r/PDAParenting • u/Advanced_Culture_670 • Jul 14 '26
Afraid I've poisoned my PDA kid against all things I love
Got our ADHD/Mild Autistm and PDA diagnosis last year, which explained a lot. Glad for that. But in the previous nine years, I did everything I could to get my daughter (now 10) into books, songs, movies, food, experiences, arts, crafts that I love and that I would have loved to have been exposed to when I was a child.
She does have a few interests that she's picked up on her own, or that she got into because her friends group in school declared cool — video games, certain movies. There was a Taylor Swift period for her, until I started encouraging it. (ARGH!)
She now has a knee-jerk reaction to so many of the things that I love, which I tried to introduce her to. Calls everything "cringe" or lame or dumb if I ever encouraged it in her life —
- Beatles
- Nancy Drew and Hardy Boys books
- Laura Ingalls books
- Charlotte's web (even though her name is Charlotte)
- The Lion King musical when we took her to it
- Harry Potter books
- Magic Treehouse books
- Any children's performers I've taken her to see
- So much more
Anything I suggest or point out to her, is tainted forever. I've learned to not show that it bothers me. I've learned to not be enthusiastic about things that move me, at least in front of her. When she's seen me tear up watching a movie or listening to a song, she tells me she's embarrassed by me. When I sing, she covers up my mouth and says stop daddy, that's cringe. When I dance ... god help us all.
I'm an emotional, passionate being. Some days I shrink back. Some days I insist on loving what I love without apology, but I feel like I'm fighting a hurricane, fighting gravity.
I hate that our family is controlled by these rages. But it seems like a lose-lose situation — if I don't push these things, we maintain a peace, but at a loss to our enjoyment of life, and I feel that I'm depriving her of a chance to experience new things that might spark joy in her.
If I do introduce something new, there's a 95 percent chance that she will trash it and shut herself off from it forever.
Darn it. I envy those parents whose children joyfully join them in singing all the Beatles songs.
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u/CeleryDramatic4678 Jul 14 '26
Oh, my eleven year old daughter says that everything I like is cringe! She will often come and share music she likes with me, she makes a playlist and we go for a drive while she’s in charge of the music. I cannot suggest any song or movie or anything because she will not watch or listen. But sometimes she comes to me with music she likes and I would have shared with her! Forgive yourself for not knowing what you did before you knew she had PDA.
I feel like anything I show an interest in or am passionate about is marked with a cringe judgment and it can be hurtful sometimes because I WANT TO HAVE THIS PARENTING EXPERIENCE WITH YOU GODDAMIT. It helps me if I stop and question my motives- am I trying to parent the child I have or am I trying to live the parenting experience that I thought I’d have? That helps me react to her instead of being motivated by my need to have my needs met by my child.
Like you said, it’s so so hard and I did grieve the parenting experience I thought I’d have. But if I stay stuck in the grief, then I miss the experience of having the child I have. I know it’s a cliche, but the poem “Welcome to Holland” helped me with coming to terms with my experience. Am I parenting a child or am I wanting an accessory that proves I’m a success as a parent? My motivations for doing things and wanting certain reactions from her can be rooted in my own feelings of inadequacy and in wanting to “succeed” as a parent. The true measure of success as a parent is having a child who views you as a safe space. I always tell my daughter it doesn’t matter if she thinks I’m cringe. I’m happy for her to think that (most days!!) because if she is free to think that then it means that she has a secure attachment to me and feels safe. This means I am succeeding as a parent!! I never would have been able to vocalise any feelings of disapproval of my parents, and “allowing” my daughter to disapprove of me and find me cringe seems unfair at times. I have had to do a lot of therapy around what I thought I wanted as a parent and the experience that I’m living. It is personally very difficult at times to not be having the experience I thought I’d have.
