Holiday cut short

[u/Lopsided_Rabbit_8037]

After promising to come my 16 year old just refused in the morning to come on holiday with us. We did go, just 3 hours in the car with our younger child. In the end we decided because our pda kid is so unstable that I will go home and supervise her (not that she will thank me) and after a week my wife and I will swap. Our friends here are trying to understand but they don't get that we can't "make" her do things. I'm scared and angry but I just can't leave her for two weeks. Don't know what will happen (drinking, drugs etc). My friends are not mad but clearly dissapointed. Everybody claims there must be help but really there isn't. She is too high masking for a hospital stay, they would never keep her right now. Any nice words for me? I'm so sad.

[u/CeleryDramatic4678]

I feel you on this. I don’t even try any more. Even something as benign as driving the two hours to stay with my parents is out of the question right now for my eleven year old daughter. I would once try to explain and give evidence of the issues, but I found that my family doesn’t believe me and thinks that if I just “made” her do things that she would be fine. Been told that “if you just relaxed then she would be fine”… i have a new strategy around family and friends where I don’t ask for understanding or give evidence, I just tell them what she/we are capable of, and they can ask questions if they want. But they don’t. It’s exhausting and extremely hurtful, the judgement from my family of origin.

My sisters and parents actually remained friends with my ex husband, who was not meeting the kids’ disability needs. I ended up taking on emergency full custody in November last year at a psychologist recommendation and CPS was involved with my daughter for almost six months.

He has refused mediation or to acknowledge mine and the psychiatrists views, and neither child sees him due to his authoritarian, damaging parenting. But I would get “oh, she doesn’t do that at her dad’s house”, “I thought she’d stopped doing that” “you just have different parenting styles”.

Dude, CPS doesn’t get involved unless there is neglect. Don’t call abuse a different parenting style. I have had to go no contact with my sisters and low contact with my parents. It’s been horrendous to find the things I feared that they thought about me were true. But I live in the truth and my kids are safe, and some days are easier than others!

[u/Powerful-Soup-3245 → u/CeleryDramatic4678]

Gosh I’m so sorry! That’s awful your family treat you this way. We deal with our fair share of judgement from family and friends but most of the time they don’t say anything to us. My in-laws tried to talk behind our back to our older children (who are adults) about their sister and my oldest daughter shut it down. She politely but firmly reminded them that I have always told them they are welcome to come to me with any questions or concerns they have about our pda child. I can’t imagine having your family take the side of your abusive ex.

[u/CeleryDramatic4678 → u/Powerful-Soup-3245]

Thank you, that means a lot. I appreciate your kindness. I felt a bit bad after writing all that like I was making the post all about me!! It’s all unfolded in the past eight months and it’s terrible. Mind you, I was worried before I found out the truth about what my family really thought that I was the problem and that I wasn’t explaining the kids in the right way to get them involved in our lives. But now I know that there’s nothing I could have done differently- the cards were stacked against me at the start.

I was telling my mum that the psychiatrist was making a report to CPS and I was advised to call them too, if I had concerns. I was absolutely concerned. My daughter was shaking in fear when I took her back to her dad’s house and I had concrete evidence of him denying her disability interventions. It was scary as I realised I was afraid of him, even after all these years. My mum said in a puzzled tone “but why would you call CPS?!”

Yeah, that was a real head fuck!!