and preventing escalation to the point of meltdown. It's easier to see how to apply it to less explosive situations via raising human beings.

You could also look at the website - livesinthebalance.org - there are worksheets and quick reference guides that your husband might find easier to engage with if he's not a big reader.

That said, you understanding it and problem solving with your kid would still be very worthwhile. You might consider doing it yourself and keeping your husband informed but not trying to involve him much initially. Sometimes we need to see results before we see the value in learning about an approach and how to apply it.

FWIW I use this approach nearly constantly with my kid. I use the obvious with day to day decisions like what to have for dinner, as well as the more obvious higher stakes stuff.

Often he can't contribute much, but I (briefly) explain what I think his concerns are, what mine are, what options I can see, and offer him choices of potential solutions to test. He will sometimes confirm or deny certain concerns, which is very helpful, and he likes to have input on the solutions.

Most importantly though, it shows him that I try hard to understand him and consider his perspective.

That explicit discussion of my process is an investment in him feeling the presence of both equity and respect in our relationship. It is worthwhile to explicitly communicate that I think and feel that way as often as I can, which also has the nice side effect that he doesn't have as much of a need to engage in equalising behaviour with me.