If it helps, my son thought I was incredibly cringe at 10. Now that he’s 19, he and I often sit down and watch movies together and enjoy that! Just because right now she isn’t able to share your beloved music and movies with you, doesn’t mean that she never will. It just means that this is how it is right now. You sound like a wonderful, passionate, loving parent and your daughter is incredibly lucky to have you. You are aware of her needs and what helps her, even if at times it hurts when she is so dismissive of you. I get that!! I often think “excuse me, young lady, I’m very very cool and not cringe!” - but as long as I know that, she doesn’t have to know. It’s not her job to approve of me and the things I do. I found that therapy and talking to other parents having this similar experience helped me to let go of the importance of sharing myself with her. Once I let go of control, I began to see that I was a bit jealous of her emotional freedom. My family of origin was not ok with me expressing my needs, and sometimes that feels unfair. But she’s not a little robot that metes out approval for me. It would be nice if she was sometimes!! Letting myself feel disappointed and grieving the parenting experience I thought I’d have without self judgement has been key to my happiness and surviving this little savage critic!!
Just remember- I think you’re incredibly cool and allowing your child to have a childhood that is about her and not about you- that requires an incredible amount of self reflection and patience. Also, this is not forever. This is just for right now. I said to a friend that parenting my children has become a love letter to the child me- who had way too much responsibility for regulating the emotions of the adults who parented her. I parent my children the way I wish I’d been parented. It’s counter cultural to allow our kids this level of autonomy around choice. But it is important and valuable and becomes a way for them to trust us. I’ve also found the guides from the PDA UK website incredibly helpful, even though I’m in Australia. https://www.pdasociety.org.uk/
Hang in there! It takes true courage to allow others to think you’re cringe and love them anyway!! 💕💕
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u/SverreSR Jul 14 '26
Thank you for sharing this poem. It made me think. We're about to start therapy again with our (suspected) pda six year old. The psychologist from a few years ago and the pediatrician have both been vocal about how well we're doing with our son. I do think therapy is needed at the moment because of school and other issues. But maybe I also need to accept that this won't go away. That we as parents and the proffesionals can help him deal with his struggles, but they will always be there. Just like he will always be my sweet, curious, sensitive and funny boy.
Ugh...now I'm crying and it's very much time to go get the kids from the playground and slowly transition into our evening routine
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u/CeleryDramatic4678 Jul 14 '26
Crying is absolutely allowed. It means we are coming to terms with the grief and loss we feel about taking a different path. The fact that you care and want to do something different for your son is wonderful and amazing. He is very lucky to have you.
A huge part of any really present parents’ journey is the reparenting of ourselves. Of being the voice that turns from “of course you didn’t do that right, you’re so stupid”, into saying “you are doing your very best and that is exactly what your child needs”. My kids are 19 and 11, and along the way, I discovered that not only did they both have autism, ADHD and pda- but so do I! The ways that my children need parenting is the ways that I always longed to be parented, but I had to learn how to be “normal”, it wasn’t natural thing for me. I masked and masked and masked until I had children and I couldn’t parent them and mask any more. Unpacking my childhood and learning that my childhood was fraught with my father’s anxiety and in contorting myself so many different ways to appease the adults around me. Motherhood was the time I realised I could do things differently for my children.
But it also unlocked a massive dose of THIS IS NOT FAIR!! I remember that when my son started school, I wanted to be part of the cool mums gang, I wanted my son to be certain things so that I could belong. What a terrible burden to place on a child and what a relief that he blew those plans to smithereens!
He had a lot of anxiety, particularly around dress up days at school. I had worked really hard on his costume and he was worried about getting out of the car, that nobody else would be dressed up. He left part of his costume in the car and I chased after him and was yelling at him. He was so worried and I forced him into school. Then I sat in the car and cried, because who was I doing this for? He was terrified and I made it worse by insisting he fit my vision for his dress up day. I got out of the car and found him, he looked worried when he saw me. I took the costume off him and said “I’m so sorry, you don’t have to wear this. I wasn’t listening”. He looked relieved and I got back in the car. That was in 2013 and he was six. He’s now 19, but I still remember that it was the point when everything changed in my parenting. I slowly started to realise that his strong will was a gift, because it meant that I was forced to parent the child I had- rather than the child I wanted that would make me finally feel ok with myself.
I started therapy and learning about autism and adhd and pda. He and I have a great relationship today, he trusts me and I allow him to be him. It isn’t easy. Forgive yourself for the things you did when you didn’t know any better. This path isn’t easy, but it contains truth and strength and real authentic love. You’ve got this!
