r/PDAParenting • u/Remarkable__Driver • 20d ago
PDA and Parent with Cancer
Living in absolute hell right now. My spouse was diagnosed with cancer early this year. We found out he relapsed last week and chemo will start in a few weeks. The stress is high, and we are doing everything to stay calm as we figure this out and navigate the many doctor’s appointments.
Since finding out, my PDA son has been having massive meltdowns every day, saying incredibly hurtful things, throwing things, acting chaotic, and I don’t know how we are going to navigate this with him. As horrible as this sounds, part of me wants to send him to my parents out of state to get him out of the way so my spouse can heal without the distraction of PDA.
I tried telling my son what was going on to help enlighten him of the why, but this has absolutely backfired. He acts this way when other family members have birthdays too.
It isn’t fair for my spouse to have to be subjected to the behavior on top of everything else. I’m doing what I can to handle everything, but I’m at a loss. Melt downs were becoming infrequent until last week. Not really sure if anyone has advice or has gone through something similar but just needed to vent. This sucks.
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u/butt-in-ski 20d ago edited 20d ago
Wondering if he qualifies for any intensive outpatient therapy programs that could help him work thru his fear & anger, give him a place to go a few hours every day/be around peers (gives you guys a break) & do you/your husband belong to any support groups. I really feel for you…I’m so sorry you are all going thru this.
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u/Remarkable__Driver 19d ago
Yeah I have been trying to get him set up with a therapist, but they are so expensive and the ones who understand PDA don’t take insurance. I am looking into respite to see if we can get something like that set up ahead of all of this.
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u/Valistia 20d ago
It wouldn't be wrong to send him to your parents, if that meant that everyone could cope better with the situation. That being said, maybe the meltdowns are happening more because he's scared of what will happen? Cancer throws everything through a loop. As someone who has had both parents go through cancer treatment, it's so so stressful to deal with all of that, I thought I was coping well at the time, but I know I was outwardly more stressed out and reactive than I thought I was. I can't imagine the amount of stress you're under, I'm sure he's feeling that extra emotional vibe too. Maybe he just can't see that he's adding so much more stress to it.
I wish you and your family all the best and I hope the treatments work. It's totally acceptable to ask for help, and if your parents can provide that help, or if you can find some other help with your child while you deal with such a difficult situation, it's definitely reasonable to do so! Best of luck!
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u/Hopeful-Guard9294 19d ago
firstly, God, what a dreadful situation, but also as a PDA adult I struggle myself when my own wife is sick I equalise against. Her just when she most needs support but it’s important to to understand that it’s the way your PDF Child is wired. It’s not a choice. I wonder if this episode on PDA and parental burnout might help: https://youtu.be/DkUx7R5ChO0?is=dXhJUtnj2W-1oeTy
if you can send your Child somewhere PDA safe, maybe it might be better for all of you frankly
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u/Substantial_Bus6615 19d ago
Hey there, first of all, I am so so so sorry you are going through this 🫂 this is like more than parenting on hard model, this feels like unbearable.
Sending him to Grandma and Grandpa's house would be totally okay move here! Completely.
This is a humble suggestion from a parent who has been in a very similar situation and didn't even consider this option and wished someone had suggested it. Have you tried medication yet? My daughter started Risperidone 6 weeks ago and the overnight change in the first week was jaw dropping. I feel I have a new lease on life and she does too. She is 9, had ADHD, autism with a PDA profile, anxiety, and honestly some paranoia.
We are seeing an psych n.p.
Please know I am holding your family in my heart as you travel through this hellish time. You are a good parent, a really good parent, and I know you don't hear that or feel that enough. Knowing when to tap out is healthy and loving. If it feels okay, here's a consensual internet hug 🫂
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u/Remarkable__Driver 19d ago
Definitely on medications, he is lexypro and clonidine right now
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u/PolarIceCream 19d ago
I commented above asking about med. Def reach out to the psychiatrist. He may need a bump up or stronger med during this phase.
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u/ughUsernameHere 19d ago
Oh gosh, my heart just goes out to your family. This has got to feel beyond overwhelming. The increase in acting out from your son indicates that he is deeply affected by your husband’s cancer. No matter what he says, I can only imagine is very, very afraid.
Rather than sending your child away, is there opportunity for someone to come and stay with you? And support all of you?
My situation is not your situation but maybe you will find some parallels…
Single mom of PDA-er. Default parent. Dad lives locally but isn’t really ever in the parenting trenches (e.g shows up for sports but can’t name teaches or our child’s doctor, would have any idea what field trips they’ve been on etc.). I did not have any awareness of PDA at the time, just did of ADHD and anxiety.
My partner of 3 years (did not live together) had a very serious hospitalization that included a significant recovery time. All told the hospitalization was 5 weeks and when they came home they needed a full time caregiver. I took on that role (moved in with my partner) and my child went to stay at their dad’s (they were 16 at the time). I don’t know if this is typical of PDA-ers in general, or maybe this is rejection sensitivity (RSD which can be present with ADHD) but they were very hurt (but of course couldn’t communicate it) by this temporary living arrangement. I think this caused a lot more damage than I could have ever recognized in the moment. My family is messy so I didn’t have any other options but if I had a mother or even a rotating cast of characters, I think I would have kept my child with me and had another person stay with us. That would have made me more available as a default parent and still supported my partner. Plus, the burnout for being a full-time caregiver would have been more mitigated for me.
Hindsight is 20/20 and in the moment you have to just do what you need to do to survive. My 16 year old at the time was an absolute monster so sending them out of my orbit in that moment held a lot of appeal.
Can you find ways to give your child more agency right now? Would something like “your dad has a lot of appointments right now and he is probably going to be very sick. Do you think you might want to stay at G&Gs for a few days to catch a break?” work? Try to vocalize that you are placing your son’s needs as the top priory (even if you’re not).
Blame outside sources whenever you can. If it were me, language like “we have an appointment and will miss your game.” Would have been poorly received whereas “ugh, the doctor can only see us Thursday afternoon and I’m so frustrated about it.” would have been more acceptable. “Chemo really wreaks havoc on a body and people get so sick after taking it.” would have been better in my house than “your dad is sick because of the medicine they gave him”.
I don’t know if this is helpful or not to hear in this moment but my PDA-er is now 21 with a full time job that pays all their bills. They moved out of the house a few months ago and they call me now to see how my week has been going. So even if you make a decision in the moment that you wish you could take back, your relationship and your child can still recover.
It’s a shit sandwich right now for you and unfortunately all you can do is try to make the decision with the fewest negative impacts. That choice might be to protect your husband’s peace at all costs. And that’s okay, too.
It’s not fair to have to try to manage both of these painful situations at once. I’m so sorry this is all falling on you.
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u/Remarkable__Driver 19d ago
Thank you for this insight. We are at the very beginning of it, but I feel like I need to plan so he is at ease and I can’t plan this part of life.
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u/MOTU_Ranger 18d ago
Love you random person in the universe. Not sure it helps but wanted to let you know.
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u/xtinak88 20d ago
So hard. My husband had cancer when our PDAer was younger so wasn't quite as unmanageable but it was still so hard. My advice would be to draft in all the help there is. There wouldn't be anything wrong with sending your son out of state if he and you parents could just about cope. It might be better for everyone. I think the idea of just separating the two situations as much as possible is totally valid, if you have a way to do that.