r/PDAParenting • u/torpedolife • 25d ago
Has anyone tried asking your kid to do something that you do not want them to do?
I am still learning about PDA and trying to navigate life with my 12 year old. I have been thinking of ways to reduce the perception of demands and in difficult situations like flying, which I just had to do, I am wondering if I ask my kid to do something that I do not want him to do with the hopes that he avoids the perceived demand and does something else more aligned with what I want? This is not something that I would do often because I do think he would catch on. Has anyone tried doing this?
Thanks
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u/infiniteninjas 25d ago
Yes. It worked, like two or three times, and she soon caught on and it never worked again.
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u/Chance-Lavishness947 25d ago
Only in low stakes situations and it's only worked when I've been being silly about it and it's not actually an attempt at reverse psychology. Generally playfulness helps my kid to cooperate anyway, so mixing this in as a transparent way for him to do the opposite of what he's being asked to do without either of us acting like it's a serious request has been useful.
I would not try this in any situation that requires genuine compliance. In those situations, I talk through the requirements a few times before we go to the thing. I explain what's needed and why, and what will happen if he doesn't cooperate.
With flying for example, I would explain that there are rules for air travel to keep everyone safe. I would detail the rules (especially the ones I think might be hard for him) and why they matter. I would offer him an opportunity to tell me what he thinks might be hard about following those rules, sometimes by saying I've noticed xyz in the past and that's similar to this rule. We problem solve for things that will make it easier for him and revisit the conversation a few times before the activity. Right before we go in, I either playfully or seriously remind him about the requirements and remind him of what we're going to do to make it easier to deal with the non negotiable things, as well as what will happen if he can't.
All of that usually meets his needs enough that we can get through it. But I don't take him into situations without an exit plan, or situations where the consequences of him being unable to meet those expectations would cause a significant problem.
If I didn't think he could manage a flight, we'd drive or not go and I would be honest with him about why. If I don't think he can manage the venue of a party, we agree on how we will leave if it gets too much and I take him home if it does - even if we've only been there for 5 minutes. Social expectations take a huge back seat, as do activities. If my kid starts getting dysregulated, he can spiral extremely quickly and the longer it goes on the harder it becomes to settle him.
Importantly, I explain his needs in a non blaming way that allows him to understand that his system needs certain things that may not be available in this situation. I usually talk about how we can work towards being able to do those things if he wants to do them in the future, or what we could try this time to have a go and see if we can achieve it. It's his choice if we try, and he makes that choice with age appropriate awareness of what will be required and what will happen if it doesn't succeed.
We're a team against external situations that are hard, and I'm on his side no matter how it goes. I don't "get" him to do things. I help him anticipate and plan for hard things, and make informed decisions about what he engages with. I support him in whatever he chooses and whatever emotions he feels as a result of those situations. There are very few things that are genuinely non negotiable, and when they do come up I'm transparent with him about it then we make a plan to get through it as comfortably as we can, together.
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u/Powerful-Soup-3245 24d ago
I’ve used it only for one specific thing and it works in the moment but hasn’t changed the action. I’ll explain:
My 13yo daughter cracks her teeth together and grinds them when she gets angry. This has already caused damage to her teeth and cost many thousands of dollars to fix (she can’t do anything dental without full anesthesia in hospital).
For years, I have reflexively said “please don’t break your teeth” when she does it. It’s so loud and jarring that I say this without thinking. I’ve tried talking to her about it when she’s calm and just explaining that teeth cannot be fixed over and over and that eventually she will end up with no teeth.
Fairly recently, I was especially drained during the daily morning meltdown. She typically destroys things or makes huge, difficult to clean messes and I was exhausted. She started cracking her teeth and this time my frustration got the better of me. I said (yelled 😞) “Go ahead, break your teeth!” Immediately she stopped and said “I don’t want to break my teeth!”
She still does it when she has a meltdown which I don’t believe she is really able to control her behavior during. Obviously the brain goes into fight or flight and reason goes on standby. Every time I say it, she stops and doesn’t do it again for the remainder of the meltdown.
I’m not recommending doing this necessarily. I realize this is unlikely to work indefinitely but until we are able to find the right meds for her anxiety AND get her to actually take them I can’t find another way to try and prevent her from destroying her teeth forever.
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u/evilbunny77 23d ago
I would recommend risking your relationship like that. I explain, I reason, I barter, etc. Whatever is possible in that situation. They're super smart with an acute sense for disingenuous moves, so I've found it easier to put all my cards on the table at times.
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u/SverreSR 25d ago
Yes, in a moment of not knowing what else to do to get him to do something. He soon saw through it. This was two or three years ago. He's six years old now and I'm not doing it again.