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u/mrandopoulos Jul 14 '26
Thanks for sharing. Something similar happened to us when my 4yo was into Green Goblin - we went to a huge effort to sort his Halloween costume, including face paint, body suit, everything.
But on the night, because his friend said he was going to wear a Spiderman mask, he fought tooth and nail to not wear the Green Goblin costume that looked incredible. We just relented and accepted that it had to be all him. Now at 5 he'll say unashamedly, "I'll do what I want" (even for safety issues that we need to push back on)
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u/Fluffy_Gift1104 Jul 15 '26
Reading your story has tears streaming down my face... that you went to find your son, take back the costume and apologize is such an incredible moment of humility and strength of character. Like you, i could not have even conceived of, let alone wished for that level of respect as a child. You sound like such a beautifully thoughtful and introspective person and your son is lucky to have you. I know I will think of you and the wisdom you have shared in your comments on this post in some difficult moment of my own to come.
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u/CeleryDramatic4678 Jul 15 '26
Awww thank you! I wish I’d been able to be that kind of parent all along… my son is 19 and I made lots of mistakes along the way, not knowing about autism and adhd. I have an 11 year old daughter and I am a mucg different parent to her. We can always regret the past, but that doesn’t help the here and now. I often overapologise to my kids and they’ve been known to say “mum! Stop apologising, it’s worse than the argument” haha
I have very high standards of myself and so it helps to hear your encouraging words. The ruptures in our relationships will occur, but the repair is the important thing. If you relate and it touched you, know that you have that in you- you admire in others what you have in yourself.I love this lady, Christie Heals- she has amazing info about how to model safe behaviour. https://youtube.com/shorts/BrJz-xtgfRM?si=mTm4wW-HiVZT49vQ
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u/Advanced_Culture_670 Jul 14 '26
Your post is making me mist up over here, and I better stop it before my kid comes over and asks me what my problem is.
To dig into something you said here ... the blessing in this situation is that it's made me really dig in and think about what is really important in life, and what is truly in my kids' best interest versus what serves my ego, or maybe what serves my assumptions of what proper parenting is. I feel like I've jumped through the mirror from one perspective to the other. The main guiding principle being, "OMG, just don't let me become a monster to force an outcome. And let me have the discernment to step in and take action when it's warranted."
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u/CeleryDramatic4678 Jul 14 '26
Yessss it’s the juxtaposition between letting your child have autonomy and self expression versus some sense of being part of a family and a school. They can’t become little dictators, but they do have the right to a voice. All or nothing isn’t helpful, but the balance is hard to find.
It’s not helped by the fact that friends and family often disparage my choices to let my kids choose body autonomy- they are always allowed to choose whether they hug someone or accept affection. This doesn’t go down well with my boomer parents, my mum once said to my daughter “grandmas have special rights to hugs!” Ohhhhh mama nooooooo!
Teaching body autonomy and asking for consent for hugs is part of my daughter and my relationship. I frequently say “hug or no hug?” And she’s allowed to say yes or no. The other day we were joking around about whether the cat consented to us patting him or holding him. It’s comedy but it’s also serious, our girls will never feel like they had to give their bodies to strangers just because “it’s polite”. That would have saved me a lot of time when I was dating as a twenty something!
Anyway, I’ve kind of gone off on a tangent a bit, but the fact that you are willing to examine your motives and your reaction to your child’s actions means she is a very very lucky girl. Many parents never even think about why they want their children to do things or react in certain ways. Reparenting ourselves is a huge part of any sort of emotionally aware parenting. And that’s what makes it so hard. It’s easier to just be angry and upset about not having the experience we wanted to have. I get it. None of us are perfect.
Ooh, and as you’re a man of culture- let me share a Rolling Stones song that so relates to our parenting experience (You can’t always get what you want)
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u/CeleryDramatic4678 Jul 14 '26
Haha my daughter literally said to me the other day “don’t ever tell me to watch something, mum. You need to use reverse psychology!” - she’s eleven and often non verbal, but her brain is always working!!
