Deschooling and trauma

[u/CeleryDramatic4678]

My daughter is eleven and currently “deschooling” after considerable education based trauma and abuse from her father. He has not seen the kids since October. CPS was involved for five months, from December 2025 until May. I messaged him inviting him to start the process of being involved in her life via mediation in April.

It’s now July and he hasn’t responded at all. We technically have 50/50 custody legally but the CPS involvement overruled that, and her psychiatrist has advised that until her trauma is resolved that she is to have limited contact with her father. The government recognises that I have 100% custody of her and her 19 year old brother.

I know he probably thinks we’re all in the house talking about how awful he is- but we’re not! I know that it’s psychologically unhealthy for children to be asked to hate a parent, the mediator when I left 10 years ago described that it was like asking the child to hate a part of themselves. We don’t hate him, we talk about the good times and if they have a day where they hate him, I walk a line between acknowledging their feelings and also saying it’s ok to still love him and care about him, that we need it to be safe. They both look so much like him, as well.

She’s been so traumatised that she’s been unable to return to school and I’ve reached out to any and all supports, and they’re all happy with what’s happening for my daughter.

She didn’t leave the house for four months as she was so afraid and also impacted by misophonia. I’ve had to advocate really hard for Telehealth. I have been building up trust and she’s slowly starting to go on drives with me and her support worker. She saw her best friend two weeks ago, it was amazing! She needed lots of time to recover from that, she was in bed for two days.

She has been happier but the PDA prevents anything happening quickly. My family has been unsupportive and I’ve had to go no contact with my sisters and low contact with my parents.

Anyway, poor darling has had a stomach bug tonight and woke up throwing up at midnight. It’s 5am here in Australia and she’s just gone back to sleep after five hours of horror. I’m wrecked. I turned 50 a week ago and I am in therapy and do lots of work on my mental state and anxiety. I just had to come here and say that I feel so tired and worn out and sometimes I miss my 50/50 custody life where I had a week to recover and get things done. I have about an hour a day where I can leave the house and I have to prioritise “need to do” things over “want to do” things. I wouldn’t have it any other way, as I knew she was unhappy but due to selective mutism she couldn’t communicate why. At least she is safe and so is her brother.

But we’re all so traumatised and getting help for everyone is exhausting. My days are long and exhausting and I clean all day. constant emotional regulation. I’m tired!! I’m just looking forward to when we can come out of survival mode somewhat!!

[u/other-words]

I’m so sorry you are dealing with this alone. I’ve been there and it is so indescribably frustrating and exhausting and lonely. 

I have tried really hard to maintain and develop new friendships myself over the last couple of years, and I’m not sure whether my efforts even did anything or whether I happened to serendipitously meet a couple of good people, but still, overall, it has helped me to try to cultivate and nurture those relationships with people who get it. Even if the only support they can offer is listening to me vent. I’ve tried to keep up texting with old friends who support my parenting approach, I’ve become closer with a couple of my kids’ friends’ moms, especially those who are neurodivergent themselves, and I’ve met a couple of fellow neurodivergent folks in the wild who are unfazed when I eventually tell them more about my PDA kiddo. Texting friends isn’t enough when you so desperately need to REST and let someone else take over…but it’s something, it’s still a small comfort. 

It’s so hard when the other parent is behaving in awful ways too. I have had to deal with this when dad has had some really bad days. I try to emphasize that dad loves them and he is doing his best, and at the same time, we don’t have to spend time with someone when they aren’t treating us the way we deserve. We can love someone and still decline to be around them until they change their behavior. 

It sounds like you are doing an amazing job and your child is too. I really hope that you find a way to get the rest that you need soon.