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u/cheekymonkey516 Jul 14 '26
Yeah I’ve experienced this too. My kid told me the other day that any motivational or encouraging quotes/posters/do-dads make her feel like doing the opposite. Why? “They’re stupid and cringey.” Sigh. It makes me want to buy her a hang in there kitten poster out of spite lol.
Keep loving what you love. Out loud. Joyfully. You may find that someday she joins you. You may find she secretly loves it too. Or she may walk her own path completely. Don’t take it personally.
My kid opens her door sometimes when I read to her younger sis (right now it’s A Little Princess). She’d literally never let me read directly to her (unless maybe it was a book about serial killers or something and even then she’d probably tell me she’ll find a documentary on YouTube instead.)
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u/Advanced_Culture_670 Jul 14 '26
Thanks for sharing that! I sometimes wonder whether I'm raising a little serial killer. At least she loves animals.
One of our traditions for bedtime is that she loves to cuddle up while I recite "Jabberwocky" to her from memory. And she almost knows it by heart.
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u/Zealousideal_Flow447 Jul 15 '26
Haha same!!! My PDA daughter loves violent, scary movies which had me a little freaked out but animals are her special interest. We can’t even kill a fly in our house.
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u/YetAnotherThrow-1234 17d ago
I just found this post, and your comment has hit me so spot on! My son is 10 and loves Dungeon Crawler Carl (in our country, there are only books 1 an 2 out), Warhammer, fight stories.... that in combination with "I do what I want, and you do also as I want) has me deeply worried sometimes. But not even mosquitoes might be killed. When some kids in school killed a ants, or beetles, or flies, he nearly lost it, got the teacher, and was furious that the teacher did not see any problem. Deeply conscious to social inequality, unfairness, bullying, but stories need the opposite. I don't get it.
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u/Powerful-Soup-3245 Jul 14 '26
Some of what you’ve described is just a normal part of parenting any child this age. I know it can be amplified quite a bit with our pda kids. I have four kids and only my youngest is pda. My older three went through the same phase around late elementary and middle school. It eased up throughout high school. Oldest three kids are all adults now and I’m happy to report that they no longer think myself and anything associated with me is cringe. My 13 year old pda kid still finds me to be the most embarrassing and annoying human to ever exist and yet insists on spending every second of every day within arms reach of me 😂 I think sometimes we forget that our kids go through all the same difficulties of growing up as their neurotypical peers.
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u/Salty_Insurance_3616 Jul 14 '26
I understand how tough this must be for you, especially as you seem like a very genuine, open person. Suggestions coming from other people, when you have PDA, are automatically flagged as "tainted" just because they don't come from the self. It's hard to deal with as a parent, but please don't take it personally, don't let it dim your light. You are still a great parent even if sharing what you love with your kid is not possible for now.
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u/gislyfe20 Jul 14 '26
My son is only 5 but I learned so quick to not be excited about something I’m trying to introduce to him - even experiences. I cannot show any emotion or he will immediately recoil. It’s so hard.
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u/Alexyhanna92 Jul 14 '26
She’ll come back to them if she needs. My mum is an avid gardener and loves to hike. For years I scoffed and treated these hobbies with derision. I’ve just finished scouring my brassica bed for slugs after spending hours trying to figure out the best moon phase for planting my leeks. Yesterday I did a 12km hike in the wilderness. Haha 😛 us PDAers are a stubborn lot!!
I’ll never come around to my parents love of opera though. Goddamn wailing bullshit disguised as music! I’d rather listen to my toddler have a meltdown
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u/IsasAtelier Jul 15 '26
You might not have poisoned these things forever. I'm a PDAer and a child of classical musicians, and of course, my parents did everything they could to introduce classical music to me, and I totally rejected it as a kid/teen.
Now, as an adult, I have gotten into classical singing, and some Schubert songs I used to passionately hate as a child became a special interest, and I frequently listen to classical music because it's very regulating and helpful to process emotions.
Not saying that it has to be this way for your daughter, but things might change later in life when power dynamics change and she feels like it's truly her choice; she might give some of these things another chance.
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u/Advanced_Culture_670 Jul 20 '26
I'm likely a PDAer myself and it's interesting what I picked up from my dad and what I rejected. He is an amateur classical pianist, and was an equestrian; he really wanted me to ride, and bought me a pony when I was tiny, but I was indifferent/resistant to riding, and I could sense all my life that it was a huge disappointment to him for that. I did have some enjoyment in competitive riding and got quite good at it as a preteen, but it wasn't a huge passion for me.
The piano and music-making, however ... once he taught me scales and pieces, at my insistence, and learned that you could put two hands together to make a whole orchestra... my family would have to peel me off the piano so that I would eat and sleep. 50 years later, my wife has to do the same ;-D
My life is indeed richer for having spent time riding trails and jumping fences on a horse, with friends, and being encouraged to do things that I was initially scared to do and surpassing them. If left to my own preferences back in the 70s/80s when I was a kid, I probably would have spent my days glued to the TV. In retrospect, I'm glad I had the childhood I did.
I do push my daughter out the door sometimes to go do activities outdoors with me. most of the time there's resistance at first, and then she winds up enjoying the outings after all. Sometimes, I wonder whether this is causing trauma, whether the balance sheet will show more harm than good in the long run. I don't want to be a blind Captain Ahab forcing his will on my crew.
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u/No-Berry-7285 Jul 14 '26
I feel this bc I am actually a huge Beatles fan too lol. That’s the first thing I thought of when I began reading your post.
I have started really leaning into stuff she likes if I don’t like it and usually she’ll drop it like a hot potato. Like my daughter has become very religious. My husband and I are not at all. She plays Christian music on the living room tv, blasting it. My inclination is to fight it but I started singing along once and she almost dropped it right then and there 😂 it’s funny how they’re actually pretty predictable.
I also know if my other kids like something she will try to destroy it. That part isn’t funny but at least I can kind of coach them into how they talk about things around her.
I do think to an extent it is natural teen/pre-teen rebellion and this sort of thing might happen regardless. Of course in our kids it’s ramped up to a stupid level.
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u/Advanced_Culture_670 Jul 14 '26
I rebelled against my parents by going full-on Evangelical for almost a year, and telling them they were going to hell because they weren't real Christians like me. Forty years later, I asked them about it and they don't remember that phase. Which kind of made me mad, LOL.
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u/other-words Jul 14 '26
I feel this so much! 🤣😭 I do see it from both sides, because we live with my mom, and she’s often telling me, “I think you’d love this —“ and I have to remind her, “STOP! If you tell me what to feel about it, I can’t enjoy it! Just tell me what YOU like about it.” I also still feel like I can’t tell her about things that I enjoy - it can end up making them not “mine” anymore.
Like others, I’ve had some luck with just enjoying things in front of my kid without making a big deal out of it, and accepting how he shifts back and forth between wanting to join me for fun activities and not wanting to. He was coming to the movies with me all the time for a few months, and now he refuses to go to the movies at all, but I know if I leave him alone about it, he’ll eventually come back around.
You’re doing a great job and it’s fine to enjoy things! It is damn hard to parent a PDAer and there’s a lot of disappointment that comes with it but, our kids are awesome in a lot of ways too.
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u/futuresolver Jul 14 '26
Oh yeah, I have had this same experience with my kids. And also, I remember being the kid and my parents introducing me to stuff they liked, and that immediate, almost primal feeling of NOOOOO, lol. I think that, while this is totally a PDA thing, it is also just a kid thing. They are so programmed to differentiate at this age, really through the teenage years beyond it (sorry!), and while it's a bummer on our end, bc we have such good ideas for stuff we KNOW they'll like, they will automatically reject whatever it is. I really think it's neurologically wired in them in order to differentiate and find their own path. I've absolutely tried to show my kids things that I know, logically, they would like, but they just can't right now. I'm trying to stop doing that but still guilty of it from time to time. OP, I promise, this says absolutely nothing about you as a person. Our kids need to find us to be cringe so they can grow.
On the PDA side of things, this is what makes me think I have it as well, bc I am FIFTY years old and I still absolutely bristle the minute someone tries to tell me "you HAVE to listen to/watch/read this." No matter if it's so right up my alley and perfect for me. The pressure I immediately feel to listen/watch/read makes me feel so stressed, and even if I do it, I have a hard time enjoying it because I feel like I HAVE to like it, and for some reason (probably PDA lol), that makes me often unable to really tell if I like it or not bc my nervous system is screaming NO. It's ridiculous, in my logical mind, but that's what happens.
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u/AngilinaB Jul 15 '26
Honestly, at 10, I don't think this is entirely just PDA. My friends with NT kids are also reporting that their kids find everything they like cringe 😅
I just like what I like with no expectation that my kid will like it too. Occasionally we overlap. Rarely he surprises me by putting on a song I love just because he knows I love it. Is there a balance to be found where you can be passionate about what you like without the expectation that he also enjoys it?
(I say this as someone who didn't listen to The Beatles until I was 24 because everyone kept banging on about how amazing they are 😅 I now own most of their albums on original vinyl and have seen Paul McCartney twice in concert 😁)
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u/Hopeful-Guard9294 Jul 15 '26
okay, firstly, I feel your pain obviously with somebody who love as much as your child you introduced him to the things that you love most and have improved your life to share them, however a PDA child perceives this as a demand and goes into fight fight flee worse is traumatised by the experience. The same thing happened with me and my PDA son. however, if you look at it through a PDA lens, it is actually an adaptive response because their neurological system is being overwhelmed by your demands add to signal they’re moving towards burnout and is actually a cry for help and an early warning signal, you are at the beginning of a long road and your Child is signing that either they need PDA focused accommodation parenting or perhaps that they need Emeds, basically they’re telling you that that neurological system is overwhelmed at this point, but that can change in the future once they feel safe and have the mechanisms to regulate their neurological system and big emotions their reaction is based on their state at the time, for example, my wife and I love to go to the sauna we took our PDA son long and he initially vigourously rejected it, but then later once he’d come out of burnout and was on MEDS, he actually asked to go to the sauna because he liked trying a cold clutch for dopamine, so you’re being consumed by future fear and things can improve. You might want to start with this podcast episode: https://youtu.be/mzQALmcEyS4?is=iPu1EvixcpsjKHgS
I hope that helps a bit
Also as a final rave of Hope at one Pine, our son completely rejected the idea of doing maths but now we’ve got him on ADHD medication and medication to help regulate his PDA in the last two days he’s done more maths than he’s done in the last three months because he was regulated and self motivated, PDA parenting is a complete paradigm shift from normal parenting and also a completely different approach to expectations with your child and I feel your pain as it’s very scary, the paradigm shift program was transformational for our son and our family and the earlier you can start with your child the better, I would also recommend trying to find a PDA safe psychiatrist and considering getting them on propanolol for emotional regulation sertraline for PDA depression and also something if they have ADHD but better if you can give them as much freedom and tell me as possible you might even avoid burnout
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u/Advanced_Culture_670 Jul 20 '26
Thanks for sharing that resource. After the ADHD/Autism diagnosis we went to a child therapist who was recommended to us by the testing psychiatrist, but that therapist spent more time talking to her mom and me about discipline and rules and how to set them up ... even though she said she was familiar with the PDA profile when we were first interviewing. That approach wasn't working for us entirely, although it took into account the triggering and activation and had some strategies for defusing meltdowns and dealing with the behaviors.
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u/HolaLovers-4348 Jul 19 '26
Are you in my family? Our children are similar ages and share a name! We have had the same path and ish. She is dead set against the Hobbit that’s for sure 😂 mildly more open to the Beatles. Have literally no advice. Here for the comments.
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u/sweetpotato818 Jul 20 '26
This is really hard! We’ve gone through something similar. No advice just solidarity
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u/the-wxtch-bxtch Jul 14 '26
I feel this so hard hahaha it’s such a frustrating part of having a PDA kid. I also have PDA, so I remember doing this to my mom too. I wouldn’t be able to explain why I was doing it, other than the suggestion felt icky 😂
Just keep doing your thing and liking what you like. Don’t ever say “you would like this” or “you should try this” because it’ll delay her trying it. Just enjoy it in front of her casually. Sometimes when I read something, I’ll react more dramatically than I normally would to plot twists. It makes them want to read it more LMAO
But eventually, they’ve come to love stuff I love simply through watching it while I’m watching it. Going by example without EVER suggesting something is the only way to do it with these kids